Walking zombie....

Had a wonderful time with my coworkers and the kids last night.  We shot pool, played the American Idol game on the PS3, ate a lot of food and met some really cool people.  The kids really enjoyed it.  It was nice for them to meet my other family.  lol  I spend more time with my coworkers everyday than I do my own children.  It's sad, but true.  We got home around 10:30pm last night and I was exhausted.  Di was still going and the baby was passed out.  So we all went to bed and I yet again woke up in the middle of the night because of a dream that I can't recall, but only this time....it kept me up.  It was 2am and I fought and fought to fall back asleep, but it wasn't happening.  So I laid there....staring at the celing of the livingroom, pondering my future.  I want to sleep soooo bad.  Anyways, I have had a few things pop up that I need to take care of so I may not be on here for a few days.  Life's drama's!!!  Be well.

Good Morning!

I'm going to stop counting my days now.  I feel like I'm in AA or something.  I'm 16 days sober....blah blah blah.  A coworker stated the other day that he doesn't understand why people smoke.  I agreed...I don't understand why smokers smoke except that it's an addiction.  Why I started?  Because everyone else was smoking and I felt the need at that time to fit in with the people that I was around so we had something in common.  Sad case of followerism.  Yes, I just made up that word....followerism.  Its definition is as follows:  A person who habitually follows others in order to feel accepted.  lol  Well then as I grew older and realized that it just wasn't fun following, it was more fun to lead and fall on my face just so I could laugh it off.  That reminds me of a funny saying a friend of mine who was dabbling on both sides of the fence at the time.....ALWAYS FORWARD....NEVER STRAIGHT!  haahahahah

Today I will be headed over to my coworkers house for a cookout and some football.  More cookout than football for me.  I've tried getting into the sport, but the company I have been with during those times has been less than fun.  Maybe I'll enjoy watching it one day.  I'm making my Dill Potato Salad for the event and I haven't made it in so long I forgot what was in it besides potato and dill.  Sad, yes....but it's slowly coming back to me.  It should be a fun day with the kids and coworkers.  Maybe I'll post some pics tonight!

I forgot to post my dream from the night before.  I don't remember much from last night unfortunately which is a good thing.  Means I slept well.  The dream the night before was one that should be written for a movie if it hasn't already.  I was living in a city that looked a lot like NY, but very clean.  I had a best friend who's name was Emily and we would run through the city holding hands like there wasn't a care in the world.  I felt the innocence of the moments we had in my dream; the laughing, the running, the feel of the cobblestone beneath my feet as we walked through the allies.  This went on for what seemed to be a brief moment until we came upon a see through wall that showed us inside someones home.  A girl was sitting there in her chair scribbling on a piece of paper.  Emily and I looked at each other and Emily had a very quaint smile on her face as she took my hand and walked through the wall with me.  We walked up to the girl in the chair and she turned to look at us.  She had down-syndrome and was drawing our home on her piece of paper.  She introduced herself as Emily.  I looked over at my Emily and she faded away.  Then I woke up.
I'm going to take this dream as a sign never to judge a book by it's cover.  I wasn't raised with a thought of looking at others as not being equal, I was never put in a situation where I should feel that way.  I see it  happen a lot, I hear it happen a lot, heck it's happened to me my whole life even today I'm judged by others because of how I look, but I would never think of putting someone through the mental abuse that judging causes just because they look different.  I accept difference.  How boring of a place the world would be if we were all the same? 

Day 15

Dinner turned out great.  Di did a great job especially with the green bean casserole.  We ate, ate more, then more and more, then passed out.  It was definitely a very long day.  Today we sat back and relaxed, watched XMen Wolverine and then around 1pm set off to WizzallMizzart to deal with all the crazies.  Only had to get diapers, but decided to look around a bit. 

Wow all the deals were great.....if you had money!  Isn't that how it works though?  So we WoWed the wish list items and walked merrily out of Walmart with our dignity.  Then we went to the mall.  I received a gift for my birthday from Helzberg Diamonds last month and still needed to pick it up, so we packed lunch brought our survival gear and set foot on our way through the mall on Black Friday.  It really wasn't so bad at 2pm. There were still a few people around that wouldn't watch where they were walking and tumbled over Lucas' stroller nearly falling on their faces, but aside from all of that I didn't kill anyone so it was a good day.  We stopped at the American Greetings store to pick up a couple of 50% off ornaments because we get a new one every year, but couldn't pass up the Thomas the Train ornament that Lucas just so cleverly spotted out of the hundred that were hanging on the wall.  Di picked out an heirloom crystal Rudolph that looks magical on our tree.  Yes, we set the tree up on Thanksgiving night so that we have a full month of Christmas joy and we even played Christmas carols while we did it....neener neener neener.  Anyways, we finally made it to the jewelery store and I loved how I was greeted.  I wasn't.  It must have been my dark hair and tattoo that threw them off.....or maybe it was because I was looking comfortable and not like those silly women that run track in their high heels.  Anyways, I got one ladies attention because Di was looking at those key charm necklaces that are outragiously priced and came across one that was adorned with opal and emeralds.  Di about had a fit, so I asked the kind lady how much is that opal key charm that I know is going to be over priced there in your glass case?  She replied with $99.  What?  $99.......did I hear you right?  Yes!  It's $99.  So I winked at the lady and said, we will have to think about that one....as I handed her my gift card from them for my birthday.  I asked Di to walk Lucas around for a few so he quits putting his hands all over their glass and as she walked away.....we rang up her necklace and used my gift as an excuse for them to show me to the register.  They were awesome when they realized that I was going to actually buy something.  hahahahahah  Anyways, I set aside $100 for each of the kids for Christmas and that was hers.  She's going to love it.  I teased a bit by taking her to get fitted for a Pandora charm bracelet, so I'm sure she thinks shes getting one for Christmas.  hahahaha  Already got a really neat LED bracelet watch for Shane (the oldest)...still working on some other stuff for him and the baby....well....he's the hardest one to buy for because he has so much already that he enjoys.  It's finding that one thing that he's going to love and play with till it's dead.  Last year I bought him a $10 dump truck from a drug store and that's all he played with until I had to throw it away just 2 months ago.  I guess he wouldn't be so hard to buy for, it's just finding the right thing that I feel intimidated about.  Oh!  We also found Di a pair of $10 jeans that actually fit her at Freaky Tiki!  Today was a very productive day.  I even got to take my recyclables to the recyclable center today!!! YAY!  3 bags full and gave my glass to Kevin R at work to give to the city recyclable truck cause they don't have one here for some reason.  Thank you Kevin!!

Not smoking is coming real easy now.  The hard part is not thinking about it when I'm drinking.  Sure test tomorrow when I take the kids to a cookout at a coworkers house tomorrow.  They wouldn't let me anyways and to tell you the truth I don't believe any of them smoke so it will make it easier hopefully.  I'm not going to lie and say I didn't think about having one when I left the mall today because I really really really wanted one.  Having the kids with me gave me strength though, otherwise I think it was just that strong of an urge I would have pulled into a gas station.  Holding on to my future however......to not be a smoker and be able to run and not be sick all the time, to have more energy, hopefully not look any more older than what I am.............that would be bliss.  This is my flip side dive........................

Day 14 - Happy Thanksgiving!

New day with a new patch and of course feel really bad about cheating yesterday, but I think it was more necessary than not.  Feel good today and not itching with urges here at work.  We will be eating some subs, chips and soda, but I'm drinking water.  Can't really stand soda.  My daughter has been issued specific instructions on how to cook all of the prepared items so we will find out how well she has done when I get home around 6pm.  Because my mother couldn't join us this year she will be calling and we will have dinner with eachother via speakerphone.  It will definately be different, but we will at least be together in a sense.  Hope everyone has a wonderful day and I'll post more tomorrow!

Day 13

Horrible Horrible Horrible!!!!  Made a really horrible mistake this morning and forgot to put my patch on.  I wasn't the only one at work that realized that today was just not a good day for me, but my coworkers did as well.  I was sweating, I was eating, I was cranky, I was emotional really......too boot, I gave in and took a drag off of a smoke.  Why?  Oddly enough it calmed me.  Was it necessary?  Probably not.  I could have banged my head on my desk and chanted We Are The World; this would have calmed me.  PPPFFFSSSSTTT.....  No worries though, I'm taking some patches to work for those just in case moments.  I did say that common sense was on my side didn't I?

So tomorrow is the day of thanks in which we give thanks to each other by eating a lot of food and passing out.  I will be working tomorrow, so I will give thanks to those who don't call me to do anything they can wait to do on Monday.  I'll be cooking the little things tonight so all we have to cook tomorrow is the hen!  Long night.

I also had another very vivid dream last night about my oldest son Shane.  We were in a hotel hiding in the rafters of an empty room and these men walked into the room looked around and then one of them shot the other one!  When they left we got down off the rafters and we walked around like nothing happened.  Literally, we didn't even feel or act like we just saw a man get shot.  So as we are strolling around we decide to hop on a train, so we did.  I looked out of the door and the valley was so beautiful and you could smell the fresh air.  Then....Shane jumped out.  I was like WTF?  And didn't want to die in case he lived, that would suck.  So I stayed on the train until it slowed and then I ran back for him.  It was a dream version of about 5 miles..you know what I mean.  When I got there I looked around and found nothing.  I started walking back and out of nowhere a NINJA comes out and wants to fight me.  Then I wake up.

Day 12

Still having cravings.....Today has been a complete disaster day for me.  I thought for sure I could get my mind off of it quicker, but whatever it is they put in smokes these days really has you by your balls.  (pardon my expression if you took offense but I'm serious) I have hurdled the morning smoke, I've even hurdled the 1st break smoke, but right when 12pm hit...I ached.  It goes away, but then hits me really hard again around 3pm and then again at 8pm.  I don't get it!  What was it...1 cheater smoke on Day 2 or 3?  I'm at Day 12 and I feel like I need to smoke a whole pack!!!  This is insane!  I'm going to play some Just Dance with Di on the Wii and sweat it out, then pass out for the night.  I seriously feel like a crack addict right now.......SUCKS!!!!  Thank you Marl-blow.  I also noticed that my skin is reacting to my lack of smoking.  My chin is breaking out as if I'm going through puberty again.  I wonder what kind of dreams I'll have tonight?

Day 11

Did well again today.  The urge was there mid afternoon but I refrained.  My brain told me, do it do it you can just smoke one it won't hurt you.....then it told me, don't do it you'll feel like crap afterwards, keep chugging along your doing great. 

Had another very odd dream last night.  Woke up only a couple times, but for a very short time.  The dream was mostly about Di.  We lived in a fully furnished home and she decided to come home around 2am which is a big no no.  She brought all of her friends with her and even a few people that were my age walked through the door.  I immediately started yelling and I tried soooo hard in my dream to say a particular curse word and it wouldn't come out of my mouth right.  I ran around with a bat telling everyone in the house to leave while I scolded Di and sent her to her room alone.  I ended up in the living room where there were two white furry throw rugs on the carpet.  I sat down next to one and heard this crackling noise, but couldn't figure out what it was right away.  I looked down at the white furry rug and saw that something was burning the rug away.  It wasn't fire....it was acid.  Burning through the rug I grabbed it and ran it towards the back door to throw it outside.  I opened the back door and the back yard was Narnia!!  I threw the rug out the back door and walked down the steps into craziness.  Weird things flying and walking around, I looked back at the house and woke up.  So I looked up what seeing acid in my dream meant and it means (To see acid in your dream, represents feelings of hatred, rage, and/or revenge. Your integrity may be compromised or called into question.  Alternatively, seeing acid in your dream, indicates that you are being manipulated by a situation or by someone. The dream may also be a metaphor to symbolize a negative influence in your life. Something or someone is eating away at you. )  hhhuuummm

Day 10

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday.  I only woke up 2 times in the early morning and snoozed my 6am alarm for 15 minutes.  Felt motivated after that 15 extra minutes for some reason.  Brewed up some coffee with my yummy Vanilla Spiced Rum creamer and went off to work.  I didn't even crave a smoke at work today!  Not even 1.  I will tell ya though, it's no fun coughing from not smoking and coughing from getting over being sick.  The two of them feel lethal together and made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  Anyways, I have made it through the day and now I'm sipping on my wine.

 The room swap for the kids went well yesterday.  Di now has my room and Lucas has her room and my room is the living room.  It's not so bad really.  All I ever did in my room was sleep and change, so it's better that the kids have their own rooms to explore in.  I remember using all the bed sheets in the linen closet to build this HUGE tent in my room.  I would hang them from every corner and tie them together in the center.  I wasn't born to be an engineer which was obvious from the lack of support in the center of my tents, but it was fun.

Onto Day 9

Yesterday felt just like this!

A lovely coworker of mine asked me, "So where did you put your patch today?"  I replied, "The same place I always put it.  Why?"  Hence my post yesterday about moving my patch.  Well by moving my patch it caused me to crave a smoke about as bad as a pregnant woman craves food.  I was going nuts!  I paced, I cleaned, I sat staring at nothing, I wanted to pull my hair out, but instead.....these guys showed up.....

They whooped my arse and kept me from going insane.  The one to the far left gave me a round house kick to the jaw which took my focus off of smoking to focusing on placing my jaw back where it was supposed to be.  Seriously......Lucas round house kicked me.  So inadvertently he put me in check.  hahahaha

Today the patch is on the other side and I can already feel my body/brain craving a smoke.  Another entertaining episode for you to indulge in "Another Dream!"  I was at a house which looked to be out in the country somewhere.  Green grass and scattered trees, the house wasn't a big house, but it fit everyone that I know from work in it.  Everyone inside seemed to be in a hurry, running back and forth from one room to another.  Kristine K stopped me and asked me if I ate yet.  She held my hand and walked me to a HUGE room where there was a restaurant style buffet and hibachi set up.  She sat next to me and we had a conversation that I cannot recall, but it was nice.  Then my dream flashed to me being outside the house again and I was driving a motorcycle down the little dirt road that lead from the house to the river and I woke up.  I woke up at 4:30am and could not go back to sleep.  Believe me I tried.....really really hard I tried.  Instead I sat up in bed and thought about everything that I need to get done today and decided that today is the day.  I will be diving into the room swap today.  FUN FUN FUN.  During these thoughts as I lay in bed I also decided, that the possibility of finding a futon mattress is more likely, than finding a sleeper sofa and one is definitely going to be a lot cheaper than the other.  I am currently 2 cups of coffee into my day, shower to follow and then I'm off to be productive.

Day 8

Day 8 has really just begun and I have already felt the disappointment set in from cheating last night.  Even though it was one and even though alcohol was involved, I still can't seem to talk myself into making it right.  Today I moved the patch to the right side of my body.  I'm afraid to put it on my tattooed arm in fear that it may cause the ink to do something weird, so I put it just below my collar bone near my arm.  I keep catching myself eating things.  I don't buy junk food so this is a plus, but with all the veggie eating I'm going to end up spending just as much money in buying more as I would buying smokes.  I need another alternative.  My drive for exercising has been placed in the backseat due to being sick all week and my brain keeps telling me to do it, but my body is telling me, HELL NO. Well....it's only day 8.  All I can do is know what needs to be done and somehow do it.  When is another question, but it will happen.

Lucas is doing better.  Still waking up 2 to 3 times in the middle of the night whining and his nose is an ever-flowing fountain of snot, but his fever has gone down without help from additional meds and he's laughing and running around now.

Di is still not sick.....thank you baby Jesus.  lol  Hopefully I can get motivated enough today to start moving some of my stuff into storage and grab all of the Christmas stuff to bring home for set up on Thanksgiving Day.  Not being on FB has allowed me some mental time to figure out what I can do in order to stay where I'm living comfortably.  Lucas and I share a room right now, so by the first of the year I'm moving Di to the master room, Lucas to her room and purchasing a sofa sleeper for the living room where I will sleep at night.  Minimizing and consolidating my household items is going to be the hard part.  I'll be selling my entertainment center soon so I can purchase a smaller TV.  I'll be giving TJ back his humongous rear projection TV that takes up half of my living room.  From there I'll be finding little odds and ends to make up a new entertainment center that won't take up so much space.  We are going to hunker down and stay in this place as long as possible. 

Recap....Day 7

Today was a very tough day back to work.  The urge to smoke was very strong, but I held my own.  Didn't smoke until I had two peach vodka with sprite drinks and then I was on fire running around like a mad man screaming for a smoke!!!  Then I had one....  It was nice.  But then I hacked.....and then I thought about running and how I would feel afterwards.  BLAH.....  mind over matter is a must.  All of this stress is giving me some really wacked out dreams too.  Last night I had a dream that I was stationed in Japan with one of my really close girlfriends and she died during a deployment, but after I investigated I found that her greedy husband had banished her to a spirit world so he could collect her insurance.  I ended up bringing her back before I woke up, but I'll never know if we took revenge on her husband.  hahahaha  I swear I'm not psyco....I really do think it's the patch.  hahahahaha  Nicotine is making my mind race.  

Day 7

No smokes at all yesterday and I'm well on my way to being released from this demon.  lol  Today I'm at work, so we will see if the test of all times works in my benefit.  I smoked more at work than I did at home.  Urges are running ramped however.  I must stay strong!!!  lol 

Day 6

New patch, new day and no smokes for me to puff on at all.  I will be sleeping most of the day today so it shouldn't bug me too much.  Besides, how my chest is feeling from being sick will only accentuate the discomfort if I smoke, so I will gladly refrain. 

Lucas didn't do so well last night.  Poor guy sweat so bad he was soaked from head to toe and his pillow felt like it just came from the wash.  The look on his face all night was agonizing and made me wish I could take his pain away.  Right now he is doing okay, up and watching his favorite DVD mimicking each word.  Not smiling too much this morning though and refuses to eat, but is drinking a lot better today than yesterday.  His responses are by the book though so I am positive he will be better soon.  For myself however different story from yesterday.  Last night I battled my own fever as well.  Trying to hydrate myself this morning so I'm continuing with my PB Tea and honey.  We'll have some homemade veggie soup this afternoon to help us sleep for a bit and hopefully be ready for work tomorrow.  Note to self:  Never bid on things on eBay while you are sick.  Thankfully I did not win, but wondered why my email was flooded with YOU GOT OUTBID emails this morning and I guess I was Christmas shopping for Di in my sleep.  Don't remember any of it.  Nice.

Day 5

2 smokes today, but I'm blaming it on being sick.  Of course it wouldn't ever be due to my amazing skills at refraining myself from doing things that I'm addicted to.  hhhuuummm  Flip side of the day today was that instead of being worried that I'm going to lose my job due to my son being sick all the time, I was able to file for Family FMLA which is going to keep me from freaking out if the baby gets sick again.  I won't get paid for it, but at least I won't have to worry about losing my job.  WHEW!  Dr said his cold caused a major ear infection in both ears from drainage.  Poor guy.  I'm lucky I kept some antibiotics from my last sinus infection cause I feel one coming on.  Daughter has miraculously made it through with only a stuffy nose.  No FAIR!!!

Another flip I've accomplished is going from blond to dark brown. EEEKKKK Yes, very eeekk; however, I am going to enjoy the different outlook on life that a brunette gets when prancing around like a know it all.  Only I have an edge on them.....I have a GREEN hugh and they don't.  NEENER NEENER NEEEEENNNNEEERRRRR   yes, I have learned my lesson with buying box color.  I will never do it again.

Day 4

In an attempt at waking up I walked outside, tried to smell the cool air with my stuffed up nose and lit up a smoke.  The morning smoke is always the hardest to stop for me.  Possibly because I go 8 hours straight without one?  Well, I took 3 drags from it and put it out.  It tasted horrible enough for me to wonder why the heck do I smoke these things anyways?  So we will see how the rest of the day goes.  Oh, and I also noticed that while on the patch that my dreams are very very intense.  Last nights was about my detective friends wife going postal and I had to stop her.  Would have made an awesome movie.  hahahaha

Lucas is still running a fever and kept being woke up by it last night.  You know those crazy dreams you have when you are sick?  A few times during the early morning he would sit straight up in his little bed and just scream.  Scared me so bad I didn't go back to sleep for at least an hour.  I'm going to see if we can beat this thing by this evening and if we can't I'm taking him into an After Hours clinic.  As for myself; I can function, but I look like I got smacked with an ugly stick more than 100 times.  Been drinking lots of PB Tea (English tea) and honey which seems to be helping me to keep up with the baby.

Side note; I have one of the most understanding, caring, loyal, trustworthy, knowledgeable, and comforting bosses in the whole world.  Of all the jobs I've ever worked, this man is the best at taking care of his people.  It's really hard as a single mom to not have to take off work when your children are sick.  We can't take them to daycare, we can't leave them home alone, anyone that would possibly help you is working too, and dad says he can't take off work to come help.  I'm sure there have been some single mom's out there that have taken advantage of their status which messed it up for the rest of us who really need help, but I've always been a trooper and will continue to be one.  It's just people like my boss that make things less stressful that I really appreciate. 

PC Virus - Please self medicate

   Sorry for the delay in posting.  I flip side dove head first into yet another experience inadvertently.  IExplorer wouldn't let me log in to my blog, then it wouldn't let me log in to my email, so of course I got a bit ticked and called up my wonderful friend Paul who listened to my symptoms and diagnosed with a pill called, "Uh, Oh".  This pill was only supposed to be taken while drinking heavily because I would have been able to stomach its powerful prognosis.  ALERT ALERT  Well, all is good for now and Dr. Paul will be permanently correcting this issue fairly soon.

  So we are at day 3 of the patch and it no longer itches or burns.  I've decided to place it on the same spot each day for just that reason.  Yesterday I had 3 smokes instead of the common 10 so I'm off to a good start.  Today I don't feel myself needing one at all and that probably comes with the fact that I'm dog sick right along with the baby.  Looking forward to breathing, running, smelling and tasting everything again which is the flip side of what I am dealing with right now as a smoker.  Sucks?  YES!  Being able to taste and smell better I think may be the cause of quitters gaining weight so I must keep my sites on exercising when I feel the urge to shovel food into my face.  My urge to quit is so strong that I dreamt about smoking last night and that evil doers laced all the cigarettes in the world with poison and one by one, us smokers were put out of our misery.  MMUUUUAAHAAHAHAHAHA

  Speaking of food....I have decided that this years Thanksgiving will not include a turkey, but a hen.  The sides will of course be the typical "best ever".  Mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, marshmallow topped yams, and corn.  I think I may even try diving into baking a pie!   YUMMERS  Okay, enough writing about food, I'm feeling the urge to do some sit ups and I don't think my medicine head will allow me to get through even one of them.

Hopefully today will be a boring day so I can rest up for work tomorrow and be my normal self. 

Start to Finish.....are you ready?

Why the Flip Side Dive?  Have you ever wondered why people say, "See ya on the flip side?"  The other side of where you currently are...right?  Slang term for the better side of life or the side that you want to be on but really don't know how to get there or maybe even the worse side of life which is not so cool.  This is going to be a blog about me diving into those flip sides.  No being skeered, no self doubt, running from possibilities, and not even "wall blocking" dating.  I'm going to dive right in and see what happens.

Will this be entertaining for you?  I dunno, but I can say that it will be extremely entertaining for me to blog about.
Today I've started my Nicoderm CQ patch.  This little bloody patch that is itching the hell out of my arm is of course keeping me from thinking about smoking because I've been itching my arm all day causing me to not have a free hand to hold the damn cigarette.  After a few drinks I've managed to calm myself down enough to use both hands to cook and type.  Yes, at the same time cause I'm cool like that.  Trying to quit smoking is a feat all in itself.  I am diving into the nonsmoking side because it's only going to better me.  As we all dwell on how we looked 10 years ago, we think about ways to bring us back to our no wrinkle, no grey hair, no sagging, selves.  Why I started smoking?  I really don't even know.  I just did.  I've quit several times.  First time was right off the plane headed to boot camp and ran 2 miles the next day.  When I started again, it was purely out of spite because I wasn't supposed to.  In our dorms on base, if I ever got caught I was in some serious trouble.  I quit while pregnant with my daughter who's 12 now, but then immediately started back up again after having her.  An output possibly?  My way of having my own time to myself.  I didn't think about what it could potentially do to me because I knew a lot of people that did it so I never dwelled on it.  Now, I'm going to stop.  I must stop.  I can feel myself dying inside and hate the fact that there is something controlling me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like things controlling me.  Hence....SINGLE STATUS.  I can feel myself being really jumpy, like I need to go do something because I'm not smoking.  But there's nothing to do.  I must find something to occupy this free time.  There is only so much Mommy stuff to do before you begin to crave alone time...........what do I do then?  That's my next project.