RAGE........

I'll apologize ahead of time for my lack of postings, but it's as if the world flipped on me briefly and hasn't yet corrected itself fully.  I will post more when time permits and explain.

Aggravated with myself..............

No matter how hard I try I still care too much about people who don't want to be cared about.  I don't know why I do it, I just do.  I feel bad if I don't, but then I feel bad when they don't respond to me caring as well.  I don't know what they call that, but I need to not care anymore cause it sucks.  Sometimes I feel like I should just be invisible to everyone so I don't have to meet anyone.  I know that will never work cause I am way too assertive of a person, but dammit it should be easier to shut down.  I am going to shut down in another way....which will probably be a bit more easier to handle.  Goodnight.

Seriously?????????????????

Began working out again at the gym at work.  1 hour lunches have a higher purpose than just stuffing your face I like to say.  So I got my sweat on and it felt wonderful.  Felt great to work out again.  I did however gain a few pounds which did not please me, but I should burn that off in a week or so.  One of these days I'll get my sexy back, but until then....no pain...no gain!

So today I had to deal with a very unscrupulous text from my ex.  What started off to be a "I need to talk to you" text from him, led to "I am living with a woman and I have sex with her" text.  SERIOUSLY???  Why do I care about this?  Is what I was thinking to myself.  You are my ex and can fornicate the world if you please, but why the hell would you tell me?  So after my response of "it's really none of my business who you have sex with nor do I care, I do however wish you the very best on your endeavors."  He replied with, "I just didn't want to lie to you."  My response was of course the typical scorned woman response by informing him that I never trusted him before and after splitting up (hence the split up) so there's no need to try making up for it now.  Why do these losers follow me and why do I have to share something as precious as a child with them which keeps them around for so long.  ARGH!!!  We all deserve to be loved and we all deserve to be happy no matter how big of an ass you are.

Moving on.............today started off beautiful and ended terrible.  Rain, lightning, thunder, tornadoes, and accidents all over the road.  I'm just happy Lucas and I made it home okay.

Sometimes I wish I could be invisible to everyone again.  It was nice just watching the chaos around me and stepping out of it's way.  Now I seem to be in the middle of all of it and don't really like it all that much.  I believe it's time for a cleaning.

 

Refreshed.............

Last night was a blast!  Hung out with some very dear friends and had my first taste of 15 year old scotch.  mmmm.....it was sooooo smooth.  If you ever get a chance to have some its Buchannans.  Di hung out with Ingrid's youngest Sebastian who is absolutely adorable.  He was playing big brother to Lucas and helping out like a big man.  We ate some really spicy awesome chicken and some veggie rice while sipping on Sangria and dancing to Michael Jackson.  What a wonderful night it was and I really hope to do it again. 

In store for today......TAXES!!!  Grocery shopping, storage, and shoe shopping for the little goon and myself.  Di is going through her break out phase and her face is in need of a dermatologist so I need to locate one that may be open on the weekends.  And last but not least......try to find time play.  It's sooooo cold outside, I don't want to step foot out the door, but I need to get the kids outside to run around.  So, I must make it happen! 

Hanging out................

Had a dream last night that the kids and I moved to Texas.  I don't know what it is about Texas, but I keep being reminded of it.  Moving on......  Lucas has been sick the past week AGAIN, but is all better now.  After seeing the doc and Lucas having a temp of 104, being told that he may have an immune deficiency, and holding Lucas down to take some really nasty tasting medicine....he is about 95% better today!  I called Shane yesterday on my way home from work and left him a voicemail to call me and he hasn't.  He's been distancing himself a lot for the past few months.  He knows there are things that he is doing that I don't agree with.  Hopefully he will come around.  We all miss him a lot.

Today we will be attending a little get together with some friends of ours.  It should be a great time and relaxing to say the least.  But until then I have given both Lucas and Di haircuts, we still need to get the house cleaned up a bit more, fold clothes and wash somemore clothes...shower, put face on and off I'll go to pick up Paul and head out to the party with the kiddos in tow.  Today is a good day.....

Zippa Dee Doo Daaaaa.........

Yesterday was a mess.  Went to work and almost made it the whole day before getting a phone call from the daycare about Lucas having a 102.7 temp.  BLAH!!!!  Poor kid was doing great and then dive bombed later in the afternoon.  When I went to pick him up he looked like a wreck.  I felt soooo bad.  So we went home and I gave him some medicine....from there we cuddled and watched movies with his juice in hand.  Then sissy came home from school and demanded dinner.  *sigh*  lol  I have a few single mom friends and let me tell you.....what we deal with everyday, is nothing compared to what a couple deal with.  It's insane at times!  All is well in the land of Lucas though and Di is slowly getting over her sicky sicky too.  The house is a complete mess right now with sick people and I'm waiting for my day.  I know I'll be next.

Di asked me today what my favorite saying was or a comment I like.  I told her that my favorite saying is "what someone does to you is their karma, how you respond is yours".  She tilted her head and nodded agreeing.  We have talked a lot lately of being accepting of those who you don't see as normal because you have no idea of the person they are on the inside.  When I took Di to her first Art Show this past weekend we ran across a cross dresser, who was wearing a red unitard, high heels and a dalmatian print stoll and hat.  She didn't know how to take that in, so I kept reminding her that everyone is different and that acceptance is necessary.  She may not agree with it, but to accept it as it is.  She complied.  As she grows to see society for what it really is and not the rainbows and unicorns she dreams up.....she will do just fine.  Baby steps though.....baby steps.

Raining....Pouring......

Today was a gloomy day.

Woke up at around 4:30am.....yes...not 2am, but 4:30am!!  I know it's crazy cause I always wake up at 2am, but when I woke it was to the sound of Lucas hitting the floor from his bed.  I hate that which I'm sure he does as well, but it doesn't happen often.  So I run into his room and cuddle him, asking him where it hurts and he said his foot, so I rubbed it and kissed it and off to la la land he went.  Took me a little while to get back to sleep, but I did and I had another crazy dream that is just in bits and pieces at this point.  I really should write them down in the morning when they are fresh.  So I apologize if you only read this blog to read about the crazy dreams I have cause I have failed you as of late.  Be patient, I'm pretty positive they will come around again.

Weight loss regime is underway and I'm still getting used to what I can't eat compared to what I can cause this girl LOVES her potatoes and I cannot eat not a one.  SUCKS!  I can do without bread, rice, etc.....but don't take my potatoes away!  So this morning I made 2 egg whites, with cheese, turkey and tomatoes.  It was wonderful.  No coffee!  Can you believe it!  I actually functioned without coffee!  I amaze myself sometimes.  Ate a bunch of carrots like this mutant carrot I found...
Lunch was soooooo good.  A coworker treated me to some Cuban food at this place by the job and OMG!!!  I had the baked chicken, plantains, and some yellow rice.  Shouldn't have eaten the rice, but it was there....staring at me with it's little grains just begging me to devour it.  I didn't eat even half of it so I wouldn't feel bad for eating it.  hahahah  Then snacks consisted of kiwi and an apple.  Had more baked chicken for dinner and corn.  So far I can't complain except eating so late at night has me worried, but doc said that my body needs to have fuel even at night.  Which I understand to a point, but I'm not doing anything to burn off the fuel so it's only storing it.  I dunno....we will see where this takes me.  All I can say in the end is that I tried and that's more than sitting on my arse doing nothing, right?

Di's 13th Birthday is right around the corner and we've decided to have it be a cost effective yet very entertaining birthday.  No extravagant ANYTHING...hahahaha.  She knows that she has 3 more years before we can do the extravagant thing.  Anyways, we are going to hit up Gameworks in Ybor City, FL or Tampa for those of you who aren't familiar.  They have a $29.99 4 - pack which includes 4 1hr play cards and a large pizza.  Can't beat that!  So Di and 3 of her best girlfriends will be able to play DDR till their little feet fall off and I'll hang out with Lucas around the area.  After that we may do a movie, but that all depends on the outcome of Gameworks.  It will be a fun bday for her....there's more involved, but the highlight is Gameworks for her.  She's very excited.

Till next time.

TGIF................

Full week of training down and 6 more weeks to go!  We are heading in a great direction so far and I'm trying to soak in as much as I can.....when I can.  Tomorrow is my doc appt for my meds and shots, so the full blown regimen will be underway beginning immediately afterward. Work out, eat more good stuff, no carbs, and lose all of this excess weight that I'm finding very difficult to feel comfortable in.  When it starts to hurt your midsection just to bend over and pick something up....you've definitely got issues.  The work out plan is going to consist of me jogging around the area because I can't afford the gym right now.  I'm hoping that I can get up a little early in the morning and do my sit ups and weight training and just do my cardio during lunch, but we will see how well this works out with a 2 year old in my way in the morning.  I have been eating a lot of fruits and veggies, but also a lot of fish and chicken.  The need for protein during this regimen is #1.  I need to build my muscle mass back up to normal which I believe is going to be the hardest part.

Aside from everything else another hard thing to deal with is the lack of companionship.  It doesn't have to be with someone of the opposite sex or even sexual.  I'm talking more along the lines of friendship.  I love my friends.  Sounds funny, but I'm serious.  I really do and I would do anything for them.  Some understand this and appreciate it, while others think I'm stupid for thinking and feeling this way.  I am who I am and I am loyal.  I worry, I anticipate, I think about, I care about, I plan around, I am there......   Sometimes I think that I have too many friends (in my mind) that don't feel the same way about me.  I love them either way, but it makes me feel like I need to just let them be.  They don't feel the same way about me.

Tomorrow evening Di and I will be attending a class mate of hers first gig at an art show in the area.  She's super excited and personally I can't wait.  It will be nice to see some new art from locals.

HORRAY!!!!.......................

Found out today that my bestest boss EVER will be joining us at the new job!  He will be supervising a different dept; however I am looking forward to seeing him there.  Saturday I go to the weight doc to get my little pills and shots to get me started.  I'm really not one to be so desperate; however when you've been working out and working out and eating right and positive yet you just cant seem to lose weight in a particular area.....it's time for reinforcements.  So.....it is what it is.  I will post my progression on this subject like I did the last.  Which reminds me......my craving for cigarettes has returned full force.  I have caught myself standing next to people outside just to pretend.  I'm having to focus extra hard to keep myself from pulling over to a gas station and buying myself some.  I really need something to keep my mind off of it.  Usually I would hop online and check stuff out, but I have no online access at this new job.  My phone is too small to maintain the sites I want to go to and you can only Facebook so much before you become bored with it.  I'll figure something out.  I always do.

FAIL...........

Total failure today on the whole eating right thing.  Started off with a healthy egg white scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato, an apple and coffee.  Then lunch time came and Angelo talked me into eating Cuban food.  OMG!!!!  It was sooooo good.  So....Cuban food + eating right = FAIL  Tomorrow is a different day.

Lucas has another cold.  I swear this kid picks up EVERYTHING!  It's driving me nuts really.  I mean, I feel bad for him, but geeze..... 

Had another weird dream last night, but because it's so late in the day I've forgotten most of the juicy parts so really.....I cannot write about it.  But as a heads up.........they are alive and well.

Training today showed us one of the systems the company uses which I am in love with.  The need for this system at the old job was great; however we worked mostly with cavemen databases.  So it was nice to see a system that made sense for a change.  Diving into 2 things at once here has my mind going a million miles an hour.  Must drink a beer and relax.

UGH..............

Today was my first day at the new job.  Training will be 20 weeks and was supposed to be 9am to 6pm throughout the training process; however on February 28th, they will be changing the time to 10am to 7pm.  Why?  They say it's because of call flow and crap.  I say, it's BS.  For us folk out there that have nobody to help out with their kids will have a problem with this situation.  Daycare's close at 6:30pm!!!  UGH....  So, not only do I have to find someone that can sit around with my son for 35 mins, but I have to possibly find a new daycare after just starting Lucas at the one he's at TODAY.  All because someone couldn't stay consistent.  Pisses me off really.  We'll see what comes of this whole charade.

Side note:  Eggs and bacon, coffee, water, salad, banana, popcorn, water, veggie soup, and BEER
 Probably not the best start to my program, but it's a start.

Another Dive..........

Today I took another dive and decided to conquer losing 20 lbs and keeping it off.  With a little help from the doc, the gym, and eating habits I should get this done within 3 months.  I will post my progress as things come about, but more than likely will be the end of each week.  I have conquered not smoking, so I had to do something that needed to be done and was just as hard.

Very weird dream last night took me into a really nice area of town that was completely deserted.  I was walking down the street when a bunch of other people who seemed to be teaming up with me began walking with me.  We started walking faster and then a half mile in front of us a group of other people were walking towards us.  They were faster and I could smell the fear in the people who were walking with me.  Why are these people so afraid?  The closer we got to the other people the more afraid I got because of the negative vibes I was feeling.  Finally we came up on them and they were vampires.  Questions answered!  I ran!  Fast!  I ducked into this tree house that had a lot of trap doors.  I hid in one of them as I heard the slaughter outside and kept thinking to myself.....wtf am I doing hiding?  I don't want to die that's why!  They're flippin vampires!  But then I realized that this was not the way to go if I were found and really needed to help everyone so I came out from hiding and began my version of vampire extermination.  My dream took me from bloody gore to a nice spa tucked away from everything.  It was a really nice building and when you walked in it turned into a home.  Every room was a master bedroom with a garden spa tub.  The pool was cool and clean and had a breathtaking view of mountains.  I had entered one of the bedrooms, shut the door behind me and woke up to Lucas throwing up at 2am.  What a night......argh.

Anxious............

The feeling of smoking has come back full force today.  ALL DAY today I have been feeling an overwhelming need to smoke.  I am extremely anxious and emotional today also so my mood is definitely not helping the issue. Tomorrow is my last day at my job and then on Monday I begin my new one.  Training for 3 months and then let loose upon the world.  I'm leaving behind my work family and it's really eating away at me.  I guess it wouldn't be so bad if everyone hated me and I hated them, but I love my peeps.  They are my family and I will miss them so much.  Tomorrow we will be having a little pot luck together to see those of us who will be leaving to the other center off and I feel so happy to know that I've impacted the lives of others to the point they will never forget me even when I'm gone.  There will always be something around that will remind them of me and I'm proud of that.  hahahahaha  I will have a ton of tissue boxes laying around because I can bet you I will be sobbing like a little girl by the end of the day.

Respect.....

A few male coworkers of mine had asked me my opinion on a subject they were discussing, so I agreed to give my 2 cents.  I was asked that if I were married and I woke to my husband having sex with me and me saying to stop is this considered rape even though your married.  I responded with a very loud, "Absolutely!"  Another man responded very loudly, "No!"  I asked him what his grounds were for thinking this way and he said because my wife knows to never say no to me if I want sex just like I know not to say no if she wants it.  me:  okay, so the two of you have something worked out together then, but I'll be damned if you walk away with your penis intact if you were to ever force yourself on me.
It irritates me how men think that just because they are married that they jerk their wives around like rag dolls and treat them with complete disrespect.  They wonder why us women are so strong and independent now.  Cause they can't act right and someone needs to put them in their place.

Men and women need to respect one another.  We have all come a very long way to just be shut down over some stupid ignorant power struggle that nobody will ever win.   

Energy.........

When does one feel completely better after stopping smoking?  You would think that it would be about 3 months they feel free of those tiresome chemicals taking over their wills.  I really dislike being sick.  It's been so long that I've felt Not Sick, that I yearn to feel that way again every day.  I'm so tired.  This morning I woke up, forced myself into work and then after 4 hours when the lights were causing me to squint because it hurt and hanging my head felt like I had just slammed my frontal lobe into my skull, I left.  I came straight home and crawled into bed.  I'm wore out and whiny.  Don't you just dislike those whiny people that whine all the time.....blah blah blah.  hahahahaah  I woke up in time to make dinner and blog and now, I want to sleep more.  The kids are watching Despicable Me, which is one of the cutest movies ever so they will be occupied for an hour at least.  I need my medicine to work faster.

Happy New Year................

New Years Eve was just another day for us here at home.  I'm still fighting my sickness and the meds made me feel like poo so the kids and I bundled up on the couch and watched some documentaries before passing out for the night.  I awoke to text after text coming in on my phone from friends wishing me a happy new year while having a drink for me to bring it in just right.  I'm hoping that now that I'm not smoking and my goals are set to get things done and changed in my life for my kids and their lives, that being sick so much will dissipate.  Doc did ask me if I had lived anywhere else where my allergies weren't so bad and I explained to him that this is the only place they've ever been a problem.  Maybe moving to the west coast might help me to live a more happier life?  Still thinking about that one.......that's a major major decision and knowing me, I will have to have all of my ducks in a row and everything planned out perfectly in order to proceed with it.

Other things on the agenda consist of school which is going to be my biggest challenge.  I am needing to find more time to do this and still have time for the kids.  A side of me says, "just do it and quit thinking about the what ifs" the other side is saying, "you get one chance and you want to make sure that you can take this on without any interruption".  I want to be spontaneous, but it's always nice to have a plan B.  We will see what direction this all takes me this year.

Side note.....I totally had the urge today for a cigarette.  Why I don't know, but I thought about the possibility of getting hooked again and the urge went away.  So good for me for figuring that out.  hahahaha