On the Blog Again......Just Can't Wait To Get On the Blog Again.....

Later days have been very heavy days.  I passed Motorcycle Training and have my endorsement.  Needless to say I did not leave training unscathed.  I dropped the bike on the first day after going for the break and slipping my hand downward causing the throttle to be activated....thus...causing me to go one way and the bike to go the other.  It was a lesson learned, but got right back up and got right back on.  o that's one less thing that I need to do before I die.  Now....I just need to get to the DMV and somehow obtain a bike.  hahahah                           

      
 Other than that all went fine and my leg is about 95% healed.  After my leg healed, I decided to go from being a Brunette to a Blond!  Well, back to a blond I should say....

 What a wonderful day to walk into a place as one person and leave as someone completely different.  lol  After getting my hair did, it was my lil brother from another mothers Bday weekend and so we got a hotel room in Clearwater, FL for the weekend to celebrate and chill.  It was amazingly refreshing; however did not last long enough for me....at all. 

We had a blast and hopefully will do it again some time.  More drama to follow.....

Late.............

Sorry, I've been blog-less lately.  Had a bit of the drama and my mind has been completely on resolving it in the best way possible.  Really I haven't completely resolved it, but there are enough options running through my head to say I only have 1 step left.......to make up my mind.

A series of events have occurred over the last few weeks so I'll touch on each one individually.  First one is my weight loss!  So far so good; I have lost 10lbs and feel great!  I've been sticking to an all protein diet and given I'm human....I've had a few slips and there, but nothing drastic.  Slimming down and toning is my goal.  I went from a size 12 to a size 8 and my arms have slimmed down to the point where the arm holes on most of my shirts are not cutting off my circulation.  Also my tummy is toning!  I only have 1 roll compared to the 3 I had!  hahahaha  So I continue to work out 30 mins before work and 30 mins during lunch.  Second one is my dating.  Now working out so well for me.  I have been attracting a much younger crowd for some reason and this is not what I'm looking for.  These men are either in their early 20's, married, or have girlfriends.  In some ways it makes me wonder what kind of persona I'm giving off to make these men think that I'm at all interested.  I do have tattoos, I do dress in t shirts and jeans, I do drink alcohol, I do hold my head as high as I possibly can, carefree attitude, and try to maintain a respectable posture.  It must be the tattoos!  hahahaha  Third one is my ex.  This one is not working out so well.  I don't think I can withstand explaining to him why he is not permitted to be around my children while he is high and drunk.  A few weekends ago I asked for help with the baby's daycare since he hasn't paid his child support and he continued to tell me that he's sent money to the state and he can't control when they give it to me.  Problem with this statement is that I can see our case file online and there has been nothing applied.  So I informed him that I will just ask his mother for help since he can't do it; in which she was just about to send me the money when my ex chimes in and says that he will give me the money.  After so many years of lies and deceit I have awaken to know when a lie....is a lie.  So we agreed to meet at my home on Saturday so he can visit and give me the money under one condition......that he doesn't arrive with pupils the size of pin holes.  His reply?  "I can't promise that they won't be".  So the only thing I could say was, "well since you won't be able to visit the children, we can meet somewhere public so you can give me the money I need to pay for the baby's daycare".  He showed up anyways.  While on the phone with my mother, I had my daughter lock up the house 20 mins before his arrival and I sat outside waiting for the confrontation.  He pulled up on his girlfriends motorcycle, turned the engine off and walked towards me.  I asked why he turned off the engine cause he can't stay....he just needed to give me the money and be on his way.  NOPE.  He walked right past me, tried to enter my home with my children in it and because I beat him to the punch, he proceeded to call me every name in the book as loud as he could, threw a money order at me, continued to call me every name in the book even as he drove away....all with my mother on the phone and 911.  I told the operator that everything was fine now because he left and immediately checked on the kids.  My daughter heard everything and was upset because she thought he was going to hurt me and possibly come into the house.  I told myself that I needed to go to the courthouse and file for a restraining order; however time off of work right now is not an option, so I'm going to have to either wait or find a way to leave work without any issues.  Needless to say, the kids and I left that night and stayed with a friend.  My daughter has been through enough with my ex to know he likes to come back to the scene so she just wanted to leave...so we did.  Since this day my ex has text me on several occasions telling me that he and I need to put our differences aside for the kids and that he's no longer on drugs.....oh...and that he understands that I'm pissed off at him because he would be pissed off as well if I were dating someone, but that we need to try to get along for the kids.  *WHAT?*  Either his girlfriend is sending me these messages under the assumption that she has absolutely no clue as to what is going on or my ex is in complete denial that what he has done to not only me, but my children is not acceptable by any means.  I have replied to NONE of them.  Not one word in any text, but I do have them all saved for court purposes if he ever decides to play with more fire.  I'm in a stage right now where I just wish he would quit breathing my air.  A waste of space in my eyes.  A down right ignorant child in a grown man's body who can do nothing for himself because he feeds off of people who do it all for him.  And when things get heated and it's not resolved in his way..........he yells, cusses, hurts, and puts on one of the biggest temper-tantrums I've ever seen a grown boy throw.  So....this brings me to all of those options I have in front of me.....I can only pick one.  The best one for the kids and the best one for me.  I'm very burnt out over it really, but still pissed enough to react as quick as cat and it won't be a very pretty outcome.

These are the big things going on right now.  I am working very hard at maintaining my focus and finding my self confidence once again after years of being treated like nothing and appreciated for nothing.  Work in progress.......

Feel IT......................

Went to the doc today and I've lost 10lbs so far!  Moving along at a good pace, just need to remember to steer clear of the carbs that I love so much.  Next paycheck I need to get some Katosis strips so I can monitor my carb flush and once I've rid my body of all the bad stuff, I can start feeding it the good carbs again (fruits, veggies, etc)  Eating nothing but protein can really make you start craving things really really bad.  Working out is doing a lot for me now too.  I worked out for an hour for a good year and gained nothing from it but energy and that feel good feeling.  It was why I went to this doctor because that wasn't really normal with the amount of workout I was doing.  Now I'm doing 15 minute mega strenuous cardio, 50 incline crunches/situps/lats with a 5lb weight, and 50 25lb tricep pulls, 15 40lb back lifts, and yoga.   I've lost 3 inches from my hips so far and I've only begun.  I'm very excited to very soon have ME back.  It will be nice to feel good about myself again.

As far as the world of dating, I've been getting mixed reviews.  Some friends tell me to enjoy it and some tell me that I need to stay focused and maintain my path.  Enjoy it mostly because....well....I don't....and maintain because if I jump into things like my mind wants me too I will regret it.  Overall, I'm a confused little girl who wants nothing more than to be happy and have a companion to experience life with, but don't want to deal with all the bs that goes along with it.  Maybe I should just get a dog?

KEY...................

Okay Okay Okay...........I know I'm a bit overbearing when it comes to meeting someone new, but when you have been through 4 really long relationships that have spanned my young adult life up until almost 3 years ago...you have every right to be upset, picky, overbearing, and protective.  A massive bout with a lack of self confidence is also a common player in these situations so it's not that I'm completely out of the game, I am just a foreign player in the game.  I have different game strategies is all and it's a bit difficult for some to understand.  So we will leave it at that.  I do think that the only guy that will be able to handle me at this point is Superman because I expect way too much now due to being such a scorned woman.  It's terrible really that I've allowed myself to get to this knowing how strong of a woman and independent of a woman I am, but because I'm so loyal it's brought me here....to this void.

I spoke with a best friend earlier who exposed me as "Princess".  Not because I act like one cause I'm far from it, but because when men want me, they must first slay the dragon for me to accept them and the vast majority are unable to even don the armor.  This is true in so many ways.  Because I have dealt with, catered to, and guided every relationship I've been in, I have not experienced what a true MAN is.  The major hump in this is for me to be able to allow one to be one because so many have not.  This is a true test to see if I can allow testosterone to equal my estrogen. *mostly because I am Mom and Dad and have been for a very very long time and take care of myself*

So as you can see, I'm not dating as I stated a few posts before that I was going to try to do. Mostly because of these issues I have and one very particular one being my self confidence.  When one has so many failed relationships you start to think it's your fault.  Even though I know none of them were caused by any wrong doings on my end....I have been left with emotional and physical scars from each ordeal. 

Him, "I want you to be my wife and spend the rest of our lives together".  Me: "That would be wonderful, but shouldn't I meet your parents?"  Him:  "I can see our future together, sitting side by side on a swing bench on our porch at the age of 80, holding hands and looking at eachother as if we've fallen in love all over again".  Me: "UMMMM...don't you think it would be nice for you to meet my Mom first before confessing your future to me?"  Him:  "I want to have babies with you."  Me:  "Oh HELLLL NO.......get the hell out."  So, these silly things that boys say that cause 2 beautiful babies to be spawned works when you have a nieve girl on your hands; however.....when you trick a woman and cause her to be pregnant with baby #3 because it's what YOU want.....doesn't make her a very happy woman.          

Fudge Crackers.....................

I am finding myself getting nauseous when thinking of my ex.  My head continuously goes through scenarios of the past and making assumptions of what is going on in the present....this of which has been keeping me from sleeping, concentrating, and enjoying my life.  I fight really hard to shake these thoughts, but it's like there is an underlying sense of something being incomplete and it's keeping me from moving forward.  I surround myself with people who I care about, I occupy myself with my children, and even with these things interfering; practically all moments alone.....has me thinking these things about him.  It's very restricting.  I worry about moving on and having to deal with this again.  I worry about finding someone to just enjoy time with and then becoming too emotional about them so they take off.  I worry that I will be alone forever because I don't want to catch an STD.  I don't know what is wrong with me....but I do know that I need to figure it out before it kills me.  This is what is keeping me from dating or even just hanging out with potentials.  I thought for sure if I went on a few dates I would loosen up and be able to take on the world again, but I can't even bring myself to go out on a date.  I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I'm upset about how I yet again fell into a terrible relationship....I know for a fact I'm a bit depressed because of it and know that I need to be strong for my kids cause they need me to be.  I'm finding myself wanting to change every aspect of ME so that it doesn't happen again.  Maybe if I just change who I am and maybe what I look like, it will all go away and I can live happily ever after like I deserve too.  Harder to do than to say it, so I will continue to fight myself and live as happily as I can until I can flipside dive into this situation with more gusto.   

Sick to my stomach........

I am a woman of odd self control.  I can refrain from killing, I can refrain from stealing, I can refrain from eating things I really shouldn't, I can even refrain from having sex; however.....I for some reason cannot refrain from hating.  It sure does take a lot to get me to hate; sometimes years even, but I cannot shake how I feel when that feeling has presented itself.  I dislike things, like high heeled Nikes, extremists, and burnt eggs, but this feeling of hate is soooooo evil, so overpowering, that if in a room with this thing that I hate so much I want to vomit.  Yes....like in the Exorcist!  Projectile all over this thing until it begs me to stop.  BLAH!!! 

Anyways, moving on.....yesterday with the kids at the State Fair was fun, but so hot we all got sunburns.  Poor Di got hit the worst.  We then left the fair where we met up with the Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle and of course the sponge...TJ-  High as usual he was, but made sure the baby was with me at all times - and then sauntered over to the Uncle and Aunts house that I wasn't allowed to be for over a year and had dinner.  Walking into their home I had my guard up.  It's terrible to not be able to fully trust people that are in your childrens' lives.  You want to believe they have you and your childrens' best interests in mine; however after things are said and done, it's hard to rekindle that trust again.  So the night went okay, but I do have to say I was extremely uncomfortable with TJ being around because not only was he high, but he was drinking heavily.  With his mother around and she's just enjoying everyone's company and not really mentioning much of what her son is doing.  I really truely do want my kids to have family around, but I am beginning to think the farther I get away from the negative, the better off they will be.  We should want our kids to experience their rights and wrongs, but it's harder for them to decipher what is wrong and right when adults are doing wrong things and the response from other adults is either neutral or positive.  Don't get me wrong...I do my own wrong things, but I am very quick to call out my faults and that what I have done is not the right thing to do.  There are always consequences for your actions.  I'm in a bit of a rut mentally with this......  I just hope I make the right decision...    

STRUGGLE....................

As we take on personal goals we learn self sacrifice again and again.  Our willpower is not as strong as our minds believe it is and it causes us to give in.  I have begun smoking again and even though my conscious tells me to put it down, my willpower to do so is lazy and denies me.  I reflect back on how good it felt to not smoke, but it's overpowered by how hard it was to fight off the urges.  I guess this is a more tamer version of a junkie detoxing and it has definitely allowed me to come to terms with how difficult it is for them to recover from their habit.  We do need a support group, a confidant that we can lean on when the urge is so strong that you want to take the easy way out of it and just swing into the local gas station and swipe your credit card.  Online support groups are not so easy to deal with because well.....you can't see them.  Are they truely interested in helping or are they just sitting there typing in responses that are from a piece of paper?  Like AA, smokers should have a physical group that we can attend to keep us in check with our addiction.  If they have one....let me know!

A lighter note - my weight situation is seemingly well.  I'm losing inches, gaining muscle mass, but have only lost 2lbs as of Thursday.  I was asked to try an Atkins approach to my eating habits as I eat a lot of raw veggies and fruits, but not enough protein.  So...doc says to try only eating proteins for a couple of weeks and get these test strips at the store that tell you if your body is in a kind of shock which means it has expelled all bad carbs so when I eat the good carbs (fruits, veggies) that my body will be able to use them properly.  So, i started that Thursday night by only eating chicken.  The following morning I ate a couple of hard boiled eggs and cheese, lunch was a chicken breast and some cubed cheese bites, dinner was more chicken.  hahahaha  Pretty soon I will hate chicken!  This morning I made some scrambled eggs with turkey and swiss which was amazingly delicious and for lunch I'll be eating salmon, tonight is Talapia.  I am going to end up running out of protein foods before I get paid this week so I'll have to figure something out until then, but hey....this is all worth a try.  I'm not getting any younger and my body is changing, so I must change my habits to fit me now. Yes...not smoking is one of those things i need to change and it WILL happen....  by the end of this month I should have my Maid of Honor dress delievered, so we will see where I stand at that point when I try it on.  Tone Tone Tone......it's a must.