Whiskey..................

What a better way to bring in the New Year than a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey.  Yes......the whole bottle.  I will say no more than that.

As I sit at home in the safety of my home while spending that special moment with my kiddos instead of sucking face with a stranger, I will think off all of you.  Be careful, be safe, don't leave your drink unattended, don't drive intoxicated (you will get pulled over....it WILL happen, so just don't do it), and please for god's sake protect yourself if you get frisky with someone!!!  We don't need anyone mistakenly procreating a new species of anything because you thought the dog was this hot chic you saw at the bar or vice versa.  ewe.  If you need a ride, are in my city and state and need a ride home......call me and I will call you a cab.  HAHAHHAHAA  kidding....I'll help you out.

Komprenday.................

The sickness is coming back.  I've noticed that my glands throughout my neck are swollen which means I'm still fighting something even though I've been taking these horsepill antibiotics.  This could only mean that some lovely shots in the bum are in my future.  Ever since my anthrax shots in the military, antibiotics don't phase me.  My doc knows this, but still loves to make me pay for more meds when the test meds don't work on me.  Sinus pressure is all this is right now, but it will turn into another sinus infection and I can't afford to be out of work right now.

So, we are counting down the days before I leave to Verizon.  We are at day 9 as of today, tomorrow will be 8.  I keep hearing bad things and good things, but all I can hope for is the smooth transition away from Alltel.  For 2 1/2 years now we've been waiting for this day to come.  People came and left during that time because of the uncertainty and the unorganized situation we were all placed into, but the ones that are left are the troopers.  The people who dealt with the pissed off customers and turned them around to make them feel better about Alltel going away....the people who didn't have service on their phones for close to 3 months, but still had to pay their bill because of this........the co-workers I'm glad did not go postal and shoot the place up.........my work family that I will miss dearly only to embrace a new family at Verizon.  It's been a really stressful, very unorganized transition so far though.  Hopefully it gets better.

Sheesh......

I am a spoiled and lazy American that feels terrible for taking advantage of what I have and not appreciating it.  Why do I say this?  I say this because it's true.  We were raised to be independent however we are dependent upon things that we can do without.  I spoke to a few customers today and I had an  attitude....not that it was their fault that they were unable to fathom the cost effectiveness of the company crediting them for hundreds of dollars for their mistakes, but that they depend on their cell phones.  We have raised ourselves and our children to be dependent upon something that can fail at any moment.  Where is your back up people?  We list a cell phone as a luxury item still to this day, we have brought it into our lives as a necessary item in order for our lives to function efficiently.  A motorcycle is a luxury item....so what happens when your bike brakes down?  You drive your car right?  What would YOU do if your cell phone died or services were no longer available?  Do you have a plan B? 

I love Frye.........

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Valentines Day, Happy Birthday and then all over again.........I got the very thing I've wanted for 2 years now.  My brown Frye Harness Boots!  After waiting and waiting, bidding and losing, I finally have them on my feet.  Everyone asks.....why those?  They are cowboy boots......they are big......blah blah blah.  They are American made.....they are handmade.....and the more broken in they get, the more valuable they are.  Yes....broken in boots sell for practically the same price as brand new if not more.  I love the look.  I love the fact that I can just throw these on and they will go with a lot.....  Sundress, shorts, denim skirt, skinny jeans, love them love them love them. 

 

Pooped...........

The day with the ex-in-laws and their family went well today.  I didn't have to kill anyone.  I was myself the whole time and I guess that relaxed everyone because I'm not a stuffy proper person anyways.  Very casual day, played DDR, Just Dance 2, and The MJ Experience on the Wii and my legs feel like they are going to fall off.  We drank a lot of wine and ate a lot of food.  I offered to have everyone just eat with us because it was getting late and we were all having fun so they did.  Oddly enough I cooked for 3, but somehow managed to feed 9 people with a little left over.  I'm very impressed with myself.  Christmas gift giving is always nice, but always very emotional for me.  I really don't ever want anything, but people insist on getting me things.  Nice surprise yes....but upsetting that I cannot return the favor; this is why I ask for nothing, but them to show up and have a good time.  I hope everyone else in the world had a wonderful time as well and for those that didn't, don't worry, better things are just around the corner for you.  Good night and post for ya tomorrow. 

*SIGH*

Why can't Christmas be this fun every year...........................

Exhausted...................

This morning at precisely 2am I woke up to coughing.  Lucas was coughing hysterically so I went and helped him out laying next to him on his comfy bed I ended up passing out myself.  The dream kicked in of me visiting a friend of mine at his home and I was there with my 2 daughters.  (I don't have 2 daughters, only 1) but we were enjoying our time hanging out and then my friend wanted me to meet his new roommate so he walked me to a back room area that was built off of the house and knocked on the glass french doors.  The door opened and it was my Mom!  Confused I asked what the heck was going on and she said she didn't want to tell me that she moved.  I ran out into the living room still in shock and ended up on the couch with my two daughters.  Some weird guy walked through the front door with what looked like to be a fresh hit off his head with the clippers.  In only one spot.....huh?  Anyways, he had a pole with him that he swung around in his hands and did tricks with.  As he was getting closer and closer to my face with it I woke up.

ExInLaws came over this afternoon and spend a good amount of time over.  We had some wine and chatted a bit.  Then they left.  I believe we've decided to have the kids open their gifts and then head out to the beach and hang out for a little while weather permitting.  This way we are not all cooped up in the house all day staring at each other.

KA-POW................

I've lost count on how many days I've been smoke free, but according to a coworker I have to be smoke free for 3 months before I can say that I'm a non smoker.  So.....I'll run with that.  Something about my lungs and breathing will be healthier and blah blah blah.  Looking back on week 1 it was hard, but weeks 2 and 3 were the worst, now I don't even think about it - UNLESS........

some jackwagon at work decides to throw me under the bus today and make the bad me show my face.....yes....yes, I wanted one REALLY REALLY bad....but I didn't.  You give people respect in the hopes that they give you the same respect; however if you are a dope and respect someone that for #1 doesn't respect themselves and #2 doesn't show respect for people of the opposite sex................then maybe this is a lesson for me to not respect those who meet #1 and #2 criteria.  This will be my Flip Side Dive for today.  Moving on................

Today was Secret Santa day at work and it was a blast.  A lot of the gifts were very very nice!  Which was a HUGE surprise because my team is a bunch of guys that like to pick on each other.  One got an iPod speaker dock, one got a floor lamp???, another got a dew rag with a brush (hahahaha) and a laptop case with a mouse, another got a beer mug with a football teams logo bottle opener, one got shot glasses, 2 people got sports team attire, I got money and bath soap, one got Santa slippers, a CD, frame, and chocolates, but there were 2 of the guys I didn't get to see what they got, but I'm sure it was really cool!  Really funny part of the day was watching a coworker of mine who always talks about racial things open the Christmas card I got for her.  The outside was this really cute white teddy bear and inside it told her to have a wonderful Christmas, but I added my own little message - "I gave you the white bear so you could complain about it not being brown, Merry Christmas!"  This was the fun part of the day.

Counting down the days that I will be leaving this job and onto the next is more stressful than a pregnant woman's due date!  I'm antsy, nervous, sad, and some other emotional female things that I really can't describe.  It's a mess really and to tell you the truth I wish it would just be done so I can move on.  It's kinda like kicking out that ex-boyfriend, but can't let go of his sweater.

Tonight I am doing ME......sounded really kinky, but for real.  I've got a bottle of Martini Rossi Asti Rose open and working on glass #2.  Enjoying every sip because dammit I deserve it.  Then when I'm done posting, noting, and FBing.....it's off to play the MJ Experience on the Wii and shake it like a polaroid pikcha!!!!  Watch out nah.....I can moon walk like the man himself......oooohhhh yeeeeaahhhhh

2am........

Whirlwind of emotions today while at work.  Angry at some things that are of political nature, disappointment due to attitudes going from positive to negative, sad from knowing that my work family will be dissipating sooner than I thought; however I seemed to keep a smile on my face all day today as I handed out Christmas or Holiday cards to my work family.  I think I'm trying too hard to maintain the everything will be okay attitude and it's tiring.  I'm going to dive into another mode......but which mode?  I don't want to be snide or mean, but I don't want to be happy go lucky and make people want to vomit either.  Being me is not really being me right now because of everything going on at work.  So, I'll meditate tonight and in the morning I should have my answer.

Every morning for the past year and a half, I wake up at 2am.  EVERY MORNING!!!  I wake up because something either happens in my dream or I hear something and wake up.  It's not always on the dot though, but it's during the 2am hour I will wake, look at the clock, say "Wonderful....again?  Really?" and then go back to sleep.  The only thing I can link as the cause is all the undone things before I go to bed.  My brain is waking me up.  All I know is I needs me some sleeps!!  I thought about a sleeping agent to assist me, but I don't want to be knocked out if something happens during the night and the kids need me.  Just very odd.

I finally finished Kristine's sisters vase that she's giving her for Christmas.  East Indian design with the wonderful Om.  Doing little projects like this definitely helps clear my mind of all the chaos going on in it.  Still working on a second one that I should have done soon hopefully of the Twas the Night Before Christmas segment of "as the sugar plums danced in their heads".  It's turning out really nice.

 It's not perfect, but pretty damn good for freehand on a vase I must say.  hahahahaha  More projects to come as I flip side dive into life!
 

Sniff Sniff.............

Darn sinus' are just not going to give up and leave me alone.  I think I may actually suffer through Christmas which will suck, but I'll deal with it as usual.  BLAH.....

My bod is definitely having a bit of a negative reaction to me not smoking.  Stress is breaking me out, a bit of weight gain (not too much, but I've noticed), lack of sleep, had more morbid dreams recently, and I'm guessing that due to the stress my hair is thinning.  I hope this all works out cause my looks are not making me very confident right now.  Once the sickness is over and things start moving for me at the beginning of the year I should be able to focus enough of the physical part of me.  I guess right now I just need to focus on the mental part of all of this and quit worrying about everything else.

Aside from all of this mess, I made a terrible mistake by attempting to rush INTO and OUT of Walmart today.  Didn't work.  I went for milk, bread, kool-aid, juice, Kirin Ichiban, photos, Christmas Cards and that was supposed to be it.  No....I had to get all of that, a Cars blanket for Lucas because Di got a tiger blanket from her father, a tote bag designer kit for Di, a mini iron, and iron on patches.  Now why I said....let me get her this cute little iron for these patches that she's going to use only once....I dunno.  It just seemed convenient.  But I got my Kirin so I'm okay.  It was a madhouse in that store I felt like I needed to punch someone to fit in.  I went from one end, to the other and back again to get everything and everywhere in between point A and B were people who liked to stop in the middle of the flippin isle.  DON'T EVER STOP WHEN TRAFFIC IS MOVING!!!  I'm sure one of the women I came across won't ever do it again by the look on her face after giving her the evil "you are an ignorant selfish bigot" face.  I quickly calmed down when checking all of my items out at the photo center instead of having to wait in line at the checkouts.

Last night's dream was a very different one than any that I've ever had.  It actually involved myself, Di and Lucas.  Usually it's just me and then one of them will make an appearance and go away, but last night it was all about us.  The first part started off in a park.  There was a huge lake with mountains all around us.  As we were walking a group of people started running real fast towards us and scattered saying to move the deer are coming.  So I quickly grabbed the kids up and moved them both behind a tree so the deer wouldn't hit them and I stood beside it.  The deer came out of nowhere and were so fast you could only see brown and white streaks except for one.  This deer was very confident as he walked toward me.  He stopped right in front of me and stared at me with his dark eyes and then let out a shrill that send all the people running for their lives.  I grabbed the kids and ran into a building.  We walked out of the back of the building and all the sudden we were on MacDill AFB.  Walking into the grass outside the building I got an overwhelming urge to walk the kids somewhere, but I had no idea where I was going so we just walked.  We walked through neighborhoods, into someones home where we were welcomed, across a dirt lot where a flea market was set up and then into another grassy area where I began to panic and where I woke up....
These dreams are trying to explain things... I know they are....I just can't fit all the puzzle pieces together to make sense of them.  They are really taking a toll on me.  I can't go back to sleep after wards because my mind is racing.  I can smell things, touch things, and taste things in my dreams as if I were actually there.  The sounds are acute and there's barely any talking.  It's almost like my senses are heightened when I sleep.  Weird......I'm weird.  I wish I could just dream about sleeping....maybe that might help out my psyche.
    



 

What the heck???

I did get up this morning with the intention of cleaning for company this week, but.....I instead sat back and watched the last 2 episodes of Vampire Diaries online, played some games, played with Lucas, did the dishes, made dinner, and then laughed my bum off at some silly FB pictures.  Very intense day I must say.

I am feeling about 80% better which is enough for me to PARTAY.......at work......ugh.  One of these days I will enjoy my work again.  One day.  But until then......I work, because I'm glad to be employed and providing for my goons.  I am looking forward to making some magic happen soon.  If everything goes according to plan that is.  *sigh* 


I did dive into only 1 thing today.  I put 21 items up for sale on eBay!  I'm a rebel with a cause and something will be purchased dammit.....

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ............

Today has been a lazy lazy day.  Lack of sleep and being sick took me over this afternoon and I think it's about to do it again.  Just got done eating and I feel like I got hit by a mack truck.  Lucas is doing soooo much better, but now Di is getting a cold.  Sometimes I wish that there were two of me so I could do everything that I need.  Trying to function under these circumstances is not happening at all.  I do need to get motivated to get some of those things done at least.

BLAHHH..............

I've come down with the plauge!!  I'm kidding.  Just a sinus infection now.  Started off as a little biddy cold and then I lost my voice and then I was seeing green stuff, so I called up my trusty doc and had him call me in some meds.

Don't you hate it when you have this wonderful idea that you know for a fact will work perfectly and you just can't seem to get the idea out of your mouth for others to understand?  Flippin hate that crap.  Anyways, had a wonderful idea to steal my mother from her current situation and have her move in with me.  Would have worked but I didn't think about the fact that she wouldn't have any medical if she left that sweatshop job of hers for freedom.  So, I must dig further into this subject to see what America has to offer the 54 year old white woman.

There are some serious pressures on me right now that I really don't want to worry about right now.  SSSOOOOOOO........I'm not.  I'll just let it slap me in the face when it comes time.

ooops.....

The last couple of days have been hell.  I caught what Lucas had and it hit me harder.  I lost my voice yesterday and couldn't do my job, so I got to help people do theirs for the day.  Woke up this morning feeling better than yesterday, was able to talk better so I brought some tea to work with me and prepared myself.  After spending 30 mins on a call that should have only taken me 5 mins because the lady couldn't make out what I was saying I gave up.  Told my boss man that I guess I should go home because I'm obviously unable to do my job without a voice people can understand over the phone.  I won't be going in tomorrow.  A co-worker of mine stopped me on the way out and told me she just helped a customer I was working with on the phone this morning.  I told her great I'm glad someone could.  My coworker then told me that the lady said she didn't like my tone.  I was like, "WTF?"  I don't have a tone!  I can't freakin speak!!!  hahahahaha  I sound either like I'm whining or dying or even both.  It's sad really.

Smoking?  What is that?  lol  It has been so cold outside I haven't even thought about smoking because my bum is not going outside when it's cold.  I haven't worn a patch for 2 days, but I probably should to tell you the truth.  I must stay on the path.  So being sick, the weather, and being tired are all playing helpful factors in assisting me.

Ever have that feeling that you just want to move away?  Far far away?  Wish I could do it and know for sure that I could make it all work.  Maybe one day I'll dive into this topic.

Hack-Achoo......

Slowly dwendling down on my Step 2 patches and will soon be on Step 3!!!  My craving for cigarettes has gone, but the cravings when drinking still exist.  Hit me Saturday night while out having sushi with a girlfriend of mine at a place I would normally sit back, have a few drinks and smoke a bit.  I looked at her with this desperate stare and she questioned it.  I just had this overwhelming need to smoke like 5 cigarettes at once!  Those damn things have us warped in the head!!  It didn't make me just feel the urge to have one.....it made me sweat and feel the need for flippin 5 of them!!!!  Crazy I tell ya.....it's nuts.  Detoxing from smoking is hard, but I just think about what it would feel like if I were detoxing from heroin instead and it puts things into perspective.  I know I know....why don't I just stop drinking alcohol too????  Hell no!  I would tell you I'm feeling healthy and energetic at this point normally; however I am fighting a sinus infection which doesn't allow me to function as a normal human-being, but more of a zombie.  Gatta call the doc tomorrow and see if he can just fill me an Rx without me having to come in.

Today I had to explain to a married co-worker of mine the rights and wrongs of communicating with an old flame of his; warning him first that this is solely my opinion of his situation as I am not a certified marriage councilor.  I think it's cute when people come to me for advice on their relationships when I'm not even in one.  For the record.....I don't cause the relationships to fall apart, I am not perfect, but when you find someone who meets all criteria and maintains this long enough for you to get in tight with them and then all the sudden does a 180 on you and turns into Satan with no common sense or ability to function as a respectable human being.....it's time for you to go.  Be real!!!

The weather outside is frightfully COLD.  Not as cold as most places I'm sure, but damn!  There was a rumor going around this morning that it may snow tonight.  Being in Florida I am finding it very hard to believe; however we have not seen a hurricane in 2 years now so anything is possible at this point. 

ahem ahem.....smokey day today isn't it?

Foggy morning, beautiful afternoon, but smokey evening.  Not sure what happened today, but the air is full of a thick cloud of smoke and it just so happened to have appeared during the time of my photo shoot with the kids.  BAH.... but Lori and Nichole did a fine job handling the light and got some pretty good shots in before we had to call in the night.  Lucas did well in the beginning, but very quickly became hyper and didn't want to have anything to do with taking pictures.  Di was as beautiful as she always is and I forgot to put lip tint on.  EERRRR...oh well, the pictures will be wonderful regardless.  We will be setting up another day to take more photos due to the smoke, so that will be fun.  I'll post some pics soon of our outing in the smoke, but until then, I will continue to hack from the inhalation of the not so satisfying feeling smoke.

HOLY POO-rap...............

What a day what a dayyyyyy!  Today would have been a full pack of cigarettes day.  It began with the baby crawling into futon with me.  He has a bad cold and kept whining all night because his nose was runny.  I was like, " Holy crap dude!!!  Are you an infant all over again or what?"  So I wiped and slept and wiped and slept, then I wake up and now I have what he has.  Sore throat, runny nose....just plain yucky.  So I ask Lucas to wipe my nose and he told me no.  He's going to see one day that he will do just that and then some when I get old and pee myself.  tteee hheeee heeee  So I rolled out of the futon and washed my face.  Into the kitchen I went and made everyone some scrambled eggs and cheese.  Then after getting everyone ready....off to the Orthodontist we went to see if Di could get her expanders off yet; which was a big NO.  She still has a little while to go with those and I feel so bad but her teeth are turning out beautifully already and it hasn't even been 6 months yet.  After dropping her off at school, I went to check if this Batteries Plus place could check my iPod to see if it was the battery or if it was as I suspected.....DEAD.  It was dead.  Off to the mall we went to find us all matching shirts for pictures tomorrow.  Keeping yourself from going into restaurants and shops with a 2 year old is very very hard to do.  This is when I wish there were people that you could call to have them go get this stuff for you so you don't have to deal with the tantrums and plain ol poisonous behavior that spews from these little people.  I swear I saw his head spinning when I walked into the 3rd store as he screamed at the top his his lungs because he didn't see any toys.  Spoiled brat!  I decided to stop for a bite to eat with the little satan spawn and he wants CHICKEN!!!  Chicken Mamma....Chicken!!!  So, there was Chic Fila which was packed as usual, then this Chicken Kitchen place.  So we get our food and a lemonade, attempting to push the stroller with the tray and lemonade on top.  Bad turn out.  Before I let the food fly everywhere I just allowed the drink to fall and I'd have to say about 5 people were wearing it and I wasn't one of them.  After eating we popped into Anne Taylor's LOFT and found an awesome shirt.  40% off and good to go, I walked up wearing my chucks, jeans, and Bob Marley Tshirt to the check out where the man asked me if I had an Anne Taylor card I would like to use.  I said, "No...do I look like someone that shops here often?"  He giggled and rang me up.  I walked out of there wishing I knew math better and searched around for a cheaper shirt.  Well, I finally found 3 different colored plaid shirts for us to wear tomorrow and I gave Anne Taylor her shirt back.  We're all going to wear our chucks too!  lol  Getting out to the car some jack wagon parked really close to my drivers side in their boat of a Lincoln.  So I had to rest the passenger door on the car so I could get Lucas into the car.  This old biggot comes over to my car shuts MY door and proceeds to yell at me because my paint is on her car now.  WTF?  So I giggled inside and told her to have a wonderful holiday.  I'm so excited.....this is going to be my first picture with the two kids.  I wish Shane could make it out.  Would have been nice to have me in a pic with all 3 of my children.  Here's her site when you get a minute....
www.cayelynnphotography.com

So as we leave the mall I check the time and I have maybe an hour before I have to take Lucas to the doc to make sure he isn't really really sick that it may cause me to have to stay home from work.  So I think to myself sure I have time to grocery shop.  We go grocery shopping and playing it smart I throw Lucas into the race car shopping cart to keep him occupied.  He was doing so well until I had to stop the cart to pick out which pasta sauce I was going to get and then off he goes.  Jumps out of the car and runs down the isle. No....I did not think about strapping him in, but believe me I strapped that bad boy in so tight he couldn't even slouch.  

I method grocery shop.  You're probably wondering what that is.  I'll explain.  When I walk into the store I head straight for the bread isle and from there I go up and down the dry/canned food isles first before hitting produce, then meats, then frozen foods.  This way the frozen foods stay colder because they hit the cart last.  I also organize my shopping cart cause I hate having my meats mixed in with the canned food when they bag it.  Not so weird really when you think about the logic behind it.  Just as I hit the produce I look at my clock and I have 20 mins to get to the doc.  So I grab the bananas and head to the checkout.  No frozen/cold foods, so I'm good to go right to the docs from the store.  As we are sitting in the room at the docs, Lucas just about craps all over himself and looks at me like there is nothing wrong, THENNNNNN......my phone rings.  It's Di.  She doesn't feel well and feels like she's going to throw up.  WTF?!?!!!?!!  Baby Jesus......if you love me at all...please make this entertaining.  So, he does....  I tell Di to lay down and relax until I get home, I change Lucas while the medical assistant is trying to get his pulse and because she couldn't get it (probably couldn't stand the smell of Lucas poo) another medical assistant pops in to do it.  Finishing up the doc checks him out...everything is cool, off we go to go home and as we sit here watching James and the Giant Peach while eating our pizza everyone passes out.  Thank heavens!  

So now I'm blogging and listening/watching my neighbors fight.  She just threw all of the dudes stuff out the door and last I saw she was throwing all of his DVDs at him.  I think one got him cause he was wiping his face and looking at his hand a few times.  DRAMA in PH!  That stands for Palm Harbor.  lol  She's a crazy spit fire ex-military chic and by the looks of the Lacross sticks she threw at him he must be a college jock.  He's cute.....and isn't fighting back with her which is very manly and something I haven't seen in a very long time.

WHEW........

The day is ending and another will begin tomorrow.  Today, my emotions were going nuts mostly over my work family and their well being.  Most people would be worried about themselves and their own family, but I consiously can't be someone like that.  I worry about my children, I worry about my mother, and I worry about the people who I spend most of my life with and these are the people who I spend 40 hours a week with.  I spend more time with them than I do my own children!  They don't know I care so much and probably only a few will actually catch on to it, but I truely do hope that everyone who I work with and care about makes it through these very difficult times without a dent.  Positive outlooks bring positive things.  Chin up and eyes forward. 

Okay, enough of the mushy seriousness and onto some not so serious stuff.  I haven't had any of those odd dreams for the past couple days.  I'm wondering what I've done to change it.  Possibly that my body has adjusted to not smoking?  Stress usually brings on the crazy dreams and I have plenty of it so I don't understand where they have gone.  BAH, oh well.....I'm sure another will hit me soon.  It's not normal for me to go without an intense crazy dream at least once a week.

Christmas day is approaching fast and I've really only purchased a few things.  My 17 year olds watch came in today.  It's sooooo freakin cool. 

For my 12 year old daughter....

I got her a few other things, but this is the big one.  She has been wanting a key necklace for a while now and loves Opal, so I came across this by total luck.  Now... I have been stuck on what to get for the baby.  I've already got him a couple of books.  He loves books.  We've been reading Greek Mythology lately and he really liked the story of Pandora's Box.  He's destructive though, so it's really hard to find something that will withstand his abuse.  I'm sure I will find something though....possibly Friday when I can get away for a little while without any of the kids around and can concentrate. 

Well the end is here and it's time to spend some of it with the kiddos.  I'll leave you all with the below statement.

I know my faults, I know I wish a lot, I know I hope a lot, I know that half of what I say I'll do I never really do.....it just feels nice to say it out loud every now and then.


 

Woah Nelly......

My Step 3 patches came in yesterday.  On the road to completion, even though I may breakdown and cheat periodically it is a reminder that smoking really does nothing positive for me.  Major hurdle that still needs to be dealt with is my want to smoke when I'm drinking.  This is a HUGE demon!  I love me some wine, I love me some beer, I love me some Irish Car Bombs, but I have refrained from my normal drink habit due to this massive urge to smoke.  Social thing?  Nah....cause I don't get out often and even when sitting at home having a glass of wine I feel it.  Stepping outside and smelling the salty air helps a lot though.  I think the alcohol drives the urge alone.  The buzzed or not so sober feeling enhanced by a mere cigarette.   It's been vicious; however the outcome is getting better every day and keeps me positive.

There are no dreams to report.  For the past couple days I can remember only a little from them which of course helps nobody.  The only changes I made were the night before I drank a glass of wine and didn't listen to any meditation music; last night Lucas slept with me because yet AGAIN he is sick.  I can bunch all my nights together and give them all one common thing though.  I always wake up between the hour of 2:45am and 3:45am.

Today I dove into one of my paintings.  I am painting a vase for a coworkers sister that she will be presenting to her as a Christmas present.  I have 2 vases going right now only hers is the most detailed.  East Indian design with the bright colors and the OM sign in the center of the lotus.  With all the REAL work I have to do everyday, it's been difficult to even put my toe in the water, but I was able to dive into it a bit today. 

 

Creative Juices............

Let me first start with a big WHEW.  Stress is stress, but dammit if you can't find any resolution to it.  Some stress is gone, but I know there is more lurking around the corner just waiting for the right moment to pounce on me.  Until then, I'll be happy with what has left.

I dove into my first hair cutting experiment yesterday.  Lucas has refused to sit in the barbers seat for about 6 months now so you can just imagine what his head looked like.  Crazy blond hair going every which way and none the right way.  So I took control and he sat for me.  With my trusty brush and my sheers, I attacked his hair and it came out pretty good.  Wish I would have had a comb for his little hairs so I could cut it properly, but I did well with what I had.  He looks like a cute little boy again and not the goon hes been running around as.  hahaha

Reflecting back on my last post about my children experiencing the things I've wanted to do so they have a more fullfilled life.  I asked my oldest (17) last night, who doesn't live with me...what his grades were looking like lately.  Truthfully he answered....not so good.  He explained that this year is harder than last and he's just having a really hard time focusing.  So I asked him, "If you had the chance to go anywhere in the US where would you go?"  He replied, "Bahia Beach California."  I asked why?  He stated, because of the lifestyle and it's different.  So I replied, "fix your grades and you may have a chance to see this place."  I'll probably take him anyways, but it's a goal for him so hopefully he does what he needs to do to help himself.  From there, I asked my second oldest.  "If you had the chance to go anywhere in the US, where would you go?"  She replied, "NY City."  I asked why?  She stated, "because when we were there just for a little while, it made me feel different.  It made me feel like I belong there."  Of course the baby is too little to tell me where he wants to go, but I'll tell you where I want to go in the US that I've yet to go.  Montana.  Why?  Because it is rich with earth and not buildings, the air is clean and the land is beautiful.  It is something I have only experienced one other time in my life and to feel that again in a beautiful state like Montana would be amazing.

So my blog ends of course with another crazy dream. 

I decided to put on some meditation music last night to see if anything different would happen during my slumber and well......read on....

I was a scientist in a lab with animals.  It didn't seem like the kind that hurt them, but the kind that helped.  We had an array of different animals around.  Some seemed very intelligent, others just cute, while some were of the meanest kind and I would purposely walk to the other end of the room and walk around them during the dream.  One animal that seemed really scary was this huge pit bull.  He was white with blue eyes and had a very savage stare as you walked by, but he was the most gentle caring animal of all of them.  He was my pride and joy in this dream and he never left my side.  We wrestled and would knock each other down, it was pretty funny to watch I'm sure.  Then there was this gorilla.  He was the complete opposite.  During this playtime with the pit bull another scientist let out this blood curdling scream and I saw her running from the gorilla room into the side room, locked the door and kept running with her arms tucked on her sides.  I started running toward the gorilla room and 3 men were holding the door.  He was trying to get out.  He looked right at me with his blue eyes now red and the look of death on his face.  We were all going to die.  I immediately ran into the lab and grabbed the tranquilizer gun, put it into the tranq door and shot him.  He ran up to the door, lifted the flap and looked at me with is eye piercing my soul and then fell out.  Quickly we ran into the room where he lay to try finding out what happened.  There was blood everywhere, but it wasn't his.  A man ran into the room and said that the gorilla ripped Mary's arm from her body and wanted to know where it was.  We didn't have time to look for it, we had to subdue the gorilla.  This was no ordinary gorilla.  No silver back, not one that was raised as a baby in our care.  This was a red haired gorilla.  Mixed from orangutan and gorilla with the size of a horse.  The men wanted to cuff his wrists and ankles to keep him from hurting himself or others.  I was totally against it.  We needed to find out what it was that made him think to kill.  They wanted no part in it.  So, they hung him from the ceiling by his wrists and the floor by his ankles.  When he woke, I was the last person he saw, so he immediately thought it was me that did this to him.  I tried to calm him and nothing worked.  Later on that day, I went to check on him and as I walked up to his door, I noticed that his door was wide open and he was not in the room.  I shut the door I walked through very slowly and tried not to make a sound.  As I was shutting the door I could hear him in the next room, it sounded like he was eating.  There were other techs working the room and this is what he was eating.  I ran, so fast I ran, he peeked his head out of the room just as I turned the corner and I caught his glare just as I turned the corner.  My heart sunk.  He's coming for me, so I ran into the safest place and happiest place I knew....with my pit bull.  He greeted me like he usually did, but he was different.  He knew something was wrong, because I was never scared around him.  He saw the gorilla come barrelling down the corridor and bust through the door to the room.  Immediately, my gentle friend became a monster.  He walked slowly toward the gorilla as if to speak to him and try to get him to stop.  You could see the caring in the pit's eyes as he tried so hard to alter the gorilla's thought process.  Then, the gorilla grabs the pit, tears it in half and comes flying towards me.......then I wake up.

 

It was a very emotional dream and I really cannot explain it.  Was it the meditation music or what it something else?  It certainly wasn't about a hot guy that I was trying to assassinate or another hot guy that was making me drinks.  This was straight out of a cult classic gore movie.  Creepy.

 

Scatter-brained.........

Given my current stresses I am very proud of myself for not just going out and buying a pack of smokes.  Either the patches are really working or my mind has taken over my want to quit to allow me to stay on path...or both?  All I know is that I'm glad to not be out of breath and hacking every morning.  I have a ton more energy and don't smell like I just walked out of a bar.  I can smell things better and taste things better.  It's great!  This morning however I have a really big sinus headache.  Possibly from the heat being on last night because it was very cold.

Today's events will be cleaning...of course.  The clutter has gone down since giving Lucas his own room, but my teen makes more of a mess than the baby, so I must regulate and think hard about child labor and how I may implement it in my home legally.  Once this is done then we will spend the rest of the day at the Art Fest down the street.  Hopefully Lucas doesn't give me another one of his terrible 2 tantrums.  hhhhuuummm.....I wonder if I attach sponges to his body if he will clean the floors as he flails around on the floor?  Worth a try!

My dream last night was based in a really cold area in a really small town.  The area kinda looked like Oregon.  I was hanging out with hippies who used t-shirts as diapers for their baby and wouldn't take me to the store to get Lucas diapers.  Instead they had me put him in a t-shirt diaper and it swallowed him up it was so big.  Then I was on a helicopter taking pictures of the wildlife and forests.  Odd that we took pictures of a gator in a pond that was iced over.  hhhuummm.....maybe I am predicting the future?  Florida one day will be iced over?  The end of my dream took me to an auditorium that turned into a toy factory.  I was sitting on a conveyor belt watching everyone fall off of it at the end and then woke up.  No sexy men in this one unfortunately.  hahahaha 

dream...........

I've been having dreams of meeting men lately.  I think this is a sign that I'm not as angry anymore, but content.  I just woke from a very vivid dream of Japan.  I was visiting an older American couple who lived there.  The woman who was very wrinkly and coy and the man who was tan and full of energy.  After greeting and introducing them to the kids we decided to go out for diapers because I had no more for the baby.  So while walking to the car I noticed an avian woman walking past wearing a black tank top and black underwear with a huge dragon tattoo going up her outer thigh.  She was walking toward a shop called The Smoking Dragon.  Then I turned back around and we were at the car and everyone was in it but the baby's stroller was outside the car and could not fit inside.  I told everyone that I would return that I had to put the stroller inside the house and for some reason everyone got out of the car and walked back to the house with me.  On our way to the house the smell of dampness and the touch of the warm sun hit me as I looked onto the courtyard where the children of the area played and to my left was this huge billboard that read, "WORRIED?"  it was a Verizon billboard.  I asked the older couple about it and they said it was just put up yesterday and they don't understand what it means.  We reached the front door where they have a nice patio set outside and I put the stroller inside the home.  When I got back outside everyone was sitting down and a man dressed in a chef coat was unloading food on the table and taking drink orders.  He was amazing!  He was a tall Asian man, average build, with mid-length black hair and bangs that were just long enough you would want to move them from his eyes.  His skin was flawless and as I introduced myself I gazed into his blue eyes.  He smiled at me and introduced himself.  The old man wanted me to ask for a drink but I could only ask the old man what he thought I should get and he said a gray parrot.  When I asked for this drink the Asian man replied, this drink should not be called the gray parrot; we will give it a new name today....the Vanessa.  As cheesy as it sounded I ran like a giddy school girl into the house where I woke up and cursed very loudly.  hahahha  okay, I'm going to try going back to sleep now. 

Tornado..........

So this week I realized that I am not one for politics even at my age.  As a young girl I was carefree and really wasn't involved in the stresses of politics.  Even as a young woman I didn't really care for it.  I even joined the military with the high hopes of being able to attend college and be something bigger because I always felt that I needed to.  Really I don't need to be something bigger........I just need to make a difference.  As a woman I still cannot dig my hands into politics.  It sickens me to see how it works, it angers me to see how it doesn't work, the illogical points and the logical points.  "We all want to voice our opinions, but it's hard to be heard when the man has your mouth covered." 

So many things I want to be, so many things I want to do.  I have decided that because I have waited so long to do them I want my kids to experience them right along with me so they can say they have done them too.  The family trips across country and stopping at random spots for photo ops, traveling overseas to touch a real castle and step on the same ground that our ancestors walked on, laugh when we get lost in the middle of Egypt, only to come home and sit next to each other on the beach to talk about our memories.  Now all I have to do is plan, fund, and do our first thing.  Deciding what it will be will be the hardest part because there are so many things!  This is going to be a very old blog with a bunch of wonderful experiences to share.  Ready to grow old with me?

Last nights dream was a steamy yet confusing one.  I was a hired assassin for the FBI (enter LaFemme Nakita music here) and I was given a mission to knock off an Indian (from India, not Native American for those of you who are politically correct) guy who was this wonderful scientist.  We met and he took me to dinner, etc etc.  Well, one night he was in his kitchen cooking and I was in the living room and my cell went off.  It was a text.  It said, "Ronnie, it's not time yet".  I have no idea what that means, but I only know 1 Ronnie.  So I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen where Mr. India was cooking up something that smelt sooooo good and as he turned around (omg he was soooo hot) he smiled and began to walk toward me and I woke up.  These dreams are getting really really good.  hahahha

Heads up on the smoking.........it's working like a charm only today I gave in and had one.  I'm having only spurts of cravings now, nothing as big as before and the cheat today wasn't even the whole smoke.  I am really feeling the energy level going up and I have more focus.  Not as tired when I get home and can actually start to smell things better.  I've ordered Step 1 which should be here fairly soon, so I'm going to do this all the way to the end.       

Walking zombie....

Had a wonderful time with my coworkers and the kids last night.  We shot pool, played the American Idol game on the PS3, ate a lot of food and met some really cool people.  The kids really enjoyed it.  It was nice for them to meet my other family.  lol  I spend more time with my coworkers everyday than I do my own children.  It's sad, but true.  We got home around 10:30pm last night and I was exhausted.  Di was still going and the baby was passed out.  So we all went to bed and I yet again woke up in the middle of the night because of a dream that I can't recall, but only this time....it kept me up.  It was 2am and I fought and fought to fall back asleep, but it wasn't happening.  So I laid there....staring at the celing of the livingroom, pondering my future.  I want to sleep soooo bad.  Anyways, I have had a few things pop up that I need to take care of so I may not be on here for a few days.  Life's drama's!!!  Be well.

Good Morning!

I'm going to stop counting my days now.  I feel like I'm in AA or something.  I'm 16 days sober....blah blah blah.  A coworker stated the other day that he doesn't understand why people smoke.  I agreed...I don't understand why smokers smoke except that it's an addiction.  Why I started?  Because everyone else was smoking and I felt the need at that time to fit in with the people that I was around so we had something in common.  Sad case of followerism.  Yes, I just made up that word....followerism.  Its definition is as follows:  A person who habitually follows others in order to feel accepted.  lol  Well then as I grew older and realized that it just wasn't fun following, it was more fun to lead and fall on my face just so I could laugh it off.  That reminds me of a funny saying a friend of mine who was dabbling on both sides of the fence at the time.....ALWAYS FORWARD....NEVER STRAIGHT!  haahahahah

Today I will be headed over to my coworkers house for a cookout and some football.  More cookout than football for me.  I've tried getting into the sport, but the company I have been with during those times has been less than fun.  Maybe I'll enjoy watching it one day.  I'm making my Dill Potato Salad for the event and I haven't made it in so long I forgot what was in it besides potato and dill.  Sad, yes....but it's slowly coming back to me.  It should be a fun day with the kids and coworkers.  Maybe I'll post some pics tonight!

I forgot to post my dream from the night before.  I don't remember much from last night unfortunately which is a good thing.  Means I slept well.  The dream the night before was one that should be written for a movie if it hasn't already.  I was living in a city that looked a lot like NY, but very clean.  I had a best friend who's name was Emily and we would run through the city holding hands like there wasn't a care in the world.  I felt the innocence of the moments we had in my dream; the laughing, the running, the feel of the cobblestone beneath my feet as we walked through the allies.  This went on for what seemed to be a brief moment until we came upon a see through wall that showed us inside someones home.  A girl was sitting there in her chair scribbling on a piece of paper.  Emily and I looked at each other and Emily had a very quaint smile on her face as she took my hand and walked through the wall with me.  We walked up to the girl in the chair and she turned to look at us.  She had down-syndrome and was drawing our home on her piece of paper.  She introduced herself as Emily.  I looked over at my Emily and she faded away.  Then I woke up.
I'm going to take this dream as a sign never to judge a book by it's cover.  I wasn't raised with a thought of looking at others as not being equal, I was never put in a situation where I should feel that way.  I see it  happen a lot, I hear it happen a lot, heck it's happened to me my whole life even today I'm judged by others because of how I look, but I would never think of putting someone through the mental abuse that judging causes just because they look different.  I accept difference.  How boring of a place the world would be if we were all the same? 

Day 15

Dinner turned out great.  Di did a great job especially with the green bean casserole.  We ate, ate more, then more and more, then passed out.  It was definitely a very long day.  Today we sat back and relaxed, watched XMen Wolverine and then around 1pm set off to WizzallMizzart to deal with all the crazies.  Only had to get diapers, but decided to look around a bit. 

Wow all the deals were great.....if you had money!  Isn't that how it works though?  So we WoWed the wish list items and walked merrily out of Walmart with our dignity.  Then we went to the mall.  I received a gift for my birthday from Helzberg Diamonds last month and still needed to pick it up, so we packed lunch brought our survival gear and set foot on our way through the mall on Black Friday.  It really wasn't so bad at 2pm. There were still a few people around that wouldn't watch where they were walking and tumbled over Lucas' stroller nearly falling on their faces, but aside from all of that I didn't kill anyone so it was a good day.  We stopped at the American Greetings store to pick up a couple of 50% off ornaments because we get a new one every year, but couldn't pass up the Thomas the Train ornament that Lucas just so cleverly spotted out of the hundred that were hanging on the wall.  Di picked out an heirloom crystal Rudolph that looks magical on our tree.  Yes, we set the tree up on Thanksgiving night so that we have a full month of Christmas joy and we even played Christmas carols while we did it....neener neener neener.  Anyways, we finally made it to the jewelery store and I loved how I was greeted.  I wasn't.  It must have been my dark hair and tattoo that threw them off.....or maybe it was because I was looking comfortable and not like those silly women that run track in their high heels.  Anyways, I got one ladies attention because Di was looking at those key charm necklaces that are outragiously priced and came across one that was adorned with opal and emeralds.  Di about had a fit, so I asked the kind lady how much is that opal key charm that I know is going to be over priced there in your glass case?  She replied with $99.  What?  $99.......did I hear you right?  Yes!  It's $99.  So I winked at the lady and said, we will have to think about that one....as I handed her my gift card from them for my birthday.  I asked Di to walk Lucas around for a few so he quits putting his hands all over their glass and as she walked away.....we rang up her necklace and used my gift as an excuse for them to show me to the register.  They were awesome when they realized that I was going to actually buy something.  hahahahahah  Anyways, I set aside $100 for each of the kids for Christmas and that was hers.  She's going to love it.  I teased a bit by taking her to get fitted for a Pandora charm bracelet, so I'm sure she thinks shes getting one for Christmas.  hahahaha  Already got a really neat LED bracelet watch for Shane (the oldest)...still working on some other stuff for him and the baby....well....he's the hardest one to buy for because he has so much already that he enjoys.  It's finding that one thing that he's going to love and play with till it's dead.  Last year I bought him a $10 dump truck from a drug store and that's all he played with until I had to throw it away just 2 months ago.  I guess he wouldn't be so hard to buy for, it's just finding the right thing that I feel intimidated about.  Oh!  We also found Di a pair of $10 jeans that actually fit her at Freaky Tiki!  Today was a very productive day.  I even got to take my recyclables to the recyclable center today!!! YAY!  3 bags full and gave my glass to Kevin R at work to give to the city recyclable truck cause they don't have one here for some reason.  Thank you Kevin!!

Not smoking is coming real easy now.  The hard part is not thinking about it when I'm drinking.  Sure test tomorrow when I take the kids to a cookout at a coworkers house tomorrow.  They wouldn't let me anyways and to tell you the truth I don't believe any of them smoke so it will make it easier hopefully.  I'm not going to lie and say I didn't think about having one when I left the mall today because I really really really wanted one.  Having the kids with me gave me strength though, otherwise I think it was just that strong of an urge I would have pulled into a gas station.  Holding on to my future however......to not be a smoker and be able to run and not be sick all the time, to have more energy, hopefully not look any more older than what I am.............that would be bliss.  This is my flip side dive........................

Day 14 - Happy Thanksgiving!

New day with a new patch and of course feel really bad about cheating yesterday, but I think it was more necessary than not.  Feel good today and not itching with urges here at work.  We will be eating some subs, chips and soda, but I'm drinking water.  Can't really stand soda.  My daughter has been issued specific instructions on how to cook all of the prepared items so we will find out how well she has done when I get home around 6pm.  Because my mother couldn't join us this year she will be calling and we will have dinner with eachother via speakerphone.  It will definately be different, but we will at least be together in a sense.  Hope everyone has a wonderful day and I'll post more tomorrow!

Day 13

Horrible Horrible Horrible!!!!  Made a really horrible mistake this morning and forgot to put my patch on.  I wasn't the only one at work that realized that today was just not a good day for me, but my coworkers did as well.  I was sweating, I was eating, I was cranky, I was emotional really......too boot, I gave in and took a drag off of a smoke.  Why?  Oddly enough it calmed me.  Was it necessary?  Probably not.  I could have banged my head on my desk and chanted We Are The World; this would have calmed me.  PPPFFFSSSSTTT.....  No worries though, I'm taking some patches to work for those just in case moments.  I did say that common sense was on my side didn't I?

So tomorrow is the day of thanks in which we give thanks to each other by eating a lot of food and passing out.  I will be working tomorrow, so I will give thanks to those who don't call me to do anything they can wait to do on Monday.  I'll be cooking the little things tonight so all we have to cook tomorrow is the hen!  Long night.

I also had another very vivid dream last night about my oldest son Shane.  We were in a hotel hiding in the rafters of an empty room and these men walked into the room looked around and then one of them shot the other one!  When they left we got down off the rafters and we walked around like nothing happened.  Literally, we didn't even feel or act like we just saw a man get shot.  So as we are strolling around we decide to hop on a train, so we did.  I looked out of the door and the valley was so beautiful and you could smell the fresh air.  Then....Shane jumped out.  I was like WTF?  And didn't want to die in case he lived, that would suck.  So I stayed on the train until it slowed and then I ran back for him.  It was a dream version of about 5 miles..you know what I mean.  When I got there I looked around and found nothing.  I started walking back and out of nowhere a NINJA comes out and wants to fight me.  Then I wake up.

Day 12

Still having cravings.....Today has been a complete disaster day for me.  I thought for sure I could get my mind off of it quicker, but whatever it is they put in smokes these days really has you by your balls.  (pardon my expression if you took offense but I'm serious) I have hurdled the morning smoke, I've even hurdled the 1st break smoke, but right when 12pm hit...I ached.  It goes away, but then hits me really hard again around 3pm and then again at 8pm.  I don't get it!  What was it...1 cheater smoke on Day 2 or 3?  I'm at Day 12 and I feel like I need to smoke a whole pack!!!  This is insane!  I'm going to play some Just Dance with Di on the Wii and sweat it out, then pass out for the night.  I seriously feel like a crack addict right now.......SUCKS!!!!  Thank you Marl-blow.  I also noticed that my skin is reacting to my lack of smoking.  My chin is breaking out as if I'm going through puberty again.  I wonder what kind of dreams I'll have tonight?

Day 11

Did well again today.  The urge was there mid afternoon but I refrained.  My brain told me, do it do it you can just smoke one it won't hurt you.....then it told me, don't do it you'll feel like crap afterwards, keep chugging along your doing great. 

Had another very odd dream last night.  Woke up only a couple times, but for a very short time.  The dream was mostly about Di.  We lived in a fully furnished home and she decided to come home around 2am which is a big no no.  She brought all of her friends with her and even a few people that were my age walked through the door.  I immediately started yelling and I tried soooo hard in my dream to say a particular curse word and it wouldn't come out of my mouth right.  I ran around with a bat telling everyone in the house to leave while I scolded Di and sent her to her room alone.  I ended up in the living room where there were two white furry throw rugs on the carpet.  I sat down next to one and heard this crackling noise, but couldn't figure out what it was right away.  I looked down at the white furry rug and saw that something was burning the rug away.  It wasn't fire....it was acid.  Burning through the rug I grabbed it and ran it towards the back door to throw it outside.  I opened the back door and the back yard was Narnia!!  I threw the rug out the back door and walked down the steps into craziness.  Weird things flying and walking around, I looked back at the house and woke up.  So I looked up what seeing acid in my dream meant and it means (To see acid in your dream, represents feelings of hatred, rage, and/or revenge. Your integrity may be compromised or called into question.  Alternatively, seeing acid in your dream, indicates that you are being manipulated by a situation or by someone. The dream may also be a metaphor to symbolize a negative influence in your life. Something or someone is eating away at you. )  hhhuuummm

Day 10

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday.  I only woke up 2 times in the early morning and snoozed my 6am alarm for 15 minutes.  Felt motivated after that 15 extra minutes for some reason.  Brewed up some coffee with my yummy Vanilla Spiced Rum creamer and went off to work.  I didn't even crave a smoke at work today!  Not even 1.  I will tell ya though, it's no fun coughing from not smoking and coughing from getting over being sick.  The two of them feel lethal together and made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.  Anyways, I have made it through the day and now I'm sipping on my wine.

 The room swap for the kids went well yesterday.  Di now has my room and Lucas has her room and my room is the living room.  It's not so bad really.  All I ever did in my room was sleep and change, so it's better that the kids have their own rooms to explore in.  I remember using all the bed sheets in the linen closet to build this HUGE tent in my room.  I would hang them from every corner and tie them together in the center.  I wasn't born to be an engineer which was obvious from the lack of support in the center of my tents, but it was fun.

Onto Day 9

Yesterday felt just like this!

A lovely coworker of mine asked me, "So where did you put your patch today?"  I replied, "The same place I always put it.  Why?"  Hence my post yesterday about moving my patch.  Well by moving my patch it caused me to crave a smoke about as bad as a pregnant woman craves food.  I was going nuts!  I paced, I cleaned, I sat staring at nothing, I wanted to pull my hair out, but instead.....these guys showed up.....

They whooped my arse and kept me from going insane.  The one to the far left gave me a round house kick to the jaw which took my focus off of smoking to focusing on placing my jaw back where it was supposed to be.  Seriously......Lucas round house kicked me.  So inadvertently he put me in check.  hahahaha

Today the patch is on the other side and I can already feel my body/brain craving a smoke.  Another entertaining episode for you to indulge in "Another Dream!"  I was at a house which looked to be out in the country somewhere.  Green grass and scattered trees, the house wasn't a big house, but it fit everyone that I know from work in it.  Everyone inside seemed to be in a hurry, running back and forth from one room to another.  Kristine K stopped me and asked me if I ate yet.  She held my hand and walked me to a HUGE room where there was a restaurant style buffet and hibachi set up.  She sat next to me and we had a conversation that I cannot recall, but it was nice.  Then my dream flashed to me being outside the house again and I was driving a motorcycle down the little dirt road that lead from the house to the river and I woke up.  I woke up at 4:30am and could not go back to sleep.  Believe me I tried.....really really hard I tried.  Instead I sat up in bed and thought about everything that I need to get done today and decided that today is the day.  I will be diving into the room swap today.  FUN FUN FUN.  During these thoughts as I lay in bed I also decided, that the possibility of finding a futon mattress is more likely, than finding a sleeper sofa and one is definitely going to be a lot cheaper than the other.  I am currently 2 cups of coffee into my day, shower to follow and then I'm off to be productive.

Day 8

Day 8 has really just begun and I have already felt the disappointment set in from cheating last night.  Even though it was one and even though alcohol was involved, I still can't seem to talk myself into making it right.  Today I moved the patch to the right side of my body.  I'm afraid to put it on my tattooed arm in fear that it may cause the ink to do something weird, so I put it just below my collar bone near my arm.  I keep catching myself eating things.  I don't buy junk food so this is a plus, but with all the veggie eating I'm going to end up spending just as much money in buying more as I would buying smokes.  I need another alternative.  My drive for exercising has been placed in the backseat due to being sick all week and my brain keeps telling me to do it, but my body is telling me, HELL NO. Well....it's only day 8.  All I can do is know what needs to be done and somehow do it.  When is another question, but it will happen.

Lucas is doing better.  Still waking up 2 to 3 times in the middle of the night whining and his nose is an ever-flowing fountain of snot, but his fever has gone down without help from additional meds and he's laughing and running around now.

Di is still not sick.....thank you baby Jesus.  lol  Hopefully I can get motivated enough today to start moving some of my stuff into storage and grab all of the Christmas stuff to bring home for set up on Thanksgiving Day.  Not being on FB has allowed me some mental time to figure out what I can do in order to stay where I'm living comfortably.  Lucas and I share a room right now, so by the first of the year I'm moving Di to the master room, Lucas to her room and purchasing a sofa sleeper for the living room where I will sleep at night.  Minimizing and consolidating my household items is going to be the hard part.  I'll be selling my entertainment center soon so I can purchase a smaller TV.  I'll be giving TJ back his humongous rear projection TV that takes up half of my living room.  From there I'll be finding little odds and ends to make up a new entertainment center that won't take up so much space.  We are going to hunker down and stay in this place as long as possible. 

Recap....Day 7

Today was a very tough day back to work.  The urge to smoke was very strong, but I held my own.  Didn't smoke until I had two peach vodka with sprite drinks and then I was on fire running around like a mad man screaming for a smoke!!!  Then I had one....  It was nice.  But then I hacked.....and then I thought about running and how I would feel afterwards.  BLAH.....  mind over matter is a must.  All of this stress is giving me some really wacked out dreams too.  Last night I had a dream that I was stationed in Japan with one of my really close girlfriends and she died during a deployment, but after I investigated I found that her greedy husband had banished her to a spirit world so he could collect her insurance.  I ended up bringing her back before I woke up, but I'll never know if we took revenge on her husband.  hahahaha  I swear I'm not psyco....I really do think it's the patch.  hahahahaha  Nicotine is making my mind race.  

Day 7

No smokes at all yesterday and I'm well on my way to being released from this demon.  lol  Today I'm at work, so we will see if the test of all times works in my benefit.  I smoked more at work than I did at home.  Urges are running ramped however.  I must stay strong!!!  lol 

Day 6

New patch, new day and no smokes for me to puff on at all.  I will be sleeping most of the day today so it shouldn't bug me too much.  Besides, how my chest is feeling from being sick will only accentuate the discomfort if I smoke, so I will gladly refrain. 

Lucas didn't do so well last night.  Poor guy sweat so bad he was soaked from head to toe and his pillow felt like it just came from the wash.  The look on his face all night was agonizing and made me wish I could take his pain away.  Right now he is doing okay, up and watching his favorite DVD mimicking each word.  Not smiling too much this morning though and refuses to eat, but is drinking a lot better today than yesterday.  His responses are by the book though so I am positive he will be better soon.  For myself however different story from yesterday.  Last night I battled my own fever as well.  Trying to hydrate myself this morning so I'm continuing with my PB Tea and honey.  We'll have some homemade veggie soup this afternoon to help us sleep for a bit and hopefully be ready for work tomorrow.  Note to self:  Never bid on things on eBay while you are sick.  Thankfully I did not win, but wondered why my email was flooded with YOU GOT OUTBID emails this morning and I guess I was Christmas shopping for Di in my sleep.  Don't remember any of it.  Nice.

Day 5

2 smokes today, but I'm blaming it on being sick.  Of course it wouldn't ever be due to my amazing skills at refraining myself from doing things that I'm addicted to.  hhhuuummm  Flip side of the day today was that instead of being worried that I'm going to lose my job due to my son being sick all the time, I was able to file for Family FMLA which is going to keep me from freaking out if the baby gets sick again.  I won't get paid for it, but at least I won't have to worry about losing my job.  WHEW!  Dr said his cold caused a major ear infection in both ears from drainage.  Poor guy.  I'm lucky I kept some antibiotics from my last sinus infection cause I feel one coming on.  Daughter has miraculously made it through with only a stuffy nose.  No FAIR!!!

Another flip I've accomplished is going from blond to dark brown. EEEKKKK Yes, very eeekk; however, I am going to enjoy the different outlook on life that a brunette gets when prancing around like a know it all.  Only I have an edge on them.....I have a GREEN hugh and they don't.  NEENER NEENER NEEEEENNNNEEERRRRR   yes, I have learned my lesson with buying box color.  I will never do it again.

Day 4

In an attempt at waking up I walked outside, tried to smell the cool air with my stuffed up nose and lit up a smoke.  The morning smoke is always the hardest to stop for me.  Possibly because I go 8 hours straight without one?  Well, I took 3 drags from it and put it out.  It tasted horrible enough for me to wonder why the heck do I smoke these things anyways?  So we will see how the rest of the day goes.  Oh, and I also noticed that while on the patch that my dreams are very very intense.  Last nights was about my detective friends wife going postal and I had to stop her.  Would have made an awesome movie.  hahahaha

Lucas is still running a fever and kept being woke up by it last night.  You know those crazy dreams you have when you are sick?  A few times during the early morning he would sit straight up in his little bed and just scream.  Scared me so bad I didn't go back to sleep for at least an hour.  I'm going to see if we can beat this thing by this evening and if we can't I'm taking him into an After Hours clinic.  As for myself; I can function, but I look like I got smacked with an ugly stick more than 100 times.  Been drinking lots of PB Tea (English tea) and honey which seems to be helping me to keep up with the baby.

Side note; I have one of the most understanding, caring, loyal, trustworthy, knowledgeable, and comforting bosses in the whole world.  Of all the jobs I've ever worked, this man is the best at taking care of his people.  It's really hard as a single mom to not have to take off work when your children are sick.  We can't take them to daycare, we can't leave them home alone, anyone that would possibly help you is working too, and dad says he can't take off work to come help.  I'm sure there have been some single mom's out there that have taken advantage of their status which messed it up for the rest of us who really need help, but I've always been a trooper and will continue to be one.  It's just people like my boss that make things less stressful that I really appreciate. 

PC Virus - Please self medicate

   Sorry for the delay in posting.  I flip side dove head first into yet another experience inadvertently.  IExplorer wouldn't let me log in to my blog, then it wouldn't let me log in to my email, so of course I got a bit ticked and called up my wonderful friend Paul who listened to my symptoms and diagnosed with a pill called, "Uh, Oh".  This pill was only supposed to be taken while drinking heavily because I would have been able to stomach its powerful prognosis.  ALERT ALERT  Well, all is good for now and Dr. Paul will be permanently correcting this issue fairly soon.

  So we are at day 3 of the patch and it no longer itches or burns.  I've decided to place it on the same spot each day for just that reason.  Yesterday I had 3 smokes instead of the common 10 so I'm off to a good start.  Today I don't feel myself needing one at all and that probably comes with the fact that I'm dog sick right along with the baby.  Looking forward to breathing, running, smelling and tasting everything again which is the flip side of what I am dealing with right now as a smoker.  Sucks?  YES!  Being able to taste and smell better I think may be the cause of quitters gaining weight so I must keep my sites on exercising when I feel the urge to shovel food into my face.  My urge to quit is so strong that I dreamt about smoking last night and that evil doers laced all the cigarettes in the world with poison and one by one, us smokers were put out of our misery.  MMUUUUAAHAAHAHAHAHA

  Speaking of food....I have decided that this years Thanksgiving will not include a turkey, but a hen.  The sides will of course be the typical "best ever".  Mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, marshmallow topped yams, and corn.  I think I may even try diving into baking a pie!   YUMMERS  Okay, enough writing about food, I'm feeling the urge to do some sit ups and I don't think my medicine head will allow me to get through even one of them.

Hopefully today will be a boring day so I can rest up for work tomorrow and be my normal self. 

Start to Finish.....are you ready?

Why the Flip Side Dive?  Have you ever wondered why people say, "See ya on the flip side?"  The other side of where you currently are...right?  Slang term for the better side of life or the side that you want to be on but really don't know how to get there or maybe even the worse side of life which is not so cool.  This is going to be a blog about me diving into those flip sides.  No being skeered, no self doubt, running from possibilities, and not even "wall blocking" dating.  I'm going to dive right in and see what happens.

Will this be entertaining for you?  I dunno, but I can say that it will be extremely entertaining for me to blog about.
Today I've started my Nicoderm CQ patch.  This little bloody patch that is itching the hell out of my arm is of course keeping me from thinking about smoking because I've been itching my arm all day causing me to not have a free hand to hold the damn cigarette.  After a few drinks I've managed to calm myself down enough to use both hands to cook and type.  Yes, at the same time cause I'm cool like that.  Trying to quit smoking is a feat all in itself.  I am diving into the nonsmoking side because it's only going to better me.  As we all dwell on how we looked 10 years ago, we think about ways to bring us back to our no wrinkle, no grey hair, no sagging, selves.  Why I started smoking?  I really don't even know.  I just did.  I've quit several times.  First time was right off the plane headed to boot camp and ran 2 miles the next day.  When I started again, it was purely out of spite because I wasn't supposed to.  In our dorms on base, if I ever got caught I was in some serious trouble.  I quit while pregnant with my daughter who's 12 now, but then immediately started back up again after having her.  An output possibly?  My way of having my own time to myself.  I didn't think about what it could potentially do to me because I knew a lot of people that did it so I never dwelled on it.  Now, I'm going to stop.  I must stop.  I can feel myself dying inside and hate the fact that there is something controlling me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like things controlling me.  Hence....SINGLE STATUS.  I can feel myself being really jumpy, like I need to go do something because I'm not smoking.  But there's nothing to do.  I must find something to occupy this free time.  There is only so much Mommy stuff to do before you begin to crave alone time...........what do I do then?  That's my next project.