Sick to my stomach........

I am a woman of odd self control.  I can refrain from killing, I can refrain from stealing, I can refrain from eating things I really shouldn't, I can even refrain from having sex; however.....I for some reason cannot refrain from hating.  It sure does take a lot to get me to hate; sometimes years even, but I cannot shake how I feel when that feeling has presented itself.  I dislike things, like high heeled Nikes, extremists, and burnt eggs, but this feeling of hate is soooooo evil, so overpowering, that if in a room with this thing that I hate so much I want to vomit.  Yes....like in the Exorcist!  Projectile all over this thing until it begs me to stop.  BLAH!!! 

Anyways, moving on.....yesterday with the kids at the State Fair was fun, but so hot we all got sunburns.  Poor Di got hit the worst.  We then left the fair where we met up with the Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle and of course the sponge...TJ-  High as usual he was, but made sure the baby was with me at all times - and then sauntered over to the Uncle and Aunts house that I wasn't allowed to be for over a year and had dinner.  Walking into their home I had my guard up.  It's terrible to not be able to fully trust people that are in your childrens' lives.  You want to believe they have you and your childrens' best interests in mine; however after things are said and done, it's hard to rekindle that trust again.  So the night went okay, but I do have to say I was extremely uncomfortable with TJ being around because not only was he high, but he was drinking heavily.  With his mother around and she's just enjoying everyone's company and not really mentioning much of what her son is doing.  I really truely do want my kids to have family around, but I am beginning to think the farther I get away from the negative, the better off they will be.  We should want our kids to experience their rights and wrongs, but it's harder for them to decipher what is wrong and right when adults are doing wrong things and the response from other adults is either neutral or positive.  Don't get me wrong...I do my own wrong things, but I am very quick to call out my faults and that what I have done is not the right thing to do.  There are always consequences for your actions.  I'm in a bit of a rut mentally with this......  I just hope I make the right decision...