Whiskey..................

What a better way to bring in the New Year than a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey.  Yes......the whole bottle.  I will say no more than that.

As I sit at home in the safety of my home while spending that special moment with my kiddos instead of sucking face with a stranger, I will think off all of you.  Be careful, be safe, don't leave your drink unattended, don't drive intoxicated (you will get pulled over....it WILL happen, so just don't do it), and please for god's sake protect yourself if you get frisky with someone!!!  We don't need anyone mistakenly procreating a new species of anything because you thought the dog was this hot chic you saw at the bar or vice versa.  ewe.  If you need a ride, are in my city and state and need a ride home......call me and I will call you a cab.  HAHAHHAHAA  kidding....I'll help you out.

Komprenday.................

The sickness is coming back.  I've noticed that my glands throughout my neck are swollen which means I'm still fighting something even though I've been taking these horsepill antibiotics.  This could only mean that some lovely shots in the bum are in my future.  Ever since my anthrax shots in the military, antibiotics don't phase me.  My doc knows this, but still loves to make me pay for more meds when the test meds don't work on me.  Sinus pressure is all this is right now, but it will turn into another sinus infection and I can't afford to be out of work right now.

So, we are counting down the days before I leave to Verizon.  We are at day 9 as of today, tomorrow will be 8.  I keep hearing bad things and good things, but all I can hope for is the smooth transition away from Alltel.  For 2 1/2 years now we've been waiting for this day to come.  People came and left during that time because of the uncertainty and the unorganized situation we were all placed into, but the ones that are left are the troopers.  The people who dealt with the pissed off customers and turned them around to make them feel better about Alltel going away....the people who didn't have service on their phones for close to 3 months, but still had to pay their bill because of this........the co-workers I'm glad did not go postal and shoot the place up.........my work family that I will miss dearly only to embrace a new family at Verizon.  It's been a really stressful, very unorganized transition so far though.  Hopefully it gets better.

Sheesh......

I am a spoiled and lazy American that feels terrible for taking advantage of what I have and not appreciating it.  Why do I say this?  I say this because it's true.  We were raised to be independent however we are dependent upon things that we can do without.  I spoke to a few customers today and I had an  attitude....not that it was their fault that they were unable to fathom the cost effectiveness of the company crediting them for hundreds of dollars for their mistakes, but that they depend on their cell phones.  We have raised ourselves and our children to be dependent upon something that can fail at any moment.  Where is your back up people?  We list a cell phone as a luxury item still to this day, we have brought it into our lives as a necessary item in order for our lives to function efficiently.  A motorcycle is a luxury item....so what happens when your bike brakes down?  You drive your car right?  What would YOU do if your cell phone died or services were no longer available?  Do you have a plan B? 

I love Frye.........

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Valentines Day, Happy Birthday and then all over again.........I got the very thing I've wanted for 2 years now.  My brown Frye Harness Boots!  After waiting and waiting, bidding and losing, I finally have them on my feet.  Everyone asks.....why those?  They are cowboy boots......they are big......blah blah blah.  They are American made.....they are handmade.....and the more broken in they get, the more valuable they are.  Yes....broken in boots sell for practically the same price as brand new if not more.  I love the look.  I love the fact that I can just throw these on and they will go with a lot.....  Sundress, shorts, denim skirt, skinny jeans, love them love them love them. 

 

Pooped...........

The day with the ex-in-laws and their family went well today.  I didn't have to kill anyone.  I was myself the whole time and I guess that relaxed everyone because I'm not a stuffy proper person anyways.  Very casual day, played DDR, Just Dance 2, and The MJ Experience on the Wii and my legs feel like they are going to fall off.  We drank a lot of wine and ate a lot of food.  I offered to have everyone just eat with us because it was getting late and we were all having fun so they did.  Oddly enough I cooked for 3, but somehow managed to feed 9 people with a little left over.  I'm very impressed with myself.  Christmas gift giving is always nice, but always very emotional for me.  I really don't ever want anything, but people insist on getting me things.  Nice surprise yes....but upsetting that I cannot return the favor; this is why I ask for nothing, but them to show up and have a good time.  I hope everyone else in the world had a wonderful time as well and for those that didn't, don't worry, better things are just around the corner for you.  Good night and post for ya tomorrow. 

*SIGH*

Why can't Christmas be this fun every year...........................

Exhausted...................

This morning at precisely 2am I woke up to coughing.  Lucas was coughing hysterically so I went and helped him out laying next to him on his comfy bed I ended up passing out myself.  The dream kicked in of me visiting a friend of mine at his home and I was there with my 2 daughters.  (I don't have 2 daughters, only 1) but we were enjoying our time hanging out and then my friend wanted me to meet his new roommate so he walked me to a back room area that was built off of the house and knocked on the glass french doors.  The door opened and it was my Mom!  Confused I asked what the heck was going on and she said she didn't want to tell me that she moved.  I ran out into the living room still in shock and ended up on the couch with my two daughters.  Some weird guy walked through the front door with what looked like to be a fresh hit off his head with the clippers.  In only one spot.....huh?  Anyways, he had a pole with him that he swung around in his hands and did tricks with.  As he was getting closer and closer to my face with it I woke up.

ExInLaws came over this afternoon and spend a good amount of time over.  We had some wine and chatted a bit.  Then they left.  I believe we've decided to have the kids open their gifts and then head out to the beach and hang out for a little while weather permitting.  This way we are not all cooped up in the house all day staring at each other.

KA-POW................

I've lost count on how many days I've been smoke free, but according to a coworker I have to be smoke free for 3 months before I can say that I'm a non smoker.  So.....I'll run with that.  Something about my lungs and breathing will be healthier and blah blah blah.  Looking back on week 1 it was hard, but weeks 2 and 3 were the worst, now I don't even think about it - UNLESS........

some jackwagon at work decides to throw me under the bus today and make the bad me show my face.....yes....yes, I wanted one REALLY REALLY bad....but I didn't.  You give people respect in the hopes that they give you the same respect; however if you are a dope and respect someone that for #1 doesn't respect themselves and #2 doesn't show respect for people of the opposite sex................then maybe this is a lesson for me to not respect those who meet #1 and #2 criteria.  This will be my Flip Side Dive for today.  Moving on................

Today was Secret Santa day at work and it was a blast.  A lot of the gifts were very very nice!  Which was a HUGE surprise because my team is a bunch of guys that like to pick on each other.  One got an iPod speaker dock, one got a floor lamp???, another got a dew rag with a brush (hahahaha) and a laptop case with a mouse, another got a beer mug with a football teams logo bottle opener, one got shot glasses, 2 people got sports team attire, I got money and bath soap, one got Santa slippers, a CD, frame, and chocolates, but there were 2 of the guys I didn't get to see what they got, but I'm sure it was really cool!  Really funny part of the day was watching a coworker of mine who always talks about racial things open the Christmas card I got for her.  The outside was this really cute white teddy bear and inside it told her to have a wonderful Christmas, but I added my own little message - "I gave you the white bear so you could complain about it not being brown, Merry Christmas!"  This was the fun part of the day.

Counting down the days that I will be leaving this job and onto the next is more stressful than a pregnant woman's due date!  I'm antsy, nervous, sad, and some other emotional female things that I really can't describe.  It's a mess really and to tell you the truth I wish it would just be done so I can move on.  It's kinda like kicking out that ex-boyfriend, but can't let go of his sweater.

Tonight I am doing ME......sounded really kinky, but for real.  I've got a bottle of Martini Rossi Asti Rose open and working on glass #2.  Enjoying every sip because dammit I deserve it.  Then when I'm done posting, noting, and FBing.....it's off to play the MJ Experience on the Wii and shake it like a polaroid pikcha!!!!  Watch out nah.....I can moon walk like the man himself......oooohhhh yeeeeaahhhhh

2am........

Whirlwind of emotions today while at work.  Angry at some things that are of political nature, disappointment due to attitudes going from positive to negative, sad from knowing that my work family will be dissipating sooner than I thought; however I seemed to keep a smile on my face all day today as I handed out Christmas or Holiday cards to my work family.  I think I'm trying too hard to maintain the everything will be okay attitude and it's tiring.  I'm going to dive into another mode......but which mode?  I don't want to be snide or mean, but I don't want to be happy go lucky and make people want to vomit either.  Being me is not really being me right now because of everything going on at work.  So, I'll meditate tonight and in the morning I should have my answer.

Every morning for the past year and a half, I wake up at 2am.  EVERY MORNING!!!  I wake up because something either happens in my dream or I hear something and wake up.  It's not always on the dot though, but it's during the 2am hour I will wake, look at the clock, say "Wonderful....again?  Really?" and then go back to sleep.  The only thing I can link as the cause is all the undone things before I go to bed.  My brain is waking me up.  All I know is I needs me some sleeps!!  I thought about a sleeping agent to assist me, but I don't want to be knocked out if something happens during the night and the kids need me.  Just very odd.

I finally finished Kristine's sisters vase that she's giving her for Christmas.  East Indian design with the wonderful Om.  Doing little projects like this definitely helps clear my mind of all the chaos going on in it.  Still working on a second one that I should have done soon hopefully of the Twas the Night Before Christmas segment of "as the sugar plums danced in their heads".  It's turning out really nice.

 It's not perfect, but pretty damn good for freehand on a vase I must say.  hahahahaha  More projects to come as I flip side dive into life!
 

Sniff Sniff.............

Darn sinus' are just not going to give up and leave me alone.  I think I may actually suffer through Christmas which will suck, but I'll deal with it as usual.  BLAH.....

My bod is definitely having a bit of a negative reaction to me not smoking.  Stress is breaking me out, a bit of weight gain (not too much, but I've noticed), lack of sleep, had more morbid dreams recently, and I'm guessing that due to the stress my hair is thinning.  I hope this all works out cause my looks are not making me very confident right now.  Once the sickness is over and things start moving for me at the beginning of the year I should be able to focus enough of the physical part of me.  I guess right now I just need to focus on the mental part of all of this and quit worrying about everything else.

Aside from all of this mess, I made a terrible mistake by attempting to rush INTO and OUT of Walmart today.  Didn't work.  I went for milk, bread, kool-aid, juice, Kirin Ichiban, photos, Christmas Cards and that was supposed to be it.  No....I had to get all of that, a Cars blanket for Lucas because Di got a tiger blanket from her father, a tote bag designer kit for Di, a mini iron, and iron on patches.  Now why I said....let me get her this cute little iron for these patches that she's going to use only once....I dunno.  It just seemed convenient.  But I got my Kirin so I'm okay.  It was a madhouse in that store I felt like I needed to punch someone to fit in.  I went from one end, to the other and back again to get everything and everywhere in between point A and B were people who liked to stop in the middle of the flippin isle.  DON'T EVER STOP WHEN TRAFFIC IS MOVING!!!  I'm sure one of the women I came across won't ever do it again by the look on her face after giving her the evil "you are an ignorant selfish bigot" face.  I quickly calmed down when checking all of my items out at the photo center instead of having to wait in line at the checkouts.

Last night's dream was a very different one than any that I've ever had.  It actually involved myself, Di and Lucas.  Usually it's just me and then one of them will make an appearance and go away, but last night it was all about us.  The first part started off in a park.  There was a huge lake with mountains all around us.  As we were walking a group of people started running real fast towards us and scattered saying to move the deer are coming.  So I quickly grabbed the kids up and moved them both behind a tree so the deer wouldn't hit them and I stood beside it.  The deer came out of nowhere and were so fast you could only see brown and white streaks except for one.  This deer was very confident as he walked toward me.  He stopped right in front of me and stared at me with his dark eyes and then let out a shrill that send all the people running for their lives.  I grabbed the kids and ran into a building.  We walked out of the back of the building and all the sudden we were on MacDill AFB.  Walking into the grass outside the building I got an overwhelming urge to walk the kids somewhere, but I had no idea where I was going so we just walked.  We walked through neighborhoods, into someones home where we were welcomed, across a dirt lot where a flea market was set up and then into another grassy area where I began to panic and where I woke up....
These dreams are trying to explain things... I know they are....I just can't fit all the puzzle pieces together to make sense of them.  They are really taking a toll on me.  I can't go back to sleep after wards because my mind is racing.  I can smell things, touch things, and taste things in my dreams as if I were actually there.  The sounds are acute and there's barely any talking.  It's almost like my senses are heightened when I sleep.  Weird......I'm weird.  I wish I could just dream about sleeping....maybe that might help out my psyche.
    



 

What the heck???

I did get up this morning with the intention of cleaning for company this week, but.....I instead sat back and watched the last 2 episodes of Vampire Diaries online, played some games, played with Lucas, did the dishes, made dinner, and then laughed my bum off at some silly FB pictures.  Very intense day I must say.

I am feeling about 80% better which is enough for me to PARTAY.......at work......ugh.  One of these days I will enjoy my work again.  One day.  But until then......I work, because I'm glad to be employed and providing for my goons.  I am looking forward to making some magic happen soon.  If everything goes according to plan that is.  *sigh* 


I did dive into only 1 thing today.  I put 21 items up for sale on eBay!  I'm a rebel with a cause and something will be purchased dammit.....

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ............

Today has been a lazy lazy day.  Lack of sleep and being sick took me over this afternoon and I think it's about to do it again.  Just got done eating and I feel like I got hit by a mack truck.  Lucas is doing soooo much better, but now Di is getting a cold.  Sometimes I wish that there were two of me so I could do everything that I need.  Trying to function under these circumstances is not happening at all.  I do need to get motivated to get some of those things done at least.

BLAHHH..............

I've come down with the plauge!!  I'm kidding.  Just a sinus infection now.  Started off as a little biddy cold and then I lost my voice and then I was seeing green stuff, so I called up my trusty doc and had him call me in some meds.

Don't you hate it when you have this wonderful idea that you know for a fact will work perfectly and you just can't seem to get the idea out of your mouth for others to understand?  Flippin hate that crap.  Anyways, had a wonderful idea to steal my mother from her current situation and have her move in with me.  Would have worked but I didn't think about the fact that she wouldn't have any medical if she left that sweatshop job of hers for freedom.  So, I must dig further into this subject to see what America has to offer the 54 year old white woman.

There are some serious pressures on me right now that I really don't want to worry about right now.  SSSOOOOOOO........I'm not.  I'll just let it slap me in the face when it comes time.

ooops.....

The last couple of days have been hell.  I caught what Lucas had and it hit me harder.  I lost my voice yesterday and couldn't do my job, so I got to help people do theirs for the day.  Woke up this morning feeling better than yesterday, was able to talk better so I brought some tea to work with me and prepared myself.  After spending 30 mins on a call that should have only taken me 5 mins because the lady couldn't make out what I was saying I gave up.  Told my boss man that I guess I should go home because I'm obviously unable to do my job without a voice people can understand over the phone.  I won't be going in tomorrow.  A co-worker of mine stopped me on the way out and told me she just helped a customer I was working with on the phone this morning.  I told her great I'm glad someone could.  My coworker then told me that the lady said she didn't like my tone.  I was like, "WTF?"  I don't have a tone!  I can't freakin speak!!!  hahahahaha  I sound either like I'm whining or dying or even both.  It's sad really.

Smoking?  What is that?  lol  It has been so cold outside I haven't even thought about smoking because my bum is not going outside when it's cold.  I haven't worn a patch for 2 days, but I probably should to tell you the truth.  I must stay on the path.  So being sick, the weather, and being tired are all playing helpful factors in assisting me.

Ever have that feeling that you just want to move away?  Far far away?  Wish I could do it and know for sure that I could make it all work.  Maybe one day I'll dive into this topic.

Hack-Achoo......

Slowly dwendling down on my Step 2 patches and will soon be on Step 3!!!  My craving for cigarettes has gone, but the cravings when drinking still exist.  Hit me Saturday night while out having sushi with a girlfriend of mine at a place I would normally sit back, have a few drinks and smoke a bit.  I looked at her with this desperate stare and she questioned it.  I just had this overwhelming need to smoke like 5 cigarettes at once!  Those damn things have us warped in the head!!  It didn't make me just feel the urge to have one.....it made me sweat and feel the need for flippin 5 of them!!!!  Crazy I tell ya.....it's nuts.  Detoxing from smoking is hard, but I just think about what it would feel like if I were detoxing from heroin instead and it puts things into perspective.  I know I know....why don't I just stop drinking alcohol too????  Hell no!  I would tell you I'm feeling healthy and energetic at this point normally; however I am fighting a sinus infection which doesn't allow me to function as a normal human-being, but more of a zombie.  Gatta call the doc tomorrow and see if he can just fill me an Rx without me having to come in.

Today I had to explain to a married co-worker of mine the rights and wrongs of communicating with an old flame of his; warning him first that this is solely my opinion of his situation as I am not a certified marriage councilor.  I think it's cute when people come to me for advice on their relationships when I'm not even in one.  For the record.....I don't cause the relationships to fall apart, I am not perfect, but when you find someone who meets all criteria and maintains this long enough for you to get in tight with them and then all the sudden does a 180 on you and turns into Satan with no common sense or ability to function as a respectable human being.....it's time for you to go.  Be real!!!

The weather outside is frightfully COLD.  Not as cold as most places I'm sure, but damn!  There was a rumor going around this morning that it may snow tonight.  Being in Florida I am finding it very hard to believe; however we have not seen a hurricane in 2 years now so anything is possible at this point. 

ahem ahem.....smokey day today isn't it?

Foggy morning, beautiful afternoon, but smokey evening.  Not sure what happened today, but the air is full of a thick cloud of smoke and it just so happened to have appeared during the time of my photo shoot with the kids.  BAH.... but Lori and Nichole did a fine job handling the light and got some pretty good shots in before we had to call in the night.  Lucas did well in the beginning, but very quickly became hyper and didn't want to have anything to do with taking pictures.  Di was as beautiful as she always is and I forgot to put lip tint on.  EERRRR...oh well, the pictures will be wonderful regardless.  We will be setting up another day to take more photos due to the smoke, so that will be fun.  I'll post some pics soon of our outing in the smoke, but until then, I will continue to hack from the inhalation of the not so satisfying feeling smoke.

HOLY POO-rap...............

What a day what a dayyyyyy!  Today would have been a full pack of cigarettes day.  It began with the baby crawling into futon with me.  He has a bad cold and kept whining all night because his nose was runny.  I was like, " Holy crap dude!!!  Are you an infant all over again or what?"  So I wiped and slept and wiped and slept, then I wake up and now I have what he has.  Sore throat, runny nose....just plain yucky.  So I ask Lucas to wipe my nose and he told me no.  He's going to see one day that he will do just that and then some when I get old and pee myself.  tteee hheeee heeee  So I rolled out of the futon and washed my face.  Into the kitchen I went and made everyone some scrambled eggs and cheese.  Then after getting everyone ready....off to the Orthodontist we went to see if Di could get her expanders off yet; which was a big NO.  She still has a little while to go with those and I feel so bad but her teeth are turning out beautifully already and it hasn't even been 6 months yet.  After dropping her off at school, I went to check if this Batteries Plus place could check my iPod to see if it was the battery or if it was as I suspected.....DEAD.  It was dead.  Off to the mall we went to find us all matching shirts for pictures tomorrow.  Keeping yourself from going into restaurants and shops with a 2 year old is very very hard to do.  This is when I wish there were people that you could call to have them go get this stuff for you so you don't have to deal with the tantrums and plain ol poisonous behavior that spews from these little people.  I swear I saw his head spinning when I walked into the 3rd store as he screamed at the top his his lungs because he didn't see any toys.  Spoiled brat!  I decided to stop for a bite to eat with the little satan spawn and he wants CHICKEN!!!  Chicken Mamma....Chicken!!!  So, there was Chic Fila which was packed as usual, then this Chicken Kitchen place.  So we get our food and a lemonade, attempting to push the stroller with the tray and lemonade on top.  Bad turn out.  Before I let the food fly everywhere I just allowed the drink to fall and I'd have to say about 5 people were wearing it and I wasn't one of them.  After eating we popped into Anne Taylor's LOFT and found an awesome shirt.  40% off and good to go, I walked up wearing my chucks, jeans, and Bob Marley Tshirt to the check out where the man asked me if I had an Anne Taylor card I would like to use.  I said, "No...do I look like someone that shops here often?"  He giggled and rang me up.  I walked out of there wishing I knew math better and searched around for a cheaper shirt.  Well, I finally found 3 different colored plaid shirts for us to wear tomorrow and I gave Anne Taylor her shirt back.  We're all going to wear our chucks too!  lol  Getting out to the car some jack wagon parked really close to my drivers side in their boat of a Lincoln.  So I had to rest the passenger door on the car so I could get Lucas into the car.  This old biggot comes over to my car shuts MY door and proceeds to yell at me because my paint is on her car now.  WTF?  So I giggled inside and told her to have a wonderful holiday.  I'm so excited.....this is going to be my first picture with the two kids.  I wish Shane could make it out.  Would have been nice to have me in a pic with all 3 of my children.  Here's her site when you get a minute....
www.cayelynnphotography.com

So as we leave the mall I check the time and I have maybe an hour before I have to take Lucas to the doc to make sure he isn't really really sick that it may cause me to have to stay home from work.  So I think to myself sure I have time to grocery shop.  We go grocery shopping and playing it smart I throw Lucas into the race car shopping cart to keep him occupied.  He was doing so well until I had to stop the cart to pick out which pasta sauce I was going to get and then off he goes.  Jumps out of the car and runs down the isle. No....I did not think about strapping him in, but believe me I strapped that bad boy in so tight he couldn't even slouch.  

I method grocery shop.  You're probably wondering what that is.  I'll explain.  When I walk into the store I head straight for the bread isle and from there I go up and down the dry/canned food isles first before hitting produce, then meats, then frozen foods.  This way the frozen foods stay colder because they hit the cart last.  I also organize my shopping cart cause I hate having my meats mixed in with the canned food when they bag it.  Not so weird really when you think about the logic behind it.  Just as I hit the produce I look at my clock and I have 20 mins to get to the doc.  So I grab the bananas and head to the checkout.  No frozen/cold foods, so I'm good to go right to the docs from the store.  As we are sitting in the room at the docs, Lucas just about craps all over himself and looks at me like there is nothing wrong, THENNNNNN......my phone rings.  It's Di.  She doesn't feel well and feels like she's going to throw up.  WTF?!?!!!?!!  Baby Jesus......if you love me at all...please make this entertaining.  So, he does....  I tell Di to lay down and relax until I get home, I change Lucas while the medical assistant is trying to get his pulse and because she couldn't get it (probably couldn't stand the smell of Lucas poo) another medical assistant pops in to do it.  Finishing up the doc checks him out...everything is cool, off we go to go home and as we sit here watching James and the Giant Peach while eating our pizza everyone passes out.  Thank heavens!  

So now I'm blogging and listening/watching my neighbors fight.  She just threw all of the dudes stuff out the door and last I saw she was throwing all of his DVDs at him.  I think one got him cause he was wiping his face and looking at his hand a few times.  DRAMA in PH!  That stands for Palm Harbor.  lol  She's a crazy spit fire ex-military chic and by the looks of the Lacross sticks she threw at him he must be a college jock.  He's cute.....and isn't fighting back with her which is very manly and something I haven't seen in a very long time.

WHEW........

The day is ending and another will begin tomorrow.  Today, my emotions were going nuts mostly over my work family and their well being.  Most people would be worried about themselves and their own family, but I consiously can't be someone like that.  I worry about my children, I worry about my mother, and I worry about the people who I spend most of my life with and these are the people who I spend 40 hours a week with.  I spend more time with them than I do my own children!  They don't know I care so much and probably only a few will actually catch on to it, but I truely do hope that everyone who I work with and care about makes it through these very difficult times without a dent.  Positive outlooks bring positive things.  Chin up and eyes forward. 

Okay, enough of the mushy seriousness and onto some not so serious stuff.  I haven't had any of those odd dreams for the past couple days.  I'm wondering what I've done to change it.  Possibly that my body has adjusted to not smoking?  Stress usually brings on the crazy dreams and I have plenty of it so I don't understand where they have gone.  BAH, oh well.....I'm sure another will hit me soon.  It's not normal for me to go without an intense crazy dream at least once a week.

Christmas day is approaching fast and I've really only purchased a few things.  My 17 year olds watch came in today.  It's sooooo freakin cool. 

For my 12 year old daughter....

I got her a few other things, but this is the big one.  She has been wanting a key necklace for a while now and loves Opal, so I came across this by total luck.  Now... I have been stuck on what to get for the baby.  I've already got him a couple of books.  He loves books.  We've been reading Greek Mythology lately and he really liked the story of Pandora's Box.  He's destructive though, so it's really hard to find something that will withstand his abuse.  I'm sure I will find something though....possibly Friday when I can get away for a little while without any of the kids around and can concentrate. 

Well the end is here and it's time to spend some of it with the kiddos.  I'll leave you all with the below statement.

I know my faults, I know I wish a lot, I know I hope a lot, I know that half of what I say I'll do I never really do.....it just feels nice to say it out loud every now and then.


 

Woah Nelly......

My Step 3 patches came in yesterday.  On the road to completion, even though I may breakdown and cheat periodically it is a reminder that smoking really does nothing positive for me.  Major hurdle that still needs to be dealt with is my want to smoke when I'm drinking.  This is a HUGE demon!  I love me some wine, I love me some beer, I love me some Irish Car Bombs, but I have refrained from my normal drink habit due to this massive urge to smoke.  Social thing?  Nah....cause I don't get out often and even when sitting at home having a glass of wine I feel it.  Stepping outside and smelling the salty air helps a lot though.  I think the alcohol drives the urge alone.  The buzzed or not so sober feeling enhanced by a mere cigarette.   It's been vicious; however the outcome is getting better every day and keeps me positive.

There are no dreams to report.  For the past couple days I can remember only a little from them which of course helps nobody.  The only changes I made were the night before I drank a glass of wine and didn't listen to any meditation music; last night Lucas slept with me because yet AGAIN he is sick.  I can bunch all my nights together and give them all one common thing though.  I always wake up between the hour of 2:45am and 3:45am.

Today I dove into one of my paintings.  I am painting a vase for a coworkers sister that she will be presenting to her as a Christmas present.  I have 2 vases going right now only hers is the most detailed.  East Indian design with the bright colors and the OM sign in the center of the lotus.  With all the REAL work I have to do everyday, it's been difficult to even put my toe in the water, but I was able to dive into it a bit today. 

 

Creative Juices............

Let me first start with a big WHEW.  Stress is stress, but dammit if you can't find any resolution to it.  Some stress is gone, but I know there is more lurking around the corner just waiting for the right moment to pounce on me.  Until then, I'll be happy with what has left.

I dove into my first hair cutting experiment yesterday.  Lucas has refused to sit in the barbers seat for about 6 months now so you can just imagine what his head looked like.  Crazy blond hair going every which way and none the right way.  So I took control and he sat for me.  With my trusty brush and my sheers, I attacked his hair and it came out pretty good.  Wish I would have had a comb for his little hairs so I could cut it properly, but I did well with what I had.  He looks like a cute little boy again and not the goon hes been running around as.  hahaha

Reflecting back on my last post about my children experiencing the things I've wanted to do so they have a more fullfilled life.  I asked my oldest (17) last night, who doesn't live with me...what his grades were looking like lately.  Truthfully he answered....not so good.  He explained that this year is harder than last and he's just having a really hard time focusing.  So I asked him, "If you had the chance to go anywhere in the US where would you go?"  He replied, "Bahia Beach California."  I asked why?  He stated, because of the lifestyle and it's different.  So I replied, "fix your grades and you may have a chance to see this place."  I'll probably take him anyways, but it's a goal for him so hopefully he does what he needs to do to help himself.  From there, I asked my second oldest.  "If you had the chance to go anywhere in the US, where would you go?"  She replied, "NY City."  I asked why?  She stated, "because when we were there just for a little while, it made me feel different.  It made me feel like I belong there."  Of course the baby is too little to tell me where he wants to go, but I'll tell you where I want to go in the US that I've yet to go.  Montana.  Why?  Because it is rich with earth and not buildings, the air is clean and the land is beautiful.  It is something I have only experienced one other time in my life and to feel that again in a beautiful state like Montana would be amazing.

So my blog ends of course with another crazy dream. 

I decided to put on some meditation music last night to see if anything different would happen during my slumber and well......read on....

I was a scientist in a lab with animals.  It didn't seem like the kind that hurt them, but the kind that helped.  We had an array of different animals around.  Some seemed very intelligent, others just cute, while some were of the meanest kind and I would purposely walk to the other end of the room and walk around them during the dream.  One animal that seemed really scary was this huge pit bull.  He was white with blue eyes and had a very savage stare as you walked by, but he was the most gentle caring animal of all of them.  He was my pride and joy in this dream and he never left my side.  We wrestled and would knock each other down, it was pretty funny to watch I'm sure.  Then there was this gorilla.  He was the complete opposite.  During this playtime with the pit bull another scientist let out this blood curdling scream and I saw her running from the gorilla room into the side room, locked the door and kept running with her arms tucked on her sides.  I started running toward the gorilla room and 3 men were holding the door.  He was trying to get out.  He looked right at me with his blue eyes now red and the look of death on his face.  We were all going to die.  I immediately ran into the lab and grabbed the tranquilizer gun, put it into the tranq door and shot him.  He ran up to the door, lifted the flap and looked at me with is eye piercing my soul and then fell out.  Quickly we ran into the room where he lay to try finding out what happened.  There was blood everywhere, but it wasn't his.  A man ran into the room and said that the gorilla ripped Mary's arm from her body and wanted to know where it was.  We didn't have time to look for it, we had to subdue the gorilla.  This was no ordinary gorilla.  No silver back, not one that was raised as a baby in our care.  This was a red haired gorilla.  Mixed from orangutan and gorilla with the size of a horse.  The men wanted to cuff his wrists and ankles to keep him from hurting himself or others.  I was totally against it.  We needed to find out what it was that made him think to kill.  They wanted no part in it.  So, they hung him from the ceiling by his wrists and the floor by his ankles.  When he woke, I was the last person he saw, so he immediately thought it was me that did this to him.  I tried to calm him and nothing worked.  Later on that day, I went to check on him and as I walked up to his door, I noticed that his door was wide open and he was not in the room.  I shut the door I walked through very slowly and tried not to make a sound.  As I was shutting the door I could hear him in the next room, it sounded like he was eating.  There were other techs working the room and this is what he was eating.  I ran, so fast I ran, he peeked his head out of the room just as I turned the corner and I caught his glare just as I turned the corner.  My heart sunk.  He's coming for me, so I ran into the safest place and happiest place I knew....with my pit bull.  He greeted me like he usually did, but he was different.  He knew something was wrong, because I was never scared around him.  He saw the gorilla come barrelling down the corridor and bust through the door to the room.  Immediately, my gentle friend became a monster.  He walked slowly toward the gorilla as if to speak to him and try to get him to stop.  You could see the caring in the pit's eyes as he tried so hard to alter the gorilla's thought process.  Then, the gorilla grabs the pit, tears it in half and comes flying towards me.......then I wake up.

 

It was a very emotional dream and I really cannot explain it.  Was it the meditation music or what it something else?  It certainly wasn't about a hot guy that I was trying to assassinate or another hot guy that was making me drinks.  This was straight out of a cult classic gore movie.  Creepy.

 

Scatter-brained.........

Given my current stresses I am very proud of myself for not just going out and buying a pack of smokes.  Either the patches are really working or my mind has taken over my want to quit to allow me to stay on path...or both?  All I know is that I'm glad to not be out of breath and hacking every morning.  I have a ton more energy and don't smell like I just walked out of a bar.  I can smell things better and taste things better.  It's great!  This morning however I have a really big sinus headache.  Possibly from the heat being on last night because it was very cold.

Today's events will be cleaning...of course.  The clutter has gone down since giving Lucas his own room, but my teen makes more of a mess than the baby, so I must regulate and think hard about child labor and how I may implement it in my home legally.  Once this is done then we will spend the rest of the day at the Art Fest down the street.  Hopefully Lucas doesn't give me another one of his terrible 2 tantrums.  hhhhuuummm.....I wonder if I attach sponges to his body if he will clean the floors as he flails around on the floor?  Worth a try!

My dream last night was based in a really cold area in a really small town.  The area kinda looked like Oregon.  I was hanging out with hippies who used t-shirts as diapers for their baby and wouldn't take me to the store to get Lucas diapers.  Instead they had me put him in a t-shirt diaper and it swallowed him up it was so big.  Then I was on a helicopter taking pictures of the wildlife and forests.  Odd that we took pictures of a gator in a pond that was iced over.  hhhuummm.....maybe I am predicting the future?  Florida one day will be iced over?  The end of my dream took me to an auditorium that turned into a toy factory.  I was sitting on a conveyor belt watching everyone fall off of it at the end and then woke up.  No sexy men in this one unfortunately.  hahahaha 

dream...........

I've been having dreams of meeting men lately.  I think this is a sign that I'm not as angry anymore, but content.  I just woke from a very vivid dream of Japan.  I was visiting an older American couple who lived there.  The woman who was very wrinkly and coy and the man who was tan and full of energy.  After greeting and introducing them to the kids we decided to go out for diapers because I had no more for the baby.  So while walking to the car I noticed an avian woman walking past wearing a black tank top and black underwear with a huge dragon tattoo going up her outer thigh.  She was walking toward a shop called The Smoking Dragon.  Then I turned back around and we were at the car and everyone was in it but the baby's stroller was outside the car and could not fit inside.  I told everyone that I would return that I had to put the stroller inside the house and for some reason everyone got out of the car and walked back to the house with me.  On our way to the house the smell of dampness and the touch of the warm sun hit me as I looked onto the courtyard where the children of the area played and to my left was this huge billboard that read, "WORRIED?"  it was a Verizon billboard.  I asked the older couple about it and they said it was just put up yesterday and they don't understand what it means.  We reached the front door where they have a nice patio set outside and I put the stroller inside the home.  When I got back outside everyone was sitting down and a man dressed in a chef coat was unloading food on the table and taking drink orders.  He was amazing!  He was a tall Asian man, average build, with mid-length black hair and bangs that were just long enough you would want to move them from his eyes.  His skin was flawless and as I introduced myself I gazed into his blue eyes.  He smiled at me and introduced himself.  The old man wanted me to ask for a drink but I could only ask the old man what he thought I should get and he said a gray parrot.  When I asked for this drink the Asian man replied, this drink should not be called the gray parrot; we will give it a new name today....the Vanessa.  As cheesy as it sounded I ran like a giddy school girl into the house where I woke up and cursed very loudly.  hahahha  okay, I'm going to try going back to sleep now. 

Tornado..........

So this week I realized that I am not one for politics even at my age.  As a young girl I was carefree and really wasn't involved in the stresses of politics.  Even as a young woman I didn't really care for it.  I even joined the military with the high hopes of being able to attend college and be something bigger because I always felt that I needed to.  Really I don't need to be something bigger........I just need to make a difference.  As a woman I still cannot dig my hands into politics.  It sickens me to see how it works, it angers me to see how it doesn't work, the illogical points and the logical points.  "We all want to voice our opinions, but it's hard to be heard when the man has your mouth covered." 

So many things I want to be, so many things I want to do.  I have decided that because I have waited so long to do them I want my kids to experience them right along with me so they can say they have done them too.  The family trips across country and stopping at random spots for photo ops, traveling overseas to touch a real castle and step on the same ground that our ancestors walked on, laugh when we get lost in the middle of Egypt, only to come home and sit next to each other on the beach to talk about our memories.  Now all I have to do is plan, fund, and do our first thing.  Deciding what it will be will be the hardest part because there are so many things!  This is going to be a very old blog with a bunch of wonderful experiences to share.  Ready to grow old with me?

Last nights dream was a steamy yet confusing one.  I was a hired assassin for the FBI (enter LaFemme Nakita music here) and I was given a mission to knock off an Indian (from India, not Native American for those of you who are politically correct) guy who was this wonderful scientist.  We met and he took me to dinner, etc etc.  Well, one night he was in his kitchen cooking and I was in the living room and my cell went off.  It was a text.  It said, "Ronnie, it's not time yet".  I have no idea what that means, but I only know 1 Ronnie.  So I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen where Mr. India was cooking up something that smelt sooooo good and as he turned around (omg he was soooo hot) he smiled and began to walk toward me and I woke up.  These dreams are getting really really good.  hahahha

Heads up on the smoking.........it's working like a charm only today I gave in and had one.  I'm having only spurts of cravings now, nothing as big as before and the cheat today wasn't even the whole smoke.  I am really feeling the energy level going up and I have more focus.  Not as tired when I get home and can actually start to smell things better.  I've ordered Step 1 which should be here fairly soon, so I'm going to do this all the way to the end.