On the Blog Again......Just Can't Wait To Get On the Blog Again.....

Later days have been very heavy days.  I passed Motorcycle Training and have my endorsement.  Needless to say I did not leave training unscathed.  I dropped the bike on the first day after going for the break and slipping my hand downward causing the throttle to be activated....thus...causing me to go one way and the bike to go the other.  It was a lesson learned, but got right back up and got right back on.  o that's one less thing that I need to do before I die.  Now....I just need to get to the DMV and somehow obtain a bike.  hahahah                           

      
 Other than that all went fine and my leg is about 95% healed.  After my leg healed, I decided to go from being a Brunette to a Blond!  Well, back to a blond I should say....

 What a wonderful day to walk into a place as one person and leave as someone completely different.  lol  After getting my hair did, it was my lil brother from another mothers Bday weekend and so we got a hotel room in Clearwater, FL for the weekend to celebrate and chill.  It was amazingly refreshing; however did not last long enough for me....at all. 

We had a blast and hopefully will do it again some time.  More drama to follow.....

Late.............

Sorry, I've been blog-less lately.  Had a bit of the drama and my mind has been completely on resolving it in the best way possible.  Really I haven't completely resolved it, but there are enough options running through my head to say I only have 1 step left.......to make up my mind.

A series of events have occurred over the last few weeks so I'll touch on each one individually.  First one is my weight loss!  So far so good; I have lost 10lbs and feel great!  I've been sticking to an all protein diet and given I'm human....I've had a few slips and there, but nothing drastic.  Slimming down and toning is my goal.  I went from a size 12 to a size 8 and my arms have slimmed down to the point where the arm holes on most of my shirts are not cutting off my circulation.  Also my tummy is toning!  I only have 1 roll compared to the 3 I had!  hahahaha  So I continue to work out 30 mins before work and 30 mins during lunch.  Second one is my dating.  Now working out so well for me.  I have been attracting a much younger crowd for some reason and this is not what I'm looking for.  These men are either in their early 20's, married, or have girlfriends.  In some ways it makes me wonder what kind of persona I'm giving off to make these men think that I'm at all interested.  I do have tattoos, I do dress in t shirts and jeans, I do drink alcohol, I do hold my head as high as I possibly can, carefree attitude, and try to maintain a respectable posture.  It must be the tattoos!  hahahaha  Third one is my ex.  This one is not working out so well.  I don't think I can withstand explaining to him why he is not permitted to be around my children while he is high and drunk.  A few weekends ago I asked for help with the baby's daycare since he hasn't paid his child support and he continued to tell me that he's sent money to the state and he can't control when they give it to me.  Problem with this statement is that I can see our case file online and there has been nothing applied.  So I informed him that I will just ask his mother for help since he can't do it; in which she was just about to send me the money when my ex chimes in and says that he will give me the money.  After so many years of lies and deceit I have awaken to know when a lie....is a lie.  So we agreed to meet at my home on Saturday so he can visit and give me the money under one condition......that he doesn't arrive with pupils the size of pin holes.  His reply?  "I can't promise that they won't be".  So the only thing I could say was, "well since you won't be able to visit the children, we can meet somewhere public so you can give me the money I need to pay for the baby's daycare".  He showed up anyways.  While on the phone with my mother, I had my daughter lock up the house 20 mins before his arrival and I sat outside waiting for the confrontation.  He pulled up on his girlfriends motorcycle, turned the engine off and walked towards me.  I asked why he turned off the engine cause he can't stay....he just needed to give me the money and be on his way.  NOPE.  He walked right past me, tried to enter my home with my children in it and because I beat him to the punch, he proceeded to call me every name in the book as loud as he could, threw a money order at me, continued to call me every name in the book even as he drove away....all with my mother on the phone and 911.  I told the operator that everything was fine now because he left and immediately checked on the kids.  My daughter heard everything and was upset because she thought he was going to hurt me and possibly come into the house.  I told myself that I needed to go to the courthouse and file for a restraining order; however time off of work right now is not an option, so I'm going to have to either wait or find a way to leave work without any issues.  Needless to say, the kids and I left that night and stayed with a friend.  My daughter has been through enough with my ex to know he likes to come back to the scene so she just wanted to leave...so we did.  Since this day my ex has text me on several occasions telling me that he and I need to put our differences aside for the kids and that he's no longer on drugs.....oh...and that he understands that I'm pissed off at him because he would be pissed off as well if I were dating someone, but that we need to try to get along for the kids.  *WHAT?*  Either his girlfriend is sending me these messages under the assumption that she has absolutely no clue as to what is going on or my ex is in complete denial that what he has done to not only me, but my children is not acceptable by any means.  I have replied to NONE of them.  Not one word in any text, but I do have them all saved for court purposes if he ever decides to play with more fire.  I'm in a stage right now where I just wish he would quit breathing my air.  A waste of space in my eyes.  A down right ignorant child in a grown man's body who can do nothing for himself because he feeds off of people who do it all for him.  And when things get heated and it's not resolved in his way..........he yells, cusses, hurts, and puts on one of the biggest temper-tantrums I've ever seen a grown boy throw.  So....this brings me to all of those options I have in front of me.....I can only pick one.  The best one for the kids and the best one for me.  I'm very burnt out over it really, but still pissed enough to react as quick as cat and it won't be a very pretty outcome.

These are the big things going on right now.  I am working very hard at maintaining my focus and finding my self confidence once again after years of being treated like nothing and appreciated for nothing.  Work in progress.......

Feel IT......................

Went to the doc today and I've lost 10lbs so far!  Moving along at a good pace, just need to remember to steer clear of the carbs that I love so much.  Next paycheck I need to get some Katosis strips so I can monitor my carb flush and once I've rid my body of all the bad stuff, I can start feeding it the good carbs again (fruits, veggies, etc)  Eating nothing but protein can really make you start craving things really really bad.  Working out is doing a lot for me now too.  I worked out for an hour for a good year and gained nothing from it but energy and that feel good feeling.  It was why I went to this doctor because that wasn't really normal with the amount of workout I was doing.  Now I'm doing 15 minute mega strenuous cardio, 50 incline crunches/situps/lats with a 5lb weight, and 50 25lb tricep pulls, 15 40lb back lifts, and yoga.   I've lost 3 inches from my hips so far and I've only begun.  I'm very excited to very soon have ME back.  It will be nice to feel good about myself again.

As far as the world of dating, I've been getting mixed reviews.  Some friends tell me to enjoy it and some tell me that I need to stay focused and maintain my path.  Enjoy it mostly because....well....I don't....and maintain because if I jump into things like my mind wants me too I will regret it.  Overall, I'm a confused little girl who wants nothing more than to be happy and have a companion to experience life with, but don't want to deal with all the bs that goes along with it.  Maybe I should just get a dog?

KEY...................

Okay Okay Okay...........I know I'm a bit overbearing when it comes to meeting someone new, but when you have been through 4 really long relationships that have spanned my young adult life up until almost 3 years ago...you have every right to be upset, picky, overbearing, and protective.  A massive bout with a lack of self confidence is also a common player in these situations so it's not that I'm completely out of the game, I am just a foreign player in the game.  I have different game strategies is all and it's a bit difficult for some to understand.  So we will leave it at that.  I do think that the only guy that will be able to handle me at this point is Superman because I expect way too much now due to being such a scorned woman.  It's terrible really that I've allowed myself to get to this knowing how strong of a woman and independent of a woman I am, but because I'm so loyal it's brought me here....to this void.

I spoke with a best friend earlier who exposed me as "Princess".  Not because I act like one cause I'm far from it, but because when men want me, they must first slay the dragon for me to accept them and the vast majority are unable to even don the armor.  This is true in so many ways.  Because I have dealt with, catered to, and guided every relationship I've been in, I have not experienced what a true MAN is.  The major hump in this is for me to be able to allow one to be one because so many have not.  This is a true test to see if I can allow testosterone to equal my estrogen. *mostly because I am Mom and Dad and have been for a very very long time and take care of myself*

So as you can see, I'm not dating as I stated a few posts before that I was going to try to do. Mostly because of these issues I have and one very particular one being my self confidence.  When one has so many failed relationships you start to think it's your fault.  Even though I know none of them were caused by any wrong doings on my end....I have been left with emotional and physical scars from each ordeal. 

Him, "I want you to be my wife and spend the rest of our lives together".  Me: "That would be wonderful, but shouldn't I meet your parents?"  Him:  "I can see our future together, sitting side by side on a swing bench on our porch at the age of 80, holding hands and looking at eachother as if we've fallen in love all over again".  Me: "UMMMM...don't you think it would be nice for you to meet my Mom first before confessing your future to me?"  Him:  "I want to have babies with you."  Me:  "Oh HELLLL NO.......get the hell out."  So, these silly things that boys say that cause 2 beautiful babies to be spawned works when you have a nieve girl on your hands; however.....when you trick a woman and cause her to be pregnant with baby #3 because it's what YOU want.....doesn't make her a very happy woman.          

Fudge Crackers.....................

I am finding myself getting nauseous when thinking of my ex.  My head continuously goes through scenarios of the past and making assumptions of what is going on in the present....this of which has been keeping me from sleeping, concentrating, and enjoying my life.  I fight really hard to shake these thoughts, but it's like there is an underlying sense of something being incomplete and it's keeping me from moving forward.  I surround myself with people who I care about, I occupy myself with my children, and even with these things interfering; practically all moments alone.....has me thinking these things about him.  It's very restricting.  I worry about moving on and having to deal with this again.  I worry about finding someone to just enjoy time with and then becoming too emotional about them so they take off.  I worry that I will be alone forever because I don't want to catch an STD.  I don't know what is wrong with me....but I do know that I need to figure it out before it kills me.  This is what is keeping me from dating or even just hanging out with potentials.  I thought for sure if I went on a few dates I would loosen up and be able to take on the world again, but I can't even bring myself to go out on a date.  I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I'm upset about how I yet again fell into a terrible relationship....I know for a fact I'm a bit depressed because of it and know that I need to be strong for my kids cause they need me to be.  I'm finding myself wanting to change every aspect of ME so that it doesn't happen again.  Maybe if I just change who I am and maybe what I look like, it will all go away and I can live happily ever after like I deserve too.  Harder to do than to say it, so I will continue to fight myself and live as happily as I can until I can flipside dive into this situation with more gusto.   

Sick to my stomach........

I am a woman of odd self control.  I can refrain from killing, I can refrain from stealing, I can refrain from eating things I really shouldn't, I can even refrain from having sex; however.....I for some reason cannot refrain from hating.  It sure does take a lot to get me to hate; sometimes years even, but I cannot shake how I feel when that feeling has presented itself.  I dislike things, like high heeled Nikes, extremists, and burnt eggs, but this feeling of hate is soooooo evil, so overpowering, that if in a room with this thing that I hate so much I want to vomit.  Yes....like in the Exorcist!  Projectile all over this thing until it begs me to stop.  BLAH!!! 

Anyways, moving on.....yesterday with the kids at the State Fair was fun, but so hot we all got sunburns.  Poor Di got hit the worst.  We then left the fair where we met up with the Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle and of course the sponge...TJ-  High as usual he was, but made sure the baby was with me at all times - and then sauntered over to the Uncle and Aunts house that I wasn't allowed to be for over a year and had dinner.  Walking into their home I had my guard up.  It's terrible to not be able to fully trust people that are in your childrens' lives.  You want to believe they have you and your childrens' best interests in mine; however after things are said and done, it's hard to rekindle that trust again.  So the night went okay, but I do have to say I was extremely uncomfortable with TJ being around because not only was he high, but he was drinking heavily.  With his mother around and she's just enjoying everyone's company and not really mentioning much of what her son is doing.  I really truely do want my kids to have family around, but I am beginning to think the farther I get away from the negative, the better off they will be.  We should want our kids to experience their rights and wrongs, but it's harder for them to decipher what is wrong and right when adults are doing wrong things and the response from other adults is either neutral or positive.  Don't get me wrong...I do my own wrong things, but I am very quick to call out my faults and that what I have done is not the right thing to do.  There are always consequences for your actions.  I'm in a bit of a rut mentally with this......  I just hope I make the right decision...    

STRUGGLE....................

As we take on personal goals we learn self sacrifice again and again.  Our willpower is not as strong as our minds believe it is and it causes us to give in.  I have begun smoking again and even though my conscious tells me to put it down, my willpower to do so is lazy and denies me.  I reflect back on how good it felt to not smoke, but it's overpowered by how hard it was to fight off the urges.  I guess this is a more tamer version of a junkie detoxing and it has definitely allowed me to come to terms with how difficult it is for them to recover from their habit.  We do need a support group, a confidant that we can lean on when the urge is so strong that you want to take the easy way out of it and just swing into the local gas station and swipe your credit card.  Online support groups are not so easy to deal with because well.....you can't see them.  Are they truely interested in helping or are they just sitting there typing in responses that are from a piece of paper?  Like AA, smokers should have a physical group that we can attend to keep us in check with our addiction.  If they have one....let me know!

A lighter note - my weight situation is seemingly well.  I'm losing inches, gaining muscle mass, but have only lost 2lbs as of Thursday.  I was asked to try an Atkins approach to my eating habits as I eat a lot of raw veggies and fruits, but not enough protein.  So...doc says to try only eating proteins for a couple of weeks and get these test strips at the store that tell you if your body is in a kind of shock which means it has expelled all bad carbs so when I eat the good carbs (fruits, veggies) that my body will be able to use them properly.  So, i started that Thursday night by only eating chicken.  The following morning I ate a couple of hard boiled eggs and cheese, lunch was a chicken breast and some cubed cheese bites, dinner was more chicken.  hahahaha  Pretty soon I will hate chicken!  This morning I made some scrambled eggs with turkey and swiss which was amazingly delicious and for lunch I'll be eating salmon, tonight is Talapia.  I am going to end up running out of protein foods before I get paid this week so I'll have to figure something out until then, but hey....this is all worth a try.  I'm not getting any younger and my body is changing, so I must change my habits to fit me now. Yes...not smoking is one of those things i need to change and it WILL happen....  by the end of this month I should have my Maid of Honor dress delievered, so we will see where I stand at that point when I try it on.  Tone Tone Tone......it's a must.

HELL............................

Not saying at all that my issues are any bigger than some peoples issues out there, but DAMN!  Things again are going to get a bit more stickier very soon with Lucas' father.  The fact that this boy can come to my home, give Lucas clothes from one of the women he's bangin cause he can't work hard enough to afford anything for his son himself, while drinking an alcoholic drink and have pin sized pupils looking at me asking me for a glass of wine......I'm going to flip my top.  So, I just told him that if he comes to my home again in this manner I will and will not hesitate to call the police to escort him away from my home.  Like a typical addict he denies being on anything ever and so I told him I'd rather the police tell me he's sober than believe what he says.  That was the end of that conversation.

So....as I sit here drinking my wine being a complete hypocrite....I am in my own home, with my children that I work hard to take care of and get the best I can afford to give.  If there is any advise I could give to anyone wanting to start a family......be together, living together, married and happy, travel the world and experience as much as you can...before having children together.  Once you are content with yourself, you can be content with poopy diapers and vomit.

My workout today consisted of running on the treadmill which sucks cause I can never run straight and you have to do that on the damn treadmill, so I had to have a hand on the side bar while I ran so I didn't fall over.  hahahahah  After that was 20lb dead weights on the back lifter...25lb shoulder lifts which sucked cause of a dislocated shoulder injury from a couple years ago, but felt really good to do that much weight finally with it, 40lb push up weights all for a 15 count 2x session and last I did tricep pulls 2 15count as well.  I really need to find a cheap masseuse to work out these knots....one day.

GIFT...................

This morning was a "hit the snooze and pretend like you don't have to wake up for another 4 hours" day.  So tired and so worn out from.....nothing really.  I wonder why we get so exhausted from doing......nothing.  I work a high stress job which could definitely wear on the adrenaline glands; however I'm not working construction, I'm not running around like crazy....so it must just be drain from pure boredom or drain from the constant release of adrenaline.  Whatever it is that's going on makes me want to change my environment so I walk into a fun house instead of a dead house.

A few of us in training gave blood today at the Blood Mobile.  I've always thought it was hilarious to sit through the 100 questions of every disease, virus, etc on that checklist they go through with you.  It's insane!!  I had to stop the lady several times and ask, "what the heck is that?"  She just giggled and proceeded on with asking me if I had hired a prostitute within the last 3 months.  It always feels good to do good.  Even though these blood mobiles sell the blood to the hospitals for major bucks....it's just convenient for them to be around and I don't see the hospitals showing up anywhere to ask for blood independently.  I remember the first time I took Di with me so I could give blood.  She freaked out and started screaming, "Mom!!! They are taking all of your blood and your going to die!"  I couldn't help but laugh and explain the importance of donating.  She understood, but is still bugged out by the thought of it.

So far my weight seems to be steady; however my inches in certain places is going down.  Very weird.  Just last week I had lost 3 lbs and then weighing myself today, I gained it back.  I don't get it really, but heck...that's why I'm doing this program and seeing if there's a way to get my sexy back permanently.

Lucas' father will be over to visit for all of an hour tomorrow.  Can't wait for that...*rolls eyes*.  I think advising him to not speak a word to me will be a great idea.  Don't get me wrong....I am happy that he at least visits when his son when he's not busy screwing women and doing drugs....but the guy doesn't even know what daycare Lucas attends and nor has he ever asked.  I can't ever respect him, forgive him, or even be coy with him ever again.  Hopefully there is a lighter side waiting for me soon.....this sides waaayyyy too heavy.  

SKY IS THE LIMIT????

So I'm holding off on my wine guy date.  Don't ask me why cause I'm not sure myself.  I think it may have a little something to do with him being 41 and a business owner that's very intimidating.  He's very attractive and it seems a little odd that he asked ME on a date.  Yes, I'm still working on my lack of confidence; however it just is an unknown situation for me and has me wondering what his intentions are.  Guys typically have only one thing on their minds, which makes me very standoffish....because my intentions are not that.  I love conversation and if you can hold one with me about something completely out of the ordinary you will have my full attention.  Otherwise....you are screwed and won't be getting a second chance.  Sex is sex. 

I've found myself trying to figure out why I haven't really enjoyed my single life.  I mean I thoroughly enjoy not having to worry about the who, what, when, where and why's of a man in my life..,and actually enjoying not having to ask to go out, what to wear, who to hang out with.....I haven't taken advantage of this. So I must.  I need to fill my life with as much happiness as I can to over power the constant knocking of negativity at my door.

Looking up........

Having a crush on anyone is difficult.  The unknown what if's kick in and tear apart your insides as if you were still walking that long hallway to home room and trying not to look at him.  For the past couple years, I haven't had the balls to tell him how beautiful of a man I think he is, so I decided that before I lose site of him completely, I need to tell him.  However; he stopped and spoke to me today.  I was in the gym and he non-shallontly walked past me while I was pumping iron and then slowly walked by me again and said, "ssoooo....doing some weights?"  In my head I was like, "Duh?!?", but replied "Yes....Yes I am!"  He then started to talk to me longer which amazed me that he was taking the time out to actually strike up a conversation with me so I stopped pumping and turned to him.  As he was talking about work stuff I found myself looking over his face deeper trying very hard not to look him in the eyes cause his are amazing and I wouldn't be able to respond to him because my jaw would be on the floor.  He was asking me questions and all I could do was smile and faintly respond.  Then while looking at his nose my eyes caught something on the side....was it?  Is it?  Are you bloody kidding me?  Are you serious?  Hell NOOOOOOO.........he's married.  WHY?????  WHYYYYYYY????????  Well, as silly as it sounds, I'm still glad he noticed me and spoke to me.

 I have a date soon with my wine guy.  We exchanged numbers and he promised that he would take me out and have fun cause I need it.  I gave him a funny look too, but he's a sincere guy and I wouldn't put it past him if he really went all out to make sure I had fun.  I'll keep you posted on that one.....  Until then, enjoy a glass of something strong and don't forget to smile.

RAGE part duex..........

Okay, so due to the fact that this blog is to follow myself flipping things from bad to good.....THIS is going to be a good one to follow from here on out.

We all have those ex-husbands, ex-fiancees, ex-boyfriends or even ex-wives, ex-girlfriends that we still allow a chat or two or three with especially if there are children involved.  Well finally after getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of my ex, I told him that he needed to let go of me and find himself a woman who will take care of him like he wants cause I'm not doing it.  So....he did just that and found himself a woman who has 4 children!  (pic is not her and her kids, just an example of what he is getting himself into)
He met her at a flea market and mentioned to her that he needed a place to live so she offered a room to him.  First of all.......any good mother wouldn't be saying...."hey, I know you need a place to live and even though I don't know you and have no clue if you are going to hurt me and my children...you can stay with us."  Second of all......only a dumbass that cares nothing about the people around him would be asking a woman with 4 children if he could live with them.  So within 2 weeks of meeting her he was moved into his own room in her home and having sex with her.  How do I know this you may ask?  Because he felt it was necessary to tell me he was.  I don't know why he felt it was necessary.  The only thing I could think was that he wanted to inform me that he was going to be leaving me alone from here on out.  Great!!!!  So as the days go on, he shows up to my house with clothes on hangers for Lucas and money for Di for her birthday.  He hands me a plastic grocery bag with a sweater and jeans in it for Lucas so I placed it on his bed to deal with later.  Now....it's later and I open the bag to take out the clothes and I'm hit in the face with the rancid smell of cigarette smoke.  I also notice that there is a receipt in the bag, so I look at it.  Feminine products, cat liter, etc.  So what do you think at this moment you are looking at this receipt, knowing this guys situation?  YES.....and I went the frog off on him.  "How dare you bring this woman's kids clothes into MY home for my son!  I'm all for charity when I need it, but if you are screwing the help, it's totally not necessary!  You have disrespected me for the last time!"  He replied back stating that she's just trying to help cause she knows how hard it is for a single parent.  I WOULDN'T BE A GDAMN SINGLE PARENT IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR DUMB IGNORANT ASS!  So.....needless to say.....I got my shots in enough to make him feel like a really truly selfish prick mostly by asking him if his mother would be proud of his decision to move in with a woman that has 4 kids when he can't even take care of himself much less his own child.......since he's such a mamma's boy....that really struck a match under his ass.

So where's the flipside of this you may be asking?  Well I'll tell ya.  My ex-fiance has tore me down more than even my ex-husband.  My confidence level is so completely below it's norm I don't know what to do with myself when a "Potential" approaches me.  So I am going to learn how to love myself again.  To be happy with the outcome of my past here in the future and from that I will gain enough confidence to venture out.  It's going to take me a long time to figure all of this out again and I don't want to say that I'm doing it finally because my ex has finally moved on, but I guess I am.  I kept holding myself back because I didn't want to look like the bad guy....the one that disregarded the feelings of the other cause that's not who I am, but that IS how he is.  So in a sense it was better for me that he did what he did so I could finally move onto the next journey. 

I'm going to take everyone with me on this journey.....please comment to help guide me.  It's going to be ruff and emotional.....it's going to be fun and adventurous.  I don't know what kind of person I am anymore when it comes to dating or flirting...or even conversation about any of what pertains to any of this. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

RAGE........

I'll apologize ahead of time for my lack of postings, but it's as if the world flipped on me briefly and hasn't yet corrected itself fully.  I will post more when time permits and explain.

Aggravated with myself..............

No matter how hard I try I still care too much about people who don't want to be cared about.  I don't know why I do it, I just do.  I feel bad if I don't, but then I feel bad when they don't respond to me caring as well.  I don't know what they call that, but I need to not care anymore cause it sucks.  Sometimes I feel like I should just be invisible to everyone so I don't have to meet anyone.  I know that will never work cause I am way too assertive of a person, but dammit it should be easier to shut down.  I am going to shut down in another way....which will probably be a bit more easier to handle.  Goodnight.

Seriously?????????????????

Began working out again at the gym at work.  1 hour lunches have a higher purpose than just stuffing your face I like to say.  So I got my sweat on and it felt wonderful.  Felt great to work out again.  I did however gain a few pounds which did not please me, but I should burn that off in a week or so.  One of these days I'll get my sexy back, but until then....no pain...no gain!

So today I had to deal with a very unscrupulous text from my ex.  What started off to be a "I need to talk to you" text from him, led to "I am living with a woman and I have sex with her" text.  SERIOUSLY???  Why do I care about this?  Is what I was thinking to myself.  You are my ex and can fornicate the world if you please, but why the hell would you tell me?  So after my response of "it's really none of my business who you have sex with nor do I care, I do however wish you the very best on your endeavors."  He replied with, "I just didn't want to lie to you."  My response was of course the typical scorned woman response by informing him that I never trusted him before and after splitting up (hence the split up) so there's no need to try making up for it now.  Why do these losers follow me and why do I have to share something as precious as a child with them which keeps them around for so long.  ARGH!!!  We all deserve to be loved and we all deserve to be happy no matter how big of an ass you are.

Moving on.............today started off beautiful and ended terrible.  Rain, lightning, thunder, tornadoes, and accidents all over the road.  I'm just happy Lucas and I made it home okay.

Sometimes I wish I could be invisible to everyone again.  It was nice just watching the chaos around me and stepping out of it's way.  Now I seem to be in the middle of all of it and don't really like it all that much.  I believe it's time for a cleaning.

 

Refreshed.............

Last night was a blast!  Hung out with some very dear friends and had my first taste of 15 year old scotch.  mmmm.....it was sooooo smooth.  If you ever get a chance to have some its Buchannans.  Di hung out with Ingrid's youngest Sebastian who is absolutely adorable.  He was playing big brother to Lucas and helping out like a big man.  We ate some really spicy awesome chicken and some veggie rice while sipping on Sangria and dancing to Michael Jackson.  What a wonderful night it was and I really hope to do it again. 

In store for today......TAXES!!!  Grocery shopping, storage, and shoe shopping for the little goon and myself.  Di is going through her break out phase and her face is in need of a dermatologist so I need to locate one that may be open on the weekends.  And last but not least......try to find time play.  It's sooooo cold outside, I don't want to step foot out the door, but I need to get the kids outside to run around.  So, I must make it happen! 

Hanging out................

Had a dream last night that the kids and I moved to Texas.  I don't know what it is about Texas, but I keep being reminded of it.  Moving on......  Lucas has been sick the past week AGAIN, but is all better now.  After seeing the doc and Lucas having a temp of 104, being told that he may have an immune deficiency, and holding Lucas down to take some really nasty tasting medicine....he is about 95% better today!  I called Shane yesterday on my way home from work and left him a voicemail to call me and he hasn't.  He's been distancing himself a lot for the past few months.  He knows there are things that he is doing that I don't agree with.  Hopefully he will come around.  We all miss him a lot.

Today we will be attending a little get together with some friends of ours.  It should be a great time and relaxing to say the least.  But until then I have given both Lucas and Di haircuts, we still need to get the house cleaned up a bit more, fold clothes and wash somemore clothes...shower, put face on and off I'll go to pick up Paul and head out to the party with the kiddos in tow.  Today is a good day.....

Zippa Dee Doo Daaaaa.........

Yesterday was a mess.  Went to work and almost made it the whole day before getting a phone call from the daycare about Lucas having a 102.7 temp.  BLAH!!!!  Poor kid was doing great and then dive bombed later in the afternoon.  When I went to pick him up he looked like a wreck.  I felt soooo bad.  So we went home and I gave him some medicine....from there we cuddled and watched movies with his juice in hand.  Then sissy came home from school and demanded dinner.  *sigh*  lol  I have a few single mom friends and let me tell you.....what we deal with everyday, is nothing compared to what a couple deal with.  It's insane at times!  All is well in the land of Lucas though and Di is slowly getting over her sicky sicky too.  The house is a complete mess right now with sick people and I'm waiting for my day.  I know I'll be next.

Di asked me today what my favorite saying was or a comment I like.  I told her that my favorite saying is "what someone does to you is their karma, how you respond is yours".  She tilted her head and nodded agreeing.  We have talked a lot lately of being accepting of those who you don't see as normal because you have no idea of the person they are on the inside.  When I took Di to her first Art Show this past weekend we ran across a cross dresser, who was wearing a red unitard, high heels and a dalmatian print stoll and hat.  She didn't know how to take that in, so I kept reminding her that everyone is different and that acceptance is necessary.  She may not agree with it, but to accept it as it is.  She complied.  As she grows to see society for what it really is and not the rainbows and unicorns she dreams up.....she will do just fine.  Baby steps though.....baby steps.

Raining....Pouring......

Today was a gloomy day.

Woke up at around 4:30am.....yes...not 2am, but 4:30am!!  I know it's crazy cause I always wake up at 2am, but when I woke it was to the sound of Lucas hitting the floor from his bed.  I hate that which I'm sure he does as well, but it doesn't happen often.  So I run into his room and cuddle him, asking him where it hurts and he said his foot, so I rubbed it and kissed it and off to la la land he went.  Took me a little while to get back to sleep, but I did and I had another crazy dream that is just in bits and pieces at this point.  I really should write them down in the morning when they are fresh.  So I apologize if you only read this blog to read about the crazy dreams I have cause I have failed you as of late.  Be patient, I'm pretty positive they will come around again.

Weight loss regime is underway and I'm still getting used to what I can't eat compared to what I can cause this girl LOVES her potatoes and I cannot eat not a one.  SUCKS!  I can do without bread, rice, etc.....but don't take my potatoes away!  So this morning I made 2 egg whites, with cheese, turkey and tomatoes.  It was wonderful.  No coffee!  Can you believe it!  I actually functioned without coffee!  I amaze myself sometimes.  Ate a bunch of carrots like this mutant carrot I found...
Lunch was soooooo good.  A coworker treated me to some Cuban food at this place by the job and OMG!!!  I had the baked chicken, plantains, and some yellow rice.  Shouldn't have eaten the rice, but it was there....staring at me with it's little grains just begging me to devour it.  I didn't eat even half of it so I wouldn't feel bad for eating it.  hahahah  Then snacks consisted of kiwi and an apple.  Had more baked chicken for dinner and corn.  So far I can't complain except eating so late at night has me worried, but doc said that my body needs to have fuel even at night.  Which I understand to a point, but I'm not doing anything to burn off the fuel so it's only storing it.  I dunno....we will see where this takes me.  All I can say in the end is that I tried and that's more than sitting on my arse doing nothing, right?

Di's 13th Birthday is right around the corner and we've decided to have it be a cost effective yet very entertaining birthday.  No extravagant ANYTHING...hahahaha.  She knows that she has 3 more years before we can do the extravagant thing.  Anyways, we are going to hit up Gameworks in Ybor City, FL or Tampa for those of you who aren't familiar.  They have a $29.99 4 - pack which includes 4 1hr play cards and a large pizza.  Can't beat that!  So Di and 3 of her best girlfriends will be able to play DDR till their little feet fall off and I'll hang out with Lucas around the area.  After that we may do a movie, but that all depends on the outcome of Gameworks.  It will be a fun bday for her....there's more involved, but the highlight is Gameworks for her.  She's very excited.

Till next time.

TGIF................

Full week of training down and 6 more weeks to go!  We are heading in a great direction so far and I'm trying to soak in as much as I can.....when I can.  Tomorrow is my doc appt for my meds and shots, so the full blown regimen will be underway beginning immediately afterward. Work out, eat more good stuff, no carbs, and lose all of this excess weight that I'm finding very difficult to feel comfortable in.  When it starts to hurt your midsection just to bend over and pick something up....you've definitely got issues.  The work out plan is going to consist of me jogging around the area because I can't afford the gym right now.  I'm hoping that I can get up a little early in the morning and do my sit ups and weight training and just do my cardio during lunch, but we will see how well this works out with a 2 year old in my way in the morning.  I have been eating a lot of fruits and veggies, but also a lot of fish and chicken.  The need for protein during this regimen is #1.  I need to build my muscle mass back up to normal which I believe is going to be the hardest part.

Aside from everything else another hard thing to deal with is the lack of companionship.  It doesn't have to be with someone of the opposite sex or even sexual.  I'm talking more along the lines of friendship.  I love my friends.  Sounds funny, but I'm serious.  I really do and I would do anything for them.  Some understand this and appreciate it, while others think I'm stupid for thinking and feeling this way.  I am who I am and I am loyal.  I worry, I anticipate, I think about, I care about, I plan around, I am there......   Sometimes I think that I have too many friends (in my mind) that don't feel the same way about me.  I love them either way, but it makes me feel like I need to just let them be.  They don't feel the same way about me.

Tomorrow evening Di and I will be attending a class mate of hers first gig at an art show in the area.  She's super excited and personally I can't wait.  It will be nice to see some new art from locals.

HORRAY!!!!.......................

Found out today that my bestest boss EVER will be joining us at the new job!  He will be supervising a different dept; however I am looking forward to seeing him there.  Saturday I go to the weight doc to get my little pills and shots to get me started.  I'm really not one to be so desperate; however when you've been working out and working out and eating right and positive yet you just cant seem to lose weight in a particular area.....it's time for reinforcements.  So.....it is what it is.  I will post my progression on this subject like I did the last.  Which reminds me......my craving for cigarettes has returned full force.  I have caught myself standing next to people outside just to pretend.  I'm having to focus extra hard to keep myself from pulling over to a gas station and buying myself some.  I really need something to keep my mind off of it.  Usually I would hop online and check stuff out, but I have no online access at this new job.  My phone is too small to maintain the sites I want to go to and you can only Facebook so much before you become bored with it.  I'll figure something out.  I always do.

FAIL...........

Total failure today on the whole eating right thing.  Started off with a healthy egg white scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato, an apple and coffee.  Then lunch time came and Angelo talked me into eating Cuban food.  OMG!!!!  It was sooooo good.  So....Cuban food + eating right = FAIL  Tomorrow is a different day.

Lucas has another cold.  I swear this kid picks up EVERYTHING!  It's driving me nuts really.  I mean, I feel bad for him, but geeze..... 

Had another weird dream last night, but because it's so late in the day I've forgotten most of the juicy parts so really.....I cannot write about it.  But as a heads up.........they are alive and well.

Training today showed us one of the systems the company uses which I am in love with.  The need for this system at the old job was great; however we worked mostly with cavemen databases.  So it was nice to see a system that made sense for a change.  Diving into 2 things at once here has my mind going a million miles an hour.  Must drink a beer and relax.

UGH..............

Today was my first day at the new job.  Training will be 20 weeks and was supposed to be 9am to 6pm throughout the training process; however on February 28th, they will be changing the time to 10am to 7pm.  Why?  They say it's because of call flow and crap.  I say, it's BS.  For us folk out there that have nobody to help out with their kids will have a problem with this situation.  Daycare's close at 6:30pm!!!  UGH....  So, not only do I have to find someone that can sit around with my son for 35 mins, but I have to possibly find a new daycare after just starting Lucas at the one he's at TODAY.  All because someone couldn't stay consistent.  Pisses me off really.  We'll see what comes of this whole charade.

Side note:  Eggs and bacon, coffee, water, salad, banana, popcorn, water, veggie soup, and BEER
 Probably not the best start to my program, but it's a start.

Another Dive..........

Today I took another dive and decided to conquer losing 20 lbs and keeping it off.  With a little help from the doc, the gym, and eating habits I should get this done within 3 months.  I will post my progress as things come about, but more than likely will be the end of each week.  I have conquered not smoking, so I had to do something that needed to be done and was just as hard.

Very weird dream last night took me into a really nice area of town that was completely deserted.  I was walking down the street when a bunch of other people who seemed to be teaming up with me began walking with me.  We started walking faster and then a half mile in front of us a group of other people were walking towards us.  They were faster and I could smell the fear in the people who were walking with me.  Why are these people so afraid?  The closer we got to the other people the more afraid I got because of the negative vibes I was feeling.  Finally we came up on them and they were vampires.  Questions answered!  I ran!  Fast!  I ducked into this tree house that had a lot of trap doors.  I hid in one of them as I heard the slaughter outside and kept thinking to myself.....wtf am I doing hiding?  I don't want to die that's why!  They're flippin vampires!  But then I realized that this was not the way to go if I were found and really needed to help everyone so I came out from hiding and began my version of vampire extermination.  My dream took me from bloody gore to a nice spa tucked away from everything.  It was a really nice building and when you walked in it turned into a home.  Every room was a master bedroom with a garden spa tub.  The pool was cool and clean and had a breathtaking view of mountains.  I had entered one of the bedrooms, shut the door behind me and woke up to Lucas throwing up at 2am.  What a night......argh.

Anxious............

The feeling of smoking has come back full force today.  ALL DAY today I have been feeling an overwhelming need to smoke.  I am extremely anxious and emotional today also so my mood is definitely not helping the issue. Tomorrow is my last day at my job and then on Monday I begin my new one.  Training for 3 months and then let loose upon the world.  I'm leaving behind my work family and it's really eating away at me.  I guess it wouldn't be so bad if everyone hated me and I hated them, but I love my peeps.  They are my family and I will miss them so much.  Tomorrow we will be having a little pot luck together to see those of us who will be leaving to the other center off and I feel so happy to know that I've impacted the lives of others to the point they will never forget me even when I'm gone.  There will always be something around that will remind them of me and I'm proud of that.  hahahahaha  I will have a ton of tissue boxes laying around because I can bet you I will be sobbing like a little girl by the end of the day.

Respect.....

A few male coworkers of mine had asked me my opinion on a subject they were discussing, so I agreed to give my 2 cents.  I was asked that if I were married and I woke to my husband having sex with me and me saying to stop is this considered rape even though your married.  I responded with a very loud, "Absolutely!"  Another man responded very loudly, "No!"  I asked him what his grounds were for thinking this way and he said because my wife knows to never say no to me if I want sex just like I know not to say no if she wants it.  me:  okay, so the two of you have something worked out together then, but I'll be damned if you walk away with your penis intact if you were to ever force yourself on me.
It irritates me how men think that just because they are married that they jerk their wives around like rag dolls and treat them with complete disrespect.  They wonder why us women are so strong and independent now.  Cause they can't act right and someone needs to put them in their place.

Men and women need to respect one another.  We have all come a very long way to just be shut down over some stupid ignorant power struggle that nobody will ever win.   

Energy.........

When does one feel completely better after stopping smoking?  You would think that it would be about 3 months they feel free of those tiresome chemicals taking over their wills.  I really dislike being sick.  It's been so long that I've felt Not Sick, that I yearn to feel that way again every day.  I'm so tired.  This morning I woke up, forced myself into work and then after 4 hours when the lights were causing me to squint because it hurt and hanging my head felt like I had just slammed my frontal lobe into my skull, I left.  I came straight home and crawled into bed.  I'm wore out and whiny.  Don't you just dislike those whiny people that whine all the time.....blah blah blah.  hahahahaah  I woke up in time to make dinner and blog and now, I want to sleep more.  The kids are watching Despicable Me, which is one of the cutest movies ever so they will be occupied for an hour at least.  I need my medicine to work faster.

Happy New Year................

New Years Eve was just another day for us here at home.  I'm still fighting my sickness and the meds made me feel like poo so the kids and I bundled up on the couch and watched some documentaries before passing out for the night.  I awoke to text after text coming in on my phone from friends wishing me a happy new year while having a drink for me to bring it in just right.  I'm hoping that now that I'm not smoking and my goals are set to get things done and changed in my life for my kids and their lives, that being sick so much will dissipate.  Doc did ask me if I had lived anywhere else where my allergies weren't so bad and I explained to him that this is the only place they've ever been a problem.  Maybe moving to the west coast might help me to live a more happier life?  Still thinking about that one.......that's a major major decision and knowing me, I will have to have all of my ducks in a row and everything planned out perfectly in order to proceed with it.

Other things on the agenda consist of school which is going to be my biggest challenge.  I am needing to find more time to do this and still have time for the kids.  A side of me says, "just do it and quit thinking about the what ifs" the other side is saying, "you get one chance and you want to make sure that you can take this on without any interruption".  I want to be spontaneous, but it's always nice to have a plan B.  We will see what direction this all takes me this year.

Side note.....I totally had the urge today for a cigarette.  Why I don't know, but I thought about the possibility of getting hooked again and the urge went away.  So good for me for figuring that out.  hahahaha