Feel IT......................

Went to the doc today and I've lost 10lbs so far!  Moving along at a good pace, just need to remember to steer clear of the carbs that I love so much.  Next paycheck I need to get some Katosis strips so I can monitor my carb flush and once I've rid my body of all the bad stuff, I can start feeding it the good carbs again (fruits, veggies, etc)  Eating nothing but protein can really make you start craving things really really bad.  Working out is doing a lot for me now too.  I worked out for an hour for a good year and gained nothing from it but energy and that feel good feeling.  It was why I went to this doctor because that wasn't really normal with the amount of workout I was doing.  Now I'm doing 15 minute mega strenuous cardio, 50 incline crunches/situps/lats with a 5lb weight, and 50 25lb tricep pulls, 15 40lb back lifts, and yoga.   I've lost 3 inches from my hips so far and I've only begun.  I'm very excited to very soon have ME back.  It will be nice to feel good about myself again.

As far as the world of dating, I've been getting mixed reviews.  Some friends tell me to enjoy it and some tell me that I need to stay focused and maintain my path.  Enjoy it mostly because....well....I don't....and maintain because if I jump into things like my mind wants me too I will regret it.  Overall, I'm a confused little girl who wants nothing more than to be happy and have a companion to experience life with, but don't want to deal with all the bs that goes along with it.  Maybe I should just get a dog?

KEY...................

Okay Okay Okay...........I know I'm a bit overbearing when it comes to meeting someone new, but when you have been through 4 really long relationships that have spanned my young adult life up until almost 3 years ago...you have every right to be upset, picky, overbearing, and protective.  A massive bout with a lack of self confidence is also a common player in these situations so it's not that I'm completely out of the game, I am just a foreign player in the game.  I have different game strategies is all and it's a bit difficult for some to understand.  So we will leave it at that.  I do think that the only guy that will be able to handle me at this point is Superman because I expect way too much now due to being such a scorned woman.  It's terrible really that I've allowed myself to get to this knowing how strong of a woman and independent of a woman I am, but because I'm so loyal it's brought me here....to this void.

I spoke with a best friend earlier who exposed me as "Princess".  Not because I act like one cause I'm far from it, but because when men want me, they must first slay the dragon for me to accept them and the vast majority are unable to even don the armor.  This is true in so many ways.  Because I have dealt with, catered to, and guided every relationship I've been in, I have not experienced what a true MAN is.  The major hump in this is for me to be able to allow one to be one because so many have not.  This is a true test to see if I can allow testosterone to equal my estrogen. *mostly because I am Mom and Dad and have been for a very very long time and take care of myself*

So as you can see, I'm not dating as I stated a few posts before that I was going to try to do. Mostly because of these issues I have and one very particular one being my self confidence.  When one has so many failed relationships you start to think it's your fault.  Even though I know none of them were caused by any wrong doings on my end....I have been left with emotional and physical scars from each ordeal. 

Him, "I want you to be my wife and spend the rest of our lives together".  Me: "That would be wonderful, but shouldn't I meet your parents?"  Him:  "I can see our future together, sitting side by side on a swing bench on our porch at the age of 80, holding hands and looking at eachother as if we've fallen in love all over again".  Me: "UMMMM...don't you think it would be nice for you to meet my Mom first before confessing your future to me?"  Him:  "I want to have babies with you."  Me:  "Oh HELLLL NO.......get the hell out."  So, these silly things that boys say that cause 2 beautiful babies to be spawned works when you have a nieve girl on your hands; however.....when you trick a woman and cause her to be pregnant with baby #3 because it's what YOU want.....doesn't make her a very happy woman.          

Fudge Crackers.....................

I am finding myself getting nauseous when thinking of my ex.  My head continuously goes through scenarios of the past and making assumptions of what is going on in the present....this of which has been keeping me from sleeping, concentrating, and enjoying my life.  I fight really hard to shake these thoughts, but it's like there is an underlying sense of something being incomplete and it's keeping me from moving forward.  I surround myself with people who I care about, I occupy myself with my children, and even with these things interfering; practically all moments alone.....has me thinking these things about him.  It's very restricting.  I worry about moving on and having to deal with this again.  I worry about finding someone to just enjoy time with and then becoming too emotional about them so they take off.  I worry that I will be alone forever because I don't want to catch an STD.  I don't know what is wrong with me....but I do know that I need to figure it out before it kills me.  This is what is keeping me from dating or even just hanging out with potentials.  I thought for sure if I went on a few dates I would loosen up and be able to take on the world again, but I can't even bring myself to go out on a date.  I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I'm upset about how I yet again fell into a terrible relationship....I know for a fact I'm a bit depressed because of it and know that I need to be strong for my kids cause they need me to be.  I'm finding myself wanting to change every aspect of ME so that it doesn't happen again.  Maybe if I just change who I am and maybe what I look like, it will all go away and I can live happily ever after like I deserve too.  Harder to do than to say it, so I will continue to fight myself and live as happily as I can until I can flipside dive into this situation with more gusto.   

Sick to my stomach........

I am a woman of odd self control.  I can refrain from killing, I can refrain from stealing, I can refrain from eating things I really shouldn't, I can even refrain from having sex; however.....I for some reason cannot refrain from hating.  It sure does take a lot to get me to hate; sometimes years even, but I cannot shake how I feel when that feeling has presented itself.  I dislike things, like high heeled Nikes, extremists, and burnt eggs, but this feeling of hate is soooooo evil, so overpowering, that if in a room with this thing that I hate so much I want to vomit.  Yes....like in the Exorcist!  Projectile all over this thing until it begs me to stop.  BLAH!!! 

Anyways, moving on.....yesterday with the kids at the State Fair was fun, but so hot we all got sunburns.  Poor Di got hit the worst.  We then left the fair where we met up with the Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle and of course the sponge...TJ-  High as usual he was, but made sure the baby was with me at all times - and then sauntered over to the Uncle and Aunts house that I wasn't allowed to be for over a year and had dinner.  Walking into their home I had my guard up.  It's terrible to not be able to fully trust people that are in your childrens' lives.  You want to believe they have you and your childrens' best interests in mine; however after things are said and done, it's hard to rekindle that trust again.  So the night went okay, but I do have to say I was extremely uncomfortable with TJ being around because not only was he high, but he was drinking heavily.  With his mother around and she's just enjoying everyone's company and not really mentioning much of what her son is doing.  I really truely do want my kids to have family around, but I am beginning to think the farther I get away from the negative, the better off they will be.  We should want our kids to experience their rights and wrongs, but it's harder for them to decipher what is wrong and right when adults are doing wrong things and the response from other adults is either neutral or positive.  Don't get me wrong...I do my own wrong things, but I am very quick to call out my faults and that what I have done is not the right thing to do.  There are always consequences for your actions.  I'm in a bit of a rut mentally with this......  I just hope I make the right decision...    

STRUGGLE....................

As we take on personal goals we learn self sacrifice again and again.  Our willpower is not as strong as our minds believe it is and it causes us to give in.  I have begun smoking again and even though my conscious tells me to put it down, my willpower to do so is lazy and denies me.  I reflect back on how good it felt to not smoke, but it's overpowered by how hard it was to fight off the urges.  I guess this is a more tamer version of a junkie detoxing and it has definitely allowed me to come to terms with how difficult it is for them to recover from their habit.  We do need a support group, a confidant that we can lean on when the urge is so strong that you want to take the easy way out of it and just swing into the local gas station and swipe your credit card.  Online support groups are not so easy to deal with because well.....you can't see them.  Are they truely interested in helping or are they just sitting there typing in responses that are from a piece of paper?  Like AA, smokers should have a physical group that we can attend to keep us in check with our addiction.  If they have one....let me know!

A lighter note - my weight situation is seemingly well.  I'm losing inches, gaining muscle mass, but have only lost 2lbs as of Thursday.  I was asked to try an Atkins approach to my eating habits as I eat a lot of raw veggies and fruits, but not enough protein.  So...doc says to try only eating proteins for a couple of weeks and get these test strips at the store that tell you if your body is in a kind of shock which means it has expelled all bad carbs so when I eat the good carbs (fruits, veggies) that my body will be able to use them properly.  So, i started that Thursday night by only eating chicken.  The following morning I ate a couple of hard boiled eggs and cheese, lunch was a chicken breast and some cubed cheese bites, dinner was more chicken.  hahahaha  Pretty soon I will hate chicken!  This morning I made some scrambled eggs with turkey and swiss which was amazingly delicious and for lunch I'll be eating salmon, tonight is Talapia.  I am going to end up running out of protein foods before I get paid this week so I'll have to figure something out until then, but hey....this is all worth a try.  I'm not getting any younger and my body is changing, so I must change my habits to fit me now. Yes...not smoking is one of those things i need to change and it WILL happen....  by the end of this month I should have my Maid of Honor dress delievered, so we will see where I stand at that point when I try it on.  Tone Tone Tone......it's a must.

HELL............................

Not saying at all that my issues are any bigger than some peoples issues out there, but DAMN!  Things again are going to get a bit more stickier very soon with Lucas' father.  The fact that this boy can come to my home, give Lucas clothes from one of the women he's bangin cause he can't work hard enough to afford anything for his son himself, while drinking an alcoholic drink and have pin sized pupils looking at me asking me for a glass of wine......I'm going to flip my top.  So, I just told him that if he comes to my home again in this manner I will and will not hesitate to call the police to escort him away from my home.  Like a typical addict he denies being on anything ever and so I told him I'd rather the police tell me he's sober than believe what he says.  That was the end of that conversation.

So....as I sit here drinking my wine being a complete hypocrite....I am in my own home, with my children that I work hard to take care of and get the best I can afford to give.  If there is any advise I could give to anyone wanting to start a family......be together, living together, married and happy, travel the world and experience as much as you can...before having children together.  Once you are content with yourself, you can be content with poopy diapers and vomit.

My workout today consisted of running on the treadmill which sucks cause I can never run straight and you have to do that on the damn treadmill, so I had to have a hand on the side bar while I ran so I didn't fall over.  hahahahah  After that was 20lb dead weights on the back lifter...25lb shoulder lifts which sucked cause of a dislocated shoulder injury from a couple years ago, but felt really good to do that much weight finally with it, 40lb push up weights all for a 15 count 2x session and last I did tricep pulls 2 15count as well.  I really need to find a cheap masseuse to work out these knots....one day.

GIFT...................

This morning was a "hit the snooze and pretend like you don't have to wake up for another 4 hours" day.  So tired and so worn out from.....nothing really.  I wonder why we get so exhausted from doing......nothing.  I work a high stress job which could definitely wear on the adrenaline glands; however I'm not working construction, I'm not running around like crazy....so it must just be drain from pure boredom or drain from the constant release of adrenaline.  Whatever it is that's going on makes me want to change my environment so I walk into a fun house instead of a dead house.

A few of us in training gave blood today at the Blood Mobile.  I've always thought it was hilarious to sit through the 100 questions of every disease, virus, etc on that checklist they go through with you.  It's insane!!  I had to stop the lady several times and ask, "what the heck is that?"  She just giggled and proceeded on with asking me if I had hired a prostitute within the last 3 months.  It always feels good to do good.  Even though these blood mobiles sell the blood to the hospitals for major bucks....it's just convenient for them to be around and I don't see the hospitals showing up anywhere to ask for blood independently.  I remember the first time I took Di with me so I could give blood.  She freaked out and started screaming, "Mom!!! They are taking all of your blood and your going to die!"  I couldn't help but laugh and explain the importance of donating.  She understood, but is still bugged out by the thought of it.

So far my weight seems to be steady; however my inches in certain places is going down.  Very weird.  Just last week I had lost 3 lbs and then weighing myself today, I gained it back.  I don't get it really, but heck...that's why I'm doing this program and seeing if there's a way to get my sexy back permanently.

Lucas' father will be over to visit for all of an hour tomorrow.  Can't wait for that...*rolls eyes*.  I think advising him to not speak a word to me will be a great idea.  Don't get me wrong....I am happy that he at least visits when his son when he's not busy screwing women and doing drugs....but the guy doesn't even know what daycare Lucas attends and nor has he ever asked.  I can't ever respect him, forgive him, or even be coy with him ever again.  Hopefully there is a lighter side waiting for me soon.....this sides waaayyyy too heavy.  

SKY IS THE LIMIT????

So I'm holding off on my wine guy date.  Don't ask me why cause I'm not sure myself.  I think it may have a little something to do with him being 41 and a business owner that's very intimidating.  He's very attractive and it seems a little odd that he asked ME on a date.  Yes, I'm still working on my lack of confidence; however it just is an unknown situation for me and has me wondering what his intentions are.  Guys typically have only one thing on their minds, which makes me very standoffish....because my intentions are not that.  I love conversation and if you can hold one with me about something completely out of the ordinary you will have my full attention.  Otherwise....you are screwed and won't be getting a second chance.  Sex is sex. 

I've found myself trying to figure out why I haven't really enjoyed my single life.  I mean I thoroughly enjoy not having to worry about the who, what, when, where and why's of a man in my life..,and actually enjoying not having to ask to go out, what to wear, who to hang out with.....I haven't taken advantage of this. So I must.  I need to fill my life with as much happiness as I can to over power the constant knocking of negativity at my door.

Looking up........

Having a crush on anyone is difficult.  The unknown what if's kick in and tear apart your insides as if you were still walking that long hallway to home room and trying not to look at him.  For the past couple years, I haven't had the balls to tell him how beautiful of a man I think he is, so I decided that before I lose site of him completely, I need to tell him.  However; he stopped and spoke to me today.  I was in the gym and he non-shallontly walked past me while I was pumping iron and then slowly walked by me again and said, "ssoooo....doing some weights?"  In my head I was like, "Duh?!?", but replied "Yes....Yes I am!"  He then started to talk to me longer which amazed me that he was taking the time out to actually strike up a conversation with me so I stopped pumping and turned to him.  As he was talking about work stuff I found myself looking over his face deeper trying very hard not to look him in the eyes cause his are amazing and I wouldn't be able to respond to him because my jaw would be on the floor.  He was asking me questions and all I could do was smile and faintly respond.  Then while looking at his nose my eyes caught something on the side....was it?  Is it?  Are you bloody kidding me?  Are you serious?  Hell NOOOOOOO.........he's married.  WHY?????  WHYYYYYYY????????  Well, as silly as it sounds, I'm still glad he noticed me and spoke to me.

 I have a date soon with my wine guy.  We exchanged numbers and he promised that he would take me out and have fun cause I need it.  I gave him a funny look too, but he's a sincere guy and I wouldn't put it past him if he really went all out to make sure I had fun.  I'll keep you posted on that one.....  Until then, enjoy a glass of something strong and don't forget to smile.

RAGE part duex..........

Okay, so due to the fact that this blog is to follow myself flipping things from bad to good.....THIS is going to be a good one to follow from here on out.

We all have those ex-husbands, ex-fiancees, ex-boyfriends or even ex-wives, ex-girlfriends that we still allow a chat or two or three with especially if there are children involved.  Well finally after getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of my ex, I told him that he needed to let go of me and find himself a woman who will take care of him like he wants cause I'm not doing it.  So....he did just that and found himself a woman who has 4 children!  (pic is not her and her kids, just an example of what he is getting himself into)
He met her at a flea market and mentioned to her that he needed a place to live so she offered a room to him.  First of all.......any good mother wouldn't be saying...."hey, I know you need a place to live and even though I don't know you and have no clue if you are going to hurt me and my children...you can stay with us."  Second of all......only a dumbass that cares nothing about the people around him would be asking a woman with 4 children if he could live with them.  So within 2 weeks of meeting her he was moved into his own room in her home and having sex with her.  How do I know this you may ask?  Because he felt it was necessary to tell me he was.  I don't know why he felt it was necessary.  The only thing I could think was that he wanted to inform me that he was going to be leaving me alone from here on out.  Great!!!!  So as the days go on, he shows up to my house with clothes on hangers for Lucas and money for Di for her birthday.  He hands me a plastic grocery bag with a sweater and jeans in it for Lucas so I placed it on his bed to deal with later.  Now....it's later and I open the bag to take out the clothes and I'm hit in the face with the rancid smell of cigarette smoke.  I also notice that there is a receipt in the bag, so I look at it.  Feminine products, cat liter, etc.  So what do you think at this moment you are looking at this receipt, knowing this guys situation?  YES.....and I went the frog off on him.  "How dare you bring this woman's kids clothes into MY home for my son!  I'm all for charity when I need it, but if you are screwing the help, it's totally not necessary!  You have disrespected me for the last time!"  He replied back stating that she's just trying to help cause she knows how hard it is for a single parent.  I WOULDN'T BE A GDAMN SINGLE PARENT IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR DUMB IGNORANT ASS!  So.....needless to say.....I got my shots in enough to make him feel like a really truly selfish prick mostly by asking him if his mother would be proud of his decision to move in with a woman that has 4 kids when he can't even take care of himself much less his own child.......since he's such a mamma's boy....that really struck a match under his ass.

So where's the flipside of this you may be asking?  Well I'll tell ya.  My ex-fiance has tore me down more than even my ex-husband.  My confidence level is so completely below it's norm I don't know what to do with myself when a "Potential" approaches me.  So I am going to learn how to love myself again.  To be happy with the outcome of my past here in the future and from that I will gain enough confidence to venture out.  It's going to take me a long time to figure all of this out again and I don't want to say that I'm doing it finally because my ex has finally moved on, but I guess I am.  I kept holding myself back because I didn't want to look like the bad guy....the one that disregarded the feelings of the other cause that's not who I am, but that IS how he is.  So in a sense it was better for me that he did what he did so I could finally move onto the next journey. 

I'm going to take everyone with me on this journey.....please comment to help guide me.  It's going to be ruff and emotional.....it's going to be fun and adventurous.  I don't know what kind of person I am anymore when it comes to dating or flirting...or even conversation about any of what pertains to any of this. I'm going to need all the help I can get.